Alice live blogs the Malaysian GP

Malaysia decided to show up to the party early. Thanks Malaysia! You’re so punctual.

LIGHTS OUT HERE WE GO!

We managed two goddamn laps and now all hell has broken loose. Punctures for everyone. And Ericsson has once again gone and ruined the lives of Kimi Raikkonen fans. Who do you think you are Sauber? Get out of here.

As it turns out Kimi does have some of that karmic force at work. SEE YA LATER MARCUS DON’T LET THE GRAVEL TRAP HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

Safety car is out. It’s like that boring friend of a friend who hangs around way too long.

Vettel’s number one which I’m actually happy about and Massa just beat Rosberg in a scrap. Is this a dream? Nope, it’s Sepang.

Damn Verstappen how’s those overtakes?!

Mercedes being held up by traffic and Ferrari stretching their lead. Basically this race is more exciting than the entire 2014 season.

Epic attempted overtake by Ricciardo which ended up being a great save.

Guys, hey guys? Guys! Get it together okay? I know the track is 60 million degrees but let’s keep it clean.

Woah look at that gap between Seb and the Mercs! I could cartwheel across the track in that gap and I can’t even cartwheel.

Well done Ferrari pit crew for finally providing Raikkonen with a problem free pit stop. Slow clap.

There are so many scraps happening I literally cannot keep up. What I do know is that a McLaren Honda just overtook a Force India and that’s pretty exciting news for Button/Alonso fans.

Iceman update: from puncture to points. Kimi has moved his Ferrari into 7th from 18th. If you don’t think the man is a world champion then you can fight me.

Oh Alonso. They’re bringing his McLaren Honda in. Just as I dared to dream…

A FERRARI JUST OVERTOOK A MERCEDES. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Sebastian Vettel has overtaken Nico Rosberg…just let that sink in.

Honorable mention to Verstappen for getting that move done on Ricciardo (and that’s coming from an Australian).

Ricciardo told to move out of the way of Kvyat which he actually does without issue and then the spirit of Mark Webber kicked in and Kvyat’s Red Bull and Hulkenburg’s Force India get a little too close for comfort and Kvyat spins out which I’m conflicted about.

Iceman update: Kimi is in 3rd. THIRD.

Vettel’s Ferrari is still in the lead and the Mercedes drivers are freaking the fuck out. The gap is about 17.5 seconds. First of all: how do you like them apples Mercedes? Second of all: this kind of reminds me of the Seb/Red Bull domination years… Ah memories.

I don’t know who to cheer for in the Verstappen/Bottas scrap. Both insanely good drivers. Both lovable. Both future world champions? You bet your sweet ass.

My live stream has dropped out. I’m losing my mind. Cue angry and obscene language being thrown Bernie Eccleston’s way for selling TV rights to Foxtel and poor people like me resorting to dodgy live streaming.

OKAY WE’RE BACK!

I’m not going to lie I am so caught up in the front runners I’ve slightly tuned out everyone beyond 6th. I’m sorry guys. I really am but Ferrari could win this thing AND get extra championship points with Kimi holding 4th.

That being said I’m once again making whimpering noises over Button retiring, my mind is blown by even more Verstappen overtakes and I’m loving the Williams bros scraps. Honorable mention to Williams for letting that happen.

Okay this is it! Last lap! Ferrari holding first and fourth and the Mercedes are filling in the gaps with Lewis in second (chucking a hissy fit over team radio. Good stuff) and Nico in third. It’s all good Nico, you’re still getting a trophy.

CHECKERED FLAG!

I’m going to need a minute to process this.

Sebastian Vettel and his Ferrari have secured their spot on top of the podium with the two Mercedes of Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg in second and third respectively. Raikkonen rolls through like a champ in 4th.

From here on in it’s points in pairs. Bottas and Massa from Williams taking 5th and 6th, Torro Rosso, in all honesty killing it, in 7th and 8th with SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD Verstappen and Sain then the Red Bull racers of Kvyat in 9th and Ricciardo in 10th.

Wow. Right, I need a drink and a nap. I’m pretty certain I’ve used up my adrenaline for the year. I’m suddenly beside myself with excitement for this season. Game on!

Final honorable mention to the safety car that I totally dissed early on in the race but proved to be magical.

Malaysia GP Qualifying – torrential rain, traffic and triumph for Ferrari.

Anyone else getting deja vu? Hamilton…Vettel…Rosberg…

Qualifying at the Sepang circuit started out relatively normal by F1 standards with poor Manor Marussia hampered by more difficulties  – but hey! Silver lining: they made in onto the track this weekend. Maybe next race weekend they’ll get a full run in Q1? Who knows.

Sadly McLaren Honda didn’t exceed expectations (at least not mine) but it’s always such a shame to see former world champions out of the running so early on.

try not to cry

SPEAKING OF WHICH lets all give a special shout out to Sauber’s Marcus Ericsson for being the ultimate traffic marshal and pushing Ferrari’s Kimi Raikkonen out of Q2 and into P11. I mean honestly after the weekend Kimi had in Australia you’d think some sort of karmic force would have been on his side. Apparently not.

In all honesty Q2 at Sepang is one of the best qualifying sessions I’ve seen in a long time and it lasted all of a lap. As WTF1 so eloquently tweeted “More overtaking than the Australian Grand Prix in this qualifying session“. The impending storm made for an electrifying lap (punny!) with the remaining drivers getting out on track and going for broke before they got washed out. Basically rookies and back-markers out qualifying world champions with Rosberg, Vettel, Bottas, Ricciardo (no real surprises there) followed by Grosjean (what?!) then Massa, Verstappen (Seriously. He’s 17. That’s friggin’ amazing), Hamilton (AWKWARD), Kvyat and Ericsson. Next thing you know it’s all thunderbolts and lightning very, very frightening. Q2 is done and dusted and you’re just sitting there looking at the results going “What…what just happened?”

malaysia lightning

After a brief interval the rain decides it’s fucked enough peoples shit up and moves on with it’s life. Track clears and Q3 gets under way. Generally the teams play around their tire choices – Wets? Inters? Wets? Inters. Somewhere in the confusion a tear in the space-time continuum occurs and suddenly we’ve got the exact same qualifying result as we did in 2014 with Hamilton on pole, Vettel just missing out on the honour and taking second leaving Mercedes lesser loved child Rosberg in third. Except this time Vettel’s gone and done it in the Adrian Newy-less Ferrari. BOOM.

mathew

Rounding out the field are the two Red Bulls of Ricciardo and Kvyat, followed by Toro Rosso wonder child Verstappen, Williams bros Massa and Bottas are split up by Lotus fun police Grosjean and finally Sauber’s Ericsson rounding out the motley crew.

Predictions for Sunday? Ferrari’s Kimi Raikkonen will attempt to punch Marcus Ericsson upon overtaking.

kimi oops

The space-time continuum will keep on doing it’s thing and the results of the Malaysian GP 2015 will be the same as the Malaysian GP 2014: Hamilton for Mercedes, Rosberg for Mercedes and Vettel for Ferrari. Alonso and Button of McLaren Honda will limp their cars across the line, somewhere towards the back of the field (it pains me to write that) and hopefully we see some excellent scraps for points between Williams, Ferrari, Red Bull and the rookies.

Honourable mention goes to Niki Lauda for his next level meteorology skills of removing his trademark cap to check if it was raining or not, Jenson Button’s amazingly gross moustache and for Fernando Alonso getting the absolute shit scared out of him by a loud thunder clap during a live interview.

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