Oh my god we are in Monaco!
This is the crown jewel of the formula one calender. This race is so glamorous I’m drinking champagne to get my buzz on. Classy as f*ck.
Royals! Yachts! One stop strategy! Narrow streets! This is what F1 is all about. BRING IT MONTE CARLO.
LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!!!!!
Hulkenberg’s Force India is properly smooshed into that barrier. Looks like Alonso may have had a hand in that. Hulkenberg and Massa have had to pit due to first lap damage.
Hamilton leads in his Mercedes (obviously).
Lap 5: Maldonado’s Lotus is suffering break issues and Toro Rosso have told Verstappen to attack.
Lap 6: Verstappen touches the back of Maldonado and damages his front wing but manages a nail biting overtake. Alonso handed a 5 second penalty for causing the collision with Hulkenberg.
Lap 8: Kyvat got the jump on Ricciardo at the start so now it’s gonna be Red Bull v. Red Bull for the next few laps. Maldonado has retired. Again.
AD BREAK. I’ll take this opportunity to mourn the lack of Crofty, Brundle and Kravitz as Channel 10 apparently can’t afford them. It’s a travesty.
Lap 12: The McLaren don’t actually look too shabby today. Button is holding 9th with Alonso currently in 10th (sans penalty). The Williams are doing shite with Bottas is 13th and Massa in 19th.
Not that much is really happening. Grosjean has pitted his Lotus. Raikkonen has been asked by Ferrari about his tires. Marussia drivers are allowing cars to pass with ease. Monaco is so damn pretty.
Lap 23: Tire and strategy talk! Rosberg’s Mercedes may have 2nd place threatened by Vettel’s Ferrari if he goes for the undercut. Rosberg needs to push for a gap but Vettel won’t allow it. He is keeping it tiiiiiight.
Lap 26: Sainz Toro Rosso is being shown the blue flag to let Hamilton through but he’s either finding it difficult to find the space in which to do that or he’s colour blind.
Lap 28: Raikkonen closes on Ricciardo. Vettel closes on Rosberg.
Lap 29: Kvyat pits from 4th and rejoins in 9th. Raikkonen bears down on Ricciardo’s Red Bull and the pair vie for 4th place.
Lap 30: Disaster for Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid! Major delays getting his rear tire on during his pit stop and he drops out of the points into 13th.
Lap 34: Alonso serves his penalty and doesn’t seems to lose any time which is great news for McLaren as they’re both running in the points with Button 8th and Fernando 9th.
ANOTHER AD BREAK.
Lap 37: Vettel and Ricciardo pit. Kvyat gets ahead of his teammate and retakes 4th.
Lap 38: Rosberg responds to Vettel’s pit. Raikkonen pits. Rosberg holds off Vettel as goes back into 2nd but Raikkonen gets the job done on Ricciardo and takes 5th. Hamilton pits and holds the lead.
Lap 40: Oh jesus Kimi has decided to take a shortcut through the chicane but it doesn’t look like he’ll get a penalty because he didn’t gain an advantage. KEEP IT TOGETHER RAIKKONEN.
Lap 43: Dammit Alonso, you can’t park there. I had such high hopes for you and McLaren but now you’ve gone and ruined it all by going off the track and giving up on life. No one knows more about giving up on life more than an unemployed 25 year old (me) but COME ON. So he’s retired.
GOD DAMMIT AD BREAK.
Lap 46: Verstappen has moved into 12th and is putting pressure on Bottas. Ricciardo is apparently struggling ahead of Perez.
Lap 48: Verstappen has pitted again? ‘Kay. He’s back to 13th now. Not Crofty commentator is talking about Senna. Aw Senna. I hope you’re watching in Formula One heaven.
Again, not much happening right now. It’s Monaco. You can’t expect a whole lot of overtaking.
BEST RAIKKONEN RADIO CHAT. Kimi sounding ultra relaxed and almost jovial whilst cornering wondering about the gap back to Ricciardo. He doesn’t want to get too close to the Sauber back marker but he won’t get the blue flag if he doesn’t close that gap. So much for not talking to drivers in the corners, the man is practically going around a hairpin whilst having a chat.
Lap 58: Damn son! Vettel AND Verstappen overtake backmarker Massa (embarassing) in one swift move of epic proportions! Verstappen now in 11th.
Lap 61: Verstappen tries to tail Vettel through the hairpin to take Grosjean but the Lotus holds 10th. This battle ain’t over.
Lap 64: HOLY SHIT MASSIVE IMPACT BETWEEN VERSTAPPEN AND GROSJEAN. MOTHER OF GOD MAX HAS LOST A WHEEL AND HIT THE BARRIER HARD. He’s okay! Verstappen is talking and getting out of the car and walking away. Christ that was a big crash. Grosjean seems to think this was all Verstappen’s fault (Max did lunge to take the place and clip Romain as a result) and has had a nice swear over team radio.
SAFETY CAR IS OUT. FOR SOME REASON ROSBERG IS FIRST? Hamilton is third due to a pit stop. Vettel second. OH MY GOD I LOVE MONACO SO HARD RIGHT NOW. Lapped cars are coming through to rejoin at the back and it’s an absolute clusterfuck. This is amazing.
Lap 70: Safety car is in and all hell is breaking loose!!! Rosberg is flying. Vettel is defending. Ricciardo is putting pressure on Raikkonen.
Lap 72: Ricciardo has pushed Raikkonen out of 5th in a move that, to quote Kimi, was “not very nice”.
Lap 73: Kvyat obeys team orders and let’s Ricciardo through to take 4th.
Lap 75: Ricciardo is now closing on Hamilton! Oh. My. God. This is the best closing stages of a race since Bahrain.
HAMILTON TEAM RADIO HISSY FIT. DRINK.
Nico Rosberg wins the Monaco Grand Prix! Basically a home race win for him. Props. Vettel second and Hamilton has to settle for third. HA! Kvyat 4th as Ricciardo gives back the place to take 5th. Raikkonen 6th, Perez 7th, Button 8th (Woo! Well done you guys!), Nasr 9th and Sainz 10th rounding out the points.
Lewis Hamilton is the sookiest man in the world right now. He’s actually run into the 3rd place sign out of anger. Oh god his frustration is palpable. Lewis has taken his trophy and his champagne and walked off. He is literally sulking.
The podium interviews are phenomenal. Nico is being humble in his happiness. Seb is being diplomatic. Lewis is PISSED but attempting to keep it together. Brundle is rubbing it in. Seb has abandoned diplomacy and is now being a happy little puppy.
NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY TOP THIS RACE. Fuck I love Monaco.