Alice live blogs the Singapore GP

Good evening Singapore you beautiful scoundrel!

We have all the ingredients for one hell of a great grand prix:
– Night race ✔
– No Mercedes on pole ✔
– The boy from Aus on the front row ✔
– Ferrari looking strong ✔

So, in the words of RuPaul…



Lap 1: We are away clean with the exception of poor Verstappen whose car has refused to take part in the GP.  Everyone holds position.

Lap 2: Vettel starts to stretch his lead and Verstappen gets his Toro Rosso restarted and rejoins the race.

Lap 6: Not much to report at this point but for once that’s a good thing!

Crofty and Brundle describing the Singapore GP as a “sweaty, dehydrated pain” which reminds me a lot of Australian summers so I feel for the drivers.

Lap 8: Button is having a massive struggle with his tyres. Dude can’t catch a break.

Lap 10: We have our first pit stop in the form of Grosjean and speculation mounts about Ricciardo attempting an undercut on Vettel. Speculation is 9/10ths of the sport.

Lap 11: Sainz and Alonso having to wait in pit lane traffic and now it’s on for 13th between Alonso and Grosjean with the latter managing to take the position.

Lap 12: According to Hulkenburg degradation of the super soft tyres is kicking in.

Lap 13: We have contact between Massa and Hulkenburg! Massa tried to stay ahead of Hulkenburg, Nico turned in onto Massa and then said hi to the wall. Everyone is okay but Hulkenburg is out of the race. Virtual safety car and err’body hitting the pits.

Lap 14: Jenson “can’t catch a break” Button is utterly screwed with the wheel nut stuck on a wheel (I think?) 40 second pit stop. Ouch.

Lap 15: Virtual safety car still out with Hamilton and Rosberg moving themselves up to 4th and 5th respectively and running their Mercs on the soft tyre. Lots of debris on track and it looks like the legit safety car is out to deal with it.

Lap 17: Verstappen can unlap himself under the safety car.

Lap 18: Safety car in end of this lap and then shit gets real.

Lap 19: We are away clean and racing once more. Sainz car crapping out temporarily but rejoins.

Lap 20: The gaps between the top three is close as battles appear imminent.

Lap 22: DRS has been enabled once more. Tensions mount!

Lap 23: Hulkenburg gets slapped with a penalty for causing the collision with Massa.

Lap 26: Team radio from Hamilton saying he’s lost power and now Rosberg has overtaken him followed by Kvyat then Bottas! WHOA SINGAPORE, just when I thought things were looking a touch dull…

Lap 28: Vettel has put the peddle to the metal and made a break for it.

Lap 30: Massa has also suffered a “neutral” so the conspiracy theories can commence! Apparently metro lines run under the GP circuit and they MAY fuck with the million dollar technology in these cars.
Massa serves a non existant drive through penalty?! He looks to be trying to restart the car as he rolls through the pits? Car appears to be working again? Oh nope, Massa told to retire. He’s out as well 😦

Lap 31: Raikkonen told to give it all he’s got. SISU YOU BEAUTIFUL FINNISH KING!

Lap 32: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid is up into 11th! Get in the points son!

Lap 33: Hamilton is 110% done with this race. Retires. Early night for Lewis #NotSoBlessed

Lap 34: Yet ANOTHER crappy pit stop, this time for Kvyat and Alonso has retired seemly out of absolutely no where?! What the hell?

Lap 35: This shall hence forth be know as the race of “the phantom neutral” as apparently that’s what happened to Alonso as well. Sounds like an Avengers movie.

Lap 36: Verstappen now in 8th and Perez overtakes Grosjean to put himself in 9th.


Singapore you need to calm your tits this is beyond mental.

Err’body pits again. Err’body bunched up.

We this race is obviously going to hit the 2 hour time limit and we are not getting the full 61 laps. Rossi wont fucking unlap himself and now we have to restart with him in the goddamn middle of the top 3.


Lap 41: Raikkonen gets past Rossi and FINALLY Rossi moves out of the goddamn way and into the runoff area.
CONTACT! Button and Grosjean touch and Button comes off worse and is forced to pit. Worst race of Button’s career? Probably up there.

Lap 44: DRS enabled again. I’m probably going to be holding my breath for the next 30 minutes.

Lap 45: Scraps ahoy for Grosjean, Verstappen and Sainz for 8th position.

Lap 46: Clean overtake by Verstappen on Grosjean to put himself from stone last to 8th.

Lap 47: Sainz follows suit and overstakes Grosjean. Albeit potentially illegally.  Crofty and Brundle say “Fuck it, let him have it” except in a more dignified, British way.

Commentators think Lap 59 will be the cut off point for this race which leaves us with 8 laps to go.

Lap 53: McLaren have pulled the plug on Button’s race. He may be disappointed but potentially relieved. Properly shit race for the world champion.

Lap 54: Nasr takes 11th from Maldonado

Lap 55: Ericsson follows his teammates lead and overtakes Maldonado as well.

Sweet jesus this is a long race.

Apparently we are going to the full 61 laps.

Lap 60: Nasr puts himself into 10th and into the points.
Oh Verstappen has been told to give the position back to teammate Sainz and the team recieves an emphatic “NO!” from the 17 year old. #TeenAngst

Lap 61: SUPRISE! Another car retires. This time it’s Grosjean.

Vettel wins the Singapore Grand Prix! Followed by Ricciardo and Raikkonen (best podium of the season so far).


Well that race sure was something. I’m not sure what exactly is was but it was definitely something.

Some race stats from Singapore*:
# of saftey cars: 2
# of virtual saftey cars: 1
# of random people on the track: 1
# of “phantom neutrals”: 1 thousand
# of botched pit stops: 1 million
*statistics may not be entirely accurate.


Night y’all.

Alice live blogs the Belgium GP

Good afternoon Belgium! What a beautiful sight Spa is after summer break. Glad all the driver had a nice time relaxing and partying with pop stars while the rest of us have been having withdrawals.

We ought to rename this race “Penalty Central” since err’body (Grosjean, Raikkonen, Verstappen, Alonso and Button) has moved up and down the grid before the race even kicks off.

ALSO: NEW START PROCEDURE! Anybody else hearing Highway to the Danger Zone playing in their head when they think about how this is going to go down?


Formation lap drama! Wow we are starting early with the complications today. Hulkenburg losing power and told to pit…now being told not to pit. Oh shiiiiiiit. Aborted start.

Jesus now Sainz has lost power! At this rate were going to do this whole race as a formation lap and with, like, 10 cars.


Lap 1: What the fuck Perez is in SECOND?! Ricciardo third and Bottas fourth ahead of Rosberg?! Damn.

Lap 2: Rosberg takes Bottas and now has Vettel on his rear. Maldonado looks like his race is all over red rover.

Lap 4: Verstappen takes Ericsson and Sainz car totally craps out? Maybe not, maybe he just pulled over to let the others through. Good guy Sainz.

Lap 5: Raikkonen takes Ericsson, continues to fight to hold on to his title of “King of Spa”. Make it happen Kimi.

Ad breaks. What is this, fucking amature hour, Channel 10?

Lap 7: We are back people! Fucking Perez is still in second.

Lap 8: Ricciardo pits early. Begin speculation as to why! Grosjean has overtaken Bottas?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???

Lap 9: Perez pits but comes out in 10th so Ricciardo has managed the undercut.

Lap 10: Bunch of cars pit. Grosjean, Massa and a few other people who’s names I missed. Grosjean overtakes Bottas AGAIN.

Lap 11: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid has balls of steal going around the outside of Blanchimont to overtake Ericsson.

Lap 13: Rosberg comes out of the pits ahead or Perez, gets challenged by Perez but stays in front and holds third. Thank christ.

Lap 14: Hamilton pits and rejoins behind Vettel who now currently leads the Belgium GP.

Lap 15: Vettel pits and I get an ad break. Rude.

Lap 16: Okay someone at Channel 10 is getting fired. There is currently TWO sets of commentary going on right now during the broadcast and it sounds like the most jumbled piece of Satan speak I’ve ever heard. I think they’re trying to tell me that Bottas has served his drive through penalty for having mix-n-match tires put on his car during his latest pit stop but honestly they could be telling me about the weather in Azerbaijan. What a clusterfuck. This is what happens when you don’t pay Crofty and Brundle to do your commentary.


Lap 19: Rant over. Satan has gone home and we are back. Battle for 7th consists of Kvyat, Massa and Raikkonen.

Lap 20: Grosjean overtakes Perez and neither of them crash into the other which is both surprising and disappointing.

Lap 21: NO GOD WHY Ricciardo’s Red Bull has given up entirely. Total failure in every sense. Virtual safety car deployed. So too are the ad breaks.

Lap 23: Apparently the virtual safety car is in and the clouds are gathering.

Lap 29: The most interesting thing that’s happened in the last six laps in that Kvyat has overtaken Bottas to take 9th.

Lap 31: Hamilton pits, drops to 2nd. Rosberg to pit at the end of the lap anyway.

Lap 32: Rosberg drops back into 2nd after his pit stop and Nasr over takes Alonso, takes 12th.

Lap 35: Sainz Toro Rosso has officially crapped out for reals this time. 16 cars left in the Belgium GP.

Lap 37: Kvyat overtakes Raikkonen to steal 7th and hunts down Massa and Perez ahead.


Lap 39: Kvyat is hot on Massa’s heals and Grosjean is going to have a go at Vettel. Verstappen overtakes Bottas.

Lap 40: Ever so slightly messy overtake by Kvyat on Massa but hey, he gets the job done and takes 6th.

Lap 41: Clean as fuck overtake by Kvyat on Perez to move himself up into 5th.

WOAH GOODBYE TIRE on Vettel’s Ferarri! Spontaneous combustion. Gonna call that as a fuck up by Ferrari only this time for Seb instead of Kimi (for once). THANKS FOR HANDING GROSJEAN THE PODIUM GUYS. They left Vettel out on those tires for a lap too long.

Last lap and Verstappen tries to pull a move on Raikkonen but screws it up, goes sideways and loses the place. Eat it.

Yeah cool checkered flag and SURPRISE SURPRISE Hamilton wins followed by Mercedes lesser loved child Rosberg and then bloody Grosjean is on the podium in third.

Honorable mention goes to Raikkonen because he’s the king of Spa and he made up 10 places whilst getting next to no love from the commentators.


Christ almighty those trophy shields are shiny. They’re basically mirrors with a sea shell in the centre. Hamilton, Rosberg and Grosjean and now inducted into the narcissistic mermaids association with those things.


I’m so done with you right now Spa, you beautiful bastard.

Alice live blogs the Hungarian GP

Welcome to Hungary pals.

A powerful reminder this evening of what these lads are willing to sacrifice in the name of sport and entertainment as we honour the passing of the beautiful and talented Jules Bianchi.

The difficult task now lies with the boys to put thoughts of Jules out of their minds and focus on the race ahead.


Nope. Sorry. False start. We’re doing “formation lap: the sequel”.
Apparently Massa’s Williams was out of position and now he’s probably going to be in the naughty corner at some point during the race.

LIGHTS OUT AND for reals this time AWAY WE GO!!!


Vettel in the lead followed by Raikkonen.

HAMILTON HAS GONE OFF THE TRACK and blames Rosberg as per usual. Awful start by my homeboy Ricciardo unfortunately.

Okay so, I missed a couple of laps out of pure elation but I’m back now.

Lap 7: Vettel still leads from Raikkonen followed by Rosberg. Hulkenberg is holding 5th followed by the two Red Bulls. Perez is in 8th and Massa is now defending 9th from Hamilton who can only manage 10th.

Lap 11: Hamilton has taken 9th from Massa via some bumper car style overtaking. Valiant job by Massa defending the crap out of that place for as long as he could.

Lap 12: Kyvat is pissed about team orders to let Ricciardo through. Red Bull: we like to repeat history.

Lap 13: Hamilton has now managed to get past Perez without incident. For once I would have been happy to see Perez run into someone but alas…

Lap 14: Bottas has been released into traffic and 16th place after his pit stop and now he’s wedged between Maldonado and Ericsson.

Lap 16: These pitstops are a bit of a shit-shambles.

Lap 18: Something has come off Raikkonen’s car. Looks like part of the wing. Commentators think it’s actually the camera mount.

Lap 19: Perez and Maldonado do what they do best and get involved in a bit of a crash. Nothing serious, they rejoin the race.

Lap 21: Rosberg pits. Drama free.

Lap 22: Vettel pits. Drama free. Raikkonen leads.
Ricciardo pits and rejoins in 4th just ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 23: Raikkonen pits. Drama free.

Lap 24: Battle commences between Ricciardo and Hamilton! Ricciardo doing all Australians proud by defending Hamilton like a champion.

Lap 28: Nasr vs Massa for 16th. It’s the battle of the Filipe’s.

Lap 29: Hamilton takes 4th from Ricciardo. God dammit.

Not much to report. This is like the come down from an epic high. Kind of bored, kind of grouchy, waiting for the next hit of excitement…

Lap 37: Rosberg being told to go faster. Apparently he doesn’t get a choice in tyre unless he gets a move along. I can only assume that Rosberg isn’t psyched on this news considering he’s ahead of his teammate but not getting priority treatment.

Lap 40: Nice battle unfolding between Bottas, Hulkenberg and Kvyat. 

Lap 42: Raikkonen thinks he has an issue with his engine. DO NOT BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS FERRARI.

Lap 43: Hulkenberg has a rather large crash into the tyre barrier and the virtual safety car has been deployed. Debris on the track.
Woah the replay shows Hulkenberg’s front wing literally just fell off his Force India.

Safety car is out. FUCK.
Raikkonen has lost his kinetic motor, meaning he can still race but with seriously compromised performance. DOUBLE FUCK.

I have completely covered the entire range of emotions known to human kind throughout this race and we’re only on lap 46. This sport will potentially be the death of me.

Safety car in this lap.

Here we go again…

Vettel holds the lead, Rosberg takes 2nd from Raikkonen. Hamilton hits Ricciardo like a dick. Bottas gets a puncture. Ricciardo in his damaged Red Bull rolls past Raikkonen to take 3rd.

Hamilton has to suck on a drive through penalty for crashing into my homeboy Ricciardo. Sorry not sorry.

aaaaaaaaand that noble act didn’t fix shit so I’m going to cry.

Lap 56: Raikkonen has retired. I give up. I am so done.

Lap 58: Vettel, Rosberg and Ricciardo are all in it to win it. I’m cheering for all of them at this point. Mostly Ricciardo. Go you good thing.

Lap 62: Sainz retires from the Hungarian GP.

Lap 64: RICCIARDO AND ROSBERG COLLIDE! Ricciardo damages his front wing and Rosberg has one hell of a puncture.

Holy hell this race is a kaleidoscope of drama. If you meet a Hungarian please shake there hand for me. Most epic race of the season by far.

Vettel crosses the line to win the Hungarian Grand Prix followed by KYVAT AND RICCIARDO. I’m not even mad, I’m simply stunned.

Seriously, what the hell just happened…


You know what, I think Jules would have loved that kind of race and just maybe he blessed us with one hell of a show.

Alice live blogs the British GP

Good evening chaps and welcome to Silverstone: Land of cucumber sandwiches and copious amounts of tea.

We’ve already lost Nasr from Sauber which is a shame.

Time to see if Hamilton can be victorious in front of his home crowd.


Massa takes the lead!!!
Bottas behind him in second followed by Hamilton and Rosberg.
Hamilton has taken second from Bottas.
Grosjean and Maldonado have made contact. Both out. Catch ya later Lotus.
Button is into the gravel and out of the race. McLaren undoubtedly loving life.
Now the safety car is out.

Alonso has had some damage to his McLaren from the whole first lap debacle and had to get his nose fixed which puts him at the back of the pack.

Safety car in and we are racing again!

Hamilton has gone wide in his Mercedes trying to attack Massa’s Williams and not only lost to Massa but Bottas has slipped his Williams into second and now Mercedes lesser loved son Rosberg is on his tail.
Verstappen has spun out into the gravel trap and is going to have to retire his Toro Rosso.

Lap 5: Force India’s Hulkenberg is in 5th with Ferrari’s Raikkonen in 6th. Vettel has been overtaken by Kvyat on the Red Bull and Perez’s Force India leaving him in 9th followed by Toro Rosso last man standing Sainz.

Lap 8: Hamilton has put in fastest lap and is closing on the Williams while Bottas rides on the tail of his teammate in the fight for 1st.
2.7 seconds between the top four drivers.

Lap 10: Vettel’s Ferrari has overtaken Perez and taken 8th. Apparently the Williams aren’t allowed to race each other. Boo to you Williams. Bottas doesn’t seem to be listening. Good on him, he’s giving it a go and telling his team where to stick it.

Lap 15: Both Ferrari drivers pit and the Mercedes tldo a kind of psych out faux pit stop where the team ran out but no car came in. Tricky.

Lap 17: Ricciardo has radioed his team saying his lost power to his Red Bull. Bugger.
Bottas is looking again to make a move on Massa but can’t quite get that illustrious overtake done.

Lap 19: Apparently it’s raining in Oxford which is 30 miles from Silverstone. That means we’re getting rain! Thank you Crofty and Brundle for that delightful weather report.

Lap 20: Hamilton pits and Mercedes goes for the undercut. He rejoins in 4th. Raikkonen overtakes Ericsson’s Sauber and takes 6th.
Massa pits from the lead. RACES ROSBERG IN THE PIT LANE AND REJOINS IN 3RD. The was properly epic.

Bottas pits. Massa has to concede 1st to Hamilton. Bottas rejoins side by side to Rosberg. Defends against Rosberg in an epic battle to hold 3rd. These guys are not messing around.

Lap 23: Ricciardo has had to retire due to engine problems. 😥

Lap 26: Radio call to Raikkonen, who’s now in 5th, giving him a heads up on the impending rain. Suspense mounts.

It’s been business as usual for the last few laps. For the most part everyone is just waiting for the rain to hit.

Lap 32: Perez has gone wide during his scrap with Sainz for 9th.

Lap 33: Now it looks like Sainz car has gone kaput and I’d say he’s out of the British GP. This race is like the hunger games of formula one.

Virtual safety car has come into play as they move Sainz car. As the virtual safety car ends the rain begins!

Lap 37: The rain has stopped according to Hamilton. If that’s true, I feel cheated.

Lap 38: Bottas seems to be lacking grip in the wet parts of the track and Rosberg runs quite wide behind him.

Lap 39: Vettel overtakes Raikkonen who sneaks straight into the pits onto intermediate tires to deal with the rain.

Lap 40: Rosberg overtakes Bottas to claim 3rd and Hamilton runs wide.

The rain has cleared for the next 5 minutes until the next shower rolls around leaving Raikkonen a bit stuffed on his new intermediate tires.

Lap 41: Rosberg overtakes Massa and now holds 2nd.

Lap 43: Rosberg gains on Hamilton who decides he needs to pit onto intermediate tires giving Rosberg the lead.

Yeah rain! Welcome back.

Lap 44: Every man and his dog is pitting onto intermediates. Rosberg dives in and now they’ve had to stack the Williams in the pit lane.

Lap 45: Vettel is now ahead of Massa in 3rd thanks to the pit stop craziness.

Five laps to go!

Stevens has kissed the barrier with his Marussia but is back on track.

Lap 48: Raikkonen is back in the pits for a new set of intermediates due to a nice fat gap between himself and his rivals.

Final lap! Still a bit of rain hanging around and it looks like Alonso will be scoring his first points of the season!

Hamilton cruises home to win his home grand prix. Rosberg takes second ahead of Vettel. I feel bad for Williams who have to settle for Massa in 4th and Bottas in 5th. Kvyat takes 6th, Hulkenberg 7th, Raikkonen 8th, Perez 9th and go you good thing Alonso in 10th!

Half a donut from Lewis Hamilton in celebration of his win.

Nice work Britain, that was a damn fine race to watch but now I’m off for a cheeky Nandos. 

Alice live blogs the Austrian GP

Well hello there Austria! How are we today? This track is owned by Steven Spielberg. True story (not really).

Niki Lauda’s home race which makes it super prestigious because Niki is king.

We should rename this particular round “Ultra penalty edition” with the two Red Bull drivers each having a 10 grid place penalties and the McLaren drivers receiving a staggering 25 grid place penalty each. Ouch.


Lap 1: Fucking what is going on Rosberg has overtaken Hamilton and OH MY GOD MASSIVE SMASH WITH ALONSO AND RAIKKONEN. Fernando’s McLaren is literally wedged on top of Kimi’s Ferrari.  Both drivers are fine! They’re walking away from the spectacular crash together, looking super casual as if they didn’t just destroy millions of dollars worth of aerodynamic, space age machinery.

Obviously the safety car is out.

In the mean time Kvyat has had to change his front nose due to damage from the start and Stevens has retired his Marussia.

What clusterfuck.

Button has pitted his McLaren and wants to go to the end on these tires??

Lap 6: Safety car is in and we are racing again! 

Lap 7: Sainz and Grosjean playing bumper cars with each other. More like wheel ON wheel racing.

Lap 9: Pretty sure Button’s plan to go all the way to the end of this race is nothing but a pipe dream because his McLaren is sounding properly broken. It is broken and Button is retiring.

*pause for TV ad break*

Lap 11: Hulkenberg is driving like a beast and Ericsson is being penalized for a jump start.

Lap 13: The drivers are discovering that this circuit is actually a track of oil and ice as everyone is sliding around and off the tarmac. Grosjean, I’m looking at your Lotus.

Lap 15: Bottas in his Williams showing off his mad overtaking skills on Verstappen’s Toro Rosso.

Rosberg still leads from Hamilton. The two Mercedes are both driving well and there isn’t a lot to report from up front. Vettel holds third in his Ferrari from Massa’s Williams. Force India’s Hulkenberg is 5th and Bottas is in 6th.

Lap 23: Ericsson has successfully rebooted his multimillion dollar computer and the Sauber is running again. Albeit in last.

Lap 25: Bottas yet again pulling some sick overtaking moves on Hulkenberg. Moves up into 5th.

Lap 27: Awesome scrap for 12th between Nasr in his Sauber and Grosjean. Grosjean wins after many corners of wheel to wheel racing.

Lap 28: Hulkenberg dives back in front of Bottas and metaphorically flips him off in the process. Hulkenberg’s new soft tire is working beautifully.

Lap 30: Verstappen overtakes Kvyat to claim 10th.

Lap 32: Kvyat is having serious trouble with his unbalanced Red Bull, Grosjean has just overtaken him and he’s not even trying to stop it from happening.

Lap 34: Rosberg has pitted and rejoined in 4th despite a massive lock up in the pit lane entrance.

Lap 36: Bottas and Hulkenberg aren’t done with their battle. Hamilton pits and rejoins back in 2nd. Grosjean does some off road driving.

Lap 37: Vettel’s pit stop adds insult to Ferrari’s injury by being a whopping THIRTEEN SECONDS long thanks to the left rear tire gun not wanting to cooperate. Sainz has retired. Grosjean has retired. There is now a mere 14 cars still running. Hamilton gets a 5 seconds penalty for crossing the pit lane exit line. This race is the literal definition of “a comedy or errors”.

Lap 41: Maldonado gets his Lotus past both Kvyat and Nasr in one swift move, claims 9th.

Lap 47: Perez puts his Force India into 10th ahead of Nasr.

Lap 51: Maldonado takes 8th from Ricciardo’s Red Bull despite Ricciardo doing some valiant defensive driving.

Lap 52: Ricciardo serves his pit stop penalty and rejoins in 11th with a set of fresh baked tires.

Lap 56: Impending battle between Massa and Vettel for third with the Ferrari steadily gaining on the Williams.

Lap 61: Ricciardo takes 10th from Nasr to put himself back in the points.

Lap 63: Scraps ahoy for Verstappen in 7th and Maldonado hot on his heels.

Lap 67: The battle for third is on like Donkey Kong, Vettel is baring down on Massa who’s having none of it. Rosberg is freaking out over one of his tires reliability.

Lap 68: Maldonado goes sideways, saves it and overtakes Verstappen who locks up.

Rosberg wins the Austrian grand prix! Hamilton second, Massa holds third leaving Vettel to fourth. Bottas finishes 5th, Hulkenberg doing a stellar job to claim 6th, Maldonado 7th, Verstappen 8th, Perez in 9th and Ricciardo taking the last of the points in 10th.

The only way we could have managed some extra action during this race is if Spielberg had managed to get some velociraptors on the track.

Night y’all!

Alice live blogs the Canadian GP

Holy crap it’s 4 o’clock in the morning right now and I’ve managed to wake myself up for this.


A warning that I’m currently running on about 3.5 hours sleep so this might not be the most coherent post I’ve ever written. Okie dokie, here goes nothing…

Ahoy Canada! How are we this fine morning? What a potentially exciting race we have ahead of us. Looking forward to seeing some great driving.


Hamilton has held onto 1st with Rosberg and Raikkonen and Bottas all getting very close to one another but everyone holds their starting places of 2nd, 3rd and 4th respectively.

Lap 2: Force India’s Hulkenberg has jumped up a position to 6th.

Lap 4: Vettel in the Ferrari and Massa in the Williams making some brilliant moves as they overtake and make their way through the back of the field.

Lap 7: Sauber’s Ericsson is not giving up 11th to Massa or Vettel behind him. Defending like a champ and giving us a beautiful little battle.

Lap 8: Vettel surprisingly pits and – ooooh dear it’s S  L  O  W. Something has stuffed up big time. Sucks to be you right now.

Lap 10: Gorgeous long overtaking move between Massa and Ericsson. Both drivers fighting for 11th with Ericsson aggressively defending and brilliant wheel to wheel action. Massa takes the place from the Sauber.

Lap 12: Button’s McLaren has moved up into 18th place after serving his drive through penalty during the early laps of the race and Vettel is running 17th. Verstappen’s Toro Rosso is now in 15th after overtaking Nasr in his Sauber.

Lap 17: Hamilton has extended his lead in the Mercedes to 17 seconds to Rosberg, Bottas looms behind Raikkonen’s Ferrari and Massa is flying up through the places into the top 10.

Lap 20: McLaren’s Alonso has no interest in letting Vettel take 15th and there’s dust flying and contact. Massa takes yet ANOTHER place moving himself into 7th.

Lap 21: Vettel gets the job done on Alonso and nabs 15th.

Lap 22: Hamilton has lapped Button, Vettel has overtaken Verstappen, Maldonado’s Lotus overtakes Ericsson. Much overtaking. Very good viewing. Wow.

Aaaaaand my live stream has dropped out. I am too tired and disorientated to fix this but I need to so I’m going to give it a go….

Okay we are back! Here’s what was missed: Ricciardo pits his Red Bull onto super soft tires. Alonso has finally had enough of the McLaren situation and has gotten (understandably) grumpy over team radio. Apparently his fuel consumption is too high. Despite a total lack of power from the car. Not cool guys.


Lap 27: Vettel into the top 10 and chasing down Maldonado in 9th. Raikkonen pits, drama free, rejoins in 4th behind Bottas.

Lap 28: Oh jesus Raikkonen is doing donuts through the hairpin. Crap. Lovely spectacle for the fans but utterly shit for Ferrari. Didn’t he do that last year as well? Maybe he does it as a tribute to Tim Horton.

Lap 29: Bottas pits slowly but it doesn’t matter, he rejoins ahead of Raikkonen in 3rd.

Lap 30: Hamilton pits, then Rosberg pits and Vettel has moved into 6th.

Lap 33: Kvyat’s Red Bull overtakes Verstappen to take 10th and Rosberg is chipping away at Hamilton’s lead.

Lap 35: Massa is now in 5th and he hasn’t made a pit stop yet. What a drive!

Lap 36: Vettel pits onto super softs and rejoins in 9th. THERE IS A GROUNDHOG ON THE TRACK! Oh Canada. He’s fine, the little guy made a run for it and got safely out of the way.


Lap 38: Massa has now pitted and needs to make these super soft tires last until the end of the race. He rejoins in 9th just ahead of Kvyat.

Lap 41: Raikkonen pits again (no spinning this time please and thank you) and holds 4th place. Vettel vs. Hulkenberg scrap under way.

Lap 44: Whoa big old mess of an overtake between Vettel and Hulkenberg. Vettel ensures no contact was made but Hulkenberg spins and loses 7th to Vettel and has Massa overtake him at the same time. Insult to injury.

Lap 47: Alonso is out of the Canadian GP. Disappointing really doesn’t cut it as an accurate description of the McLaren situation.

Lap 49: Potential battle royale in the closing stages between the Mercedes drivers? Much talk of Rosberg attacking and saving his breaks for the final laps and Hamilton saving fuel in order to respond.

Lap 50: Surprise pit stop for Lotus! They did not realize that one was happening. So unprepared. Grosjean literally ran into Stevens Marussia’s front wing and gave himself a puncture. What a twat. He’ll be getting a penalty for that move, no doubt. Grosjean is on team radio acting like Stevens hit him…

gwen stephani

Lap 55: Sainz Toro Rosso overtakes Ricciardo’s Red Bull. Touch awkward.

Lap 56: Vettel overtakes Maldonado and claims 5th. Vettel now racing his teammate ahead but the gap is 12 seconds.

Lap 57: Button told to retire his McLaren. Jesus.

Lap 60: Verstappen’s Toro Rosso is all over the back of Ericsson in the battle for 14th.

Lap 62: The lap between Hamilton and Rosberg is 1.8 seconds, then 30 seconds back to Bottas who is 7.8 seconds ahead of Raikkonen. Vettel trails his teammate by 9 seconds. Merhi’s Marussia retires 😦

I seriously doubt that there’s going to be a change to the top 5 runners at this point. The Mercedes battle speculation was LIES!

Nothing much to report here. Hamilton keeps locking up but it’s not making any real difference. He’s also being told to lift and coast to safe fuel for the last lap? It’s in the bag for Hamilton.

Surprise, surprise. Hamilton wins the Canadian GP followed by his team mate Rosberg. Bottas holds 3rd with Raikkonen having to settle for 4th (thanks a bunch Kimi, it’s not like I woke up this stupidly early in the hopes of seeing you on the podium or anything), Vettel does incredibly well to claim 5th. Stunning drive from Massa to take out 6th, Maldonado 7th, Hulkenberg 8th, Kvyat 9th and Grosjean (aka Crashy McSmashy) 10th rounding out the points.


Okay, thanks Canada for a decent race with some nice action. It was interesting enough to keep me awake for 2 hours and that’s no mean feat.

Now I’m going back to bed…


Alice live blogs the Monaco GP

Oh my god we are in Monaco!
This is the crown jewel of the formula one calender. This race is so glamorous I’m drinking champagne to get my buzz on. Classy as f*ck.

Royals! Yachts! One stop strategy! Narrow streets! This is what F1 is all about. BRING IT MONTE CARLO.


Hulkenberg’s Force India is properly smooshed into that barrier. Looks like Alonso may have had a hand in that. Hulkenberg and Massa have had to pit due to first lap damage.

Hamilton leads in his Mercedes (obviously).

Lap 5: Maldonado’s Lotus is suffering break issues and Toro Rosso have told Verstappen to attack.

Lap 6: Verstappen touches the back of Maldonado and damages his front wing but manages a nail biting overtake. Alonso handed a 5 second penalty for causing the collision with Hulkenberg.

Lap 8: Kyvat got the jump on Ricciardo at the start so now it’s gonna be Red Bull v. Red Bull for the next few laps. Maldonado has retired. Again.

AD BREAK. I’ll take this opportunity to mourn the lack of Crofty,  Brundle and Kravitz as Channel 10 apparently can’t afford them. It’s a travesty.

Lap 12: The McLaren don’t actually look too shabby today. Button is holding 9th with Alonso currently in 10th (sans penalty). The Williams are doing shite with Bottas is 13th and Massa in 19th.

Not that much is really happening. Grosjean has pitted his Lotus. Raikkonen has been asked by Ferrari about his tires. Marussia drivers are allowing cars to pass with ease. Monaco is so damn pretty.

Lap 23: Tire and strategy talk! Rosberg’s Mercedes may have 2nd place threatened by Vettel’s Ferrari if he goes for the undercut. Rosberg needs to push for a gap but Vettel won’t allow it. He is keeping it tiiiiiight.

Lap 26: Sainz Toro Rosso is being shown the blue flag to let Hamilton through but he’s either finding it difficult to find the space in which to do that or he’s colour blind.

Lap 28: Raikkonen closes on Ricciardo. Vettel closes on Rosberg.

Lap 29: Kvyat pits from 4th and rejoins in 9th. Raikkonen bears down on Ricciardo’s Red Bull and the pair vie for 4th place.

Lap 30: Disaster for Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid! Major delays getting his rear tire on during his pit stop and he drops out of the points into 13th.

Lap 34: Alonso serves his penalty and doesn’t seems to lose any time which is great news for McLaren as they’re both running in the points with Button 8th and Fernando 9th.


Lap 37: Vettel and Ricciardo pit. Kvyat gets ahead of his teammate and retakes 4th.

Lap 38: Rosberg responds to Vettel’s pit. Raikkonen pits. Rosberg holds off Vettel as goes back into 2nd but Raikkonen gets the job done on Ricciardo and takes 5th. Hamilton pits and holds the lead.

Lap 40: Oh jesus Kimi has decided to take a shortcut through the chicane but it doesn’t look like he’ll get a penalty because he didn’t gain an advantage. KEEP IT TOGETHER RAIKKONEN.

Lap 43: Dammit Alonso, you can’t park there. I had such high hopes for you and McLaren but now you’ve gone and ruined it all by going off the track and giving up on life. No one knows more about giving up on life more than an unemployed 25 year old (me) but COME ON. So he’s retired.


Lap 46: Verstappen has moved into 12th and is putting pressure on Bottas. Ricciardo is apparently struggling ahead of Perez.

Lap 48: Verstappen has pitted again? ‘Kay. He’s back to 13th now. Not Crofty commentator is talking about Senna. Aw Senna. I hope you’re watching in Formula One heaven.

Again, not much happening right now. It’s Monaco. You can’t expect a whole lot of overtaking.

BEST RAIKKONEN RADIO CHAT. Kimi sounding ultra relaxed and almost jovial whilst cornering wondering about the gap back to Ricciardo. He doesn’t want to get too close to the Sauber back marker but he won’t get the blue flag if he doesn’t close that gap. So much for not talking to drivers in the corners, the man is practically going around a hairpin whilst having a chat.

Lap 58: Damn son! Vettel AND Verstappen overtake backmarker Massa (embarassing) in one swift move of epic proportions! Verstappen now in 11th.

Lap 61: Verstappen tries to tail Vettel through the hairpin to take Grosjean but the Lotus holds 10th. This battle ain’t over.

Lap 64: HOLY SHIT MASSIVE IMPACT BETWEEN VERSTAPPEN AND GROSJEAN. MOTHER OF GOD MAX HAS LOST A WHEEL AND HIT THE BARRIER HARD. He’s okay! Verstappen is talking and getting out of the car and walking away. Christ that was a big crash. Grosjean seems to think this was all Verstappen’s fault (Max did lunge to take the place and clip Romain as a result) and has had a nice swear over team radio.

SAFETY CAR IS OUT. FOR SOME REASON ROSBERG IS FIRST? Hamilton is third due to a pit stop. Vettel second. OH MY GOD I LOVE MONACO SO HARD RIGHT NOW. Lapped cars are coming through to rejoin at the back and it’s an absolute clusterfuck. This is amazing.

Lap 70: Safety car is in and all hell is breaking loose!!! Rosberg is flying. Vettel is defending. Ricciardo is putting pressure on Raikkonen.

Lap 72: Ricciardo has pushed Raikkonen out of 5th in a move that, to quote Kimi, was “not very nice”.

Lap 73: Kvyat obeys team orders and let’s Ricciardo through to take 4th.

Lap 75: Ricciardo is now closing on Hamilton! Oh. My. God. This is the best closing stages of a race since Bahrain.


Nico Rosberg wins the Monaco Grand Prix! Basically a home race win for him. Props. Vettel second and Hamilton has to settle for third. HA! Kvyat 4th as Ricciardo gives back the place to take 5th. Raikkonen 6th, Perez 7th, Button 8th (Woo! Well done you guys!), Nasr 9th and Sainz 10th rounding out the points.

Lewis Hamilton is the sookiest man in the world right now. He’s actually run into the 3rd place sign out of anger. Oh god his frustration is palpable. Lewis has taken his trophy and his champagne and walked off. He is literally sulking.
Sore looooooooooser.

The podium interviews are phenomenal. Nico is being humble in his happiness. Seb is being diplomatic. Lewis is PISSED but attempting to keep it together. Brundle is rubbing it in. Seb has abandoned diplomacy and is now being a happy little puppy.


Alice live blogs the Spanish GP

We are back in Europe! The sun is shining, the cars sound stupid and we are ready for the Spanish Grand Prix. Let’s all take a moment to pray to the F1 gods that the next two hours of our lives aren’t dull.


Woah there is a big old bunch of cars going through that first corner! Wheel to wheel action!
Rosberg holds his lead followed by Vettel then Hamilton and Bottas at the end of the lap. Raikkonen jumps up into 5th with the two Toro Rosso close behind. 

Lap 3: The Red Bulls aren’t doing great to be honest. Kvyat has dropped to 13th and Ricciardo is in 11th.

Massa is overtaking cars like it ain’t no thang. He’s now up into 6th.

Lap 5: Rosberg is not taking this lead for granted. Fastest laps all over the place for Nico.

Lap 8: Lotus vs Toro Rosso battles underway. Maldonado takes Max Verstappen with Sainz being passed by Grosjean.

Lap 9: Typically there’s a sizeable gap between the front runners (Mercedes, Ferrari and Williams) to the rest of the pack. Hamilton can’t close the gap on Vettel. Red Bull, Toro Rosso and Lotus all in for some good battles. Force India and Sauber cannot get it together and are effectively just a bit shit today.

Lap 12: We are beginning to see cars pit.

Lap 13: Apparently Hamilton is on ‘Plan C’ and has been told it’s “Hammer Time”.

Lap 14: Lewis told to “do the opposite of Vettel”. His team radio has been priceless this race. OH HIS REAR WHEEL ISN’T GOING ON PROPERLY DURING HIS PIT STOP. DISASTER FOR HAMILTON.

Lap 15: Vettel pits in 2.3 seconds and rolls back out ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 16: Problem free pit stop for Rosberg and Bottas. Kimi ‘whats-a-pitstop?’ Raikkonen leads the race. Lotus with rear wing troubles…in the pits (pun!)

Lap 18: Kimi pits and come out behind Bottas into 5th.

Lap 21: Vettel fighting off Hamilton. Raikkonen getting a pep talk. Alonso in 7th? Nice!

Lap 22: Grosjean told to “lift when you use the bad gear” or else he’s going to blow his engine. Yeah, that’s what you’d call the opposite of good news for the Frenchman.

Lap 24: Sahweet scrap between Kvyat and Verstappen.
Raikkonen as per usual making miracles happen on the tyres that no one likes (hard compound). May the sisu be with you!

Lap 27: Button’s car is having an identity crisis. It doesn’t seem to understand it’s meant to be a Formula One car and currently sits in 18th after being overtaken by Maldonado’s Lotus.

Lap 28: CATASTROPHE FOR HOMEBOY ALONSO IN THE PITS. MASSIVE BRAKE FAILURE AND HE COMPLETELY OVERSHOT THE PIT BOX. No one injured thank goodness because that was properly crazy. Alonso out of his home race 😦

Lap 30: Ricciardo has managed to get himself up into 7th, Grosjean 8th, Kvyat 9th and Verstappen 10th to round out the potential points.

Half way mark! Hamilton pits onto hard tyres, come out into 5th. Massa pits, goes into 6th. Rosberg holds the lead.

Lap 35: After overtaking Raikkonen, Hamilton is going gangbusters. According to his team radio he’s back to ‘Plan B’. How many plans does this guy have?!

Strategy chat brought to you by Crofty, Brundle and Kravitz: why didn’t Ferrari cover the undercut from Mercedes? Apparently they lack the ability to improvise. Not the team you’d pick to play theater sports with then.

Lap 41: Vettel pits and rejoins in 4th ahead of Raikkonen who’s on a two stop strategy.

Raikkonen makes his final pit stop (thankfully drama free) and rejoins in 6th.

Lap 46: Rosberg pits for the final time and loses the lead to Hamilton who has to pit again.

Lap 47: Raikkonen gets the job done on Massa to take 5th.
Maldonado forced to retire. Again.

Lap 49: Not much to report. Even the commentators are struggling to find stuff to talk about. Good time to have a cup of tea or pour yourself another glass of wine.

Lap 50: ………..

Lap 52: Hamilton pits for the final time and rejoins the race in 2nd and it looks like it’s going to be a Mercedes 1 – 2.

Lap 54: Can Raikkonen catch Bottas before he runs out of laps? Will we get some Finn on Finn action? Is Vettel screwed on these older tyres? I demand answers!

Lap 55: Vettel imitates Raikkonen and gets the shits over team radio regarding blue flags and traffic. Less monotone and sweary than Kimi but still amusing.

Lap 58: Hamilton wants to know if there’s any chance he can take the lead from Rosberg. Team says “No”. Tells him to preserve the engine. Hamilton goes a second faster. Gives zero fucks.

Lap 59: Finn on Finn action commences! Iceman vs Iceboy according to Brundle. Can someone please turn that into a comic?!

Four laps to go!
Verstappen locks up twice and can’t defend 10th against his teammate. Bottas defending hard against Raikkonen.

Talk ensues about the whole Ferrari 2016 line up. Does Ferrari want Hamilton? Will it be Bottas wearing red next year? Will Kimi have his contract renewed? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS YOU CAN’T IMMEDIATELY ANSWER!

Lap 66: Contact between Kvyat and Sainz.

Rosberg wins by a MILE (17.5 seconds) from Hamilton. Vettel is probably a bit annoyed with his 3rd. Bottas holds 4th from Raikkonen who definitely won’t be pleased with 5th. Massa claims 6th, Ricciardo manages 7th, Grosjean keeps from blowing up his car in 8th, Sainz takes 9th from Kvyat in 10th.

German chit chat between Nico and Seb pre podium. Crofty attempts to translate. Seb admits during his podium interview that racing drivers always have something to complain about. THEY’VE BECOME SELF AWARE.

Well that’s a wrap! Congratulations to Nico on his first win of the season and a great drive. Here’s what the final results look like:


MONACO NEXT!!! The crown jewel of the F1 calender. Cannot. Wait.

Spain Qualifying wrap up

Buenas tardes amigos!


After what felt like a somewhat tedious wait we are finally here in beautiful Barcelona to get qualifying under way.

Mark Webber has made an appearance in the paddock and graced as all with his chiselled cheekbones. The man is the Australian prince of F1 and Fernando Alonso’s biggest fan. Ultimate bromance.

The first session of qualifying gets off to a fairly average start. The Mercedes of Hamilton and Rosberg quickly make their way onto the front row with the Williams of Massa and Bottas close behind. Not a great start was had by Ferrari with Vettel locking up and going AWOL and Kimi encountering traffic and lacking rear grip.

Button and Alonso both manage to get their McLaren Honda’s over the line in 6th and 5th respectively, obviously owing to the 2kg paint job improvement. Excellent consumer information: when picking out the paint job for your car consider the weight of metallic flakes. It may look oh so awesome and shiny but it weighs a fucking tonne in F1 terms.


It’s at this point in Q1 that chaos ensues (which I’m obviously kind of stoked about) with Raikkonen putting his Ferrari neatly into second, Vettel following into third until Rosberg charges in to steal the second. Then the stampede of cars crosses the line and mixes shit up. Suddenly we have Sainz Toro Rosso in 4th, Massa in 5th, Bottas 6th, Lotus gets both driver across the line with Maldonado 7th and Grosjean in 8th, Verstappen’s Toro Rosso takes 9th pushing Vettel’s Ferrari into 10th place.

This surprising kerfuffle is rounded out by Ricciardo in the Reb Bull taking 11th, Nasr and his Sauber in 12th, the McLaren in Button in 13th followed by Kyvat’s Red Bull in 14th and home grown hero Alonso 15th.


Commentating legends Crofty, Brundle and Kravitz raise the question: “Is Kimi Raikkonen being treat like the ‘number two’ driver at Ferrari?” This is due to Seb getting access to all the new parts and modifications during qualifying and Kimi being put onto a set of medium tyres that he would have preferred to keep for not only Q3 but also the race. The medium compound will be the preferred tyre for the race. Time will tell how this all plays out for Raikkonen.

After much chit-chat by the delightful British commentators we are ready for the second session.

Hamilton, both the Ferraris and Bottas all put in solid flying laps lining themselves up into the top spots surprising absolutely no one right up until Nico “hundreths-of-a-second-lesser-loved-child” Rosberg romps it into first! Well done you! That sounds condescending. Moving along…

glen coco

Verstappen puts himself into 6th and wedges himself between Bottas and Massa with Sainz managing 8th followed by the Red Bull racers of Ricciardo in 9th and Kyvat in 10th. There’s a brief break in the running of Q2 with the Ferrari and Mercedes teams deciding that’s quite enough of this qualifying business and just leave their cars to chill in the pits and run down the clock. That decision sort of backfires when Massa goes out and takes 4th from Vettel. Sainz moves himself into 8th behind his team mate.

Poor Fernando. No Q3 for his home race but yay for Sainz the Spaniard!

Onto the last round of qualifying and the business end of things. This is where shit got real. Bottas goes W I D E and Raikkonen does a crap time on used tires. They still manage 4th and 5th respectively behind Vettel. Comeback kid Rosberg one again flips the proverbial bird to Hamilton and nails his first flying lap with a 1.24.6. At this point we’ve have Sainz AND Verstappen squeeze Raikkonen out and down into 7th leaving 8th to Kvyat, 9th to Massa and 10th to Ricciardo.

Hamilton attempts to steal away with pole but he can’t get it done. Nico Rosberg will start from pole position at the Spanish Grand Prix! Lewis is probably not feeling so #blessed right about now.


So that wraps up qualifying. The Spanish GP is going to kick off with the line-up looking like this:


Predictions for tomorrow? Mad battle between Rosberg and Lewis for the win. There is potential for the Mercedes to get caught up in their own scraps allowing the Williams and Ferraris to bridge the gap. That being said I am not counting the Toro Rosso lads out as they’ve proven that they are here to throw down. It should be good! Tune in tomorrow for the live blog.


Honourable mention goes to Daniil Kyvat for out qualifying his team mate for the first time (my Australian citizenship may be revoked for saying that).

Alice live blogs the Bahrain GP

I stayed up until 1am again for this shit so it better be worth it. Australian Formula One fan life.

No Jenson Button this race. I’m going to miss the James Bond of F1 on the track.

And now Massa’s car won’t start. Draaaaama and we haven’t even got going yet. He’s getting shunned to the back of the pack.

Let’s do this thing Bahrain.


Beautiful start by Hamilton in the Mercedes defending against Vettel’s Ferrari. Raikkonen’s Ferrari has taken Rosberg’s Mercedes and holds 3rd.

Lap 3: Rosberg and Raikkonen battling it out!!!

Lap 4: Hamilton locks up and Vettel closes the gap.

Lap 6: Sauber’s Ericsson hot on the tail of Force India’s Hulkenberg.

Lap 7: Massa in the Williams making up lost ground taking McLaren’s Alonso for 14th.

The problem with watching the GP on the telly is that there are bloody ad breaks! I mean streaming is a pain but right now I’m questioning if this is worse. I can’t win.

Lap 9: Rosberg has overtaken Vettel.

Lap 10: Kimi closes in on Vettel.

Lap 11: A whole bunch of cars are pitting. Three stop strategy for these guys?

Lap 12: Nice battle between Kvyat in the Red Bull and Alonso unfolding for 9th.

Lap 13: Lotus’ Maldonado has set the fastest lap?!?!?

Lap 14: Vettel pits for the undercut
Grosjean’s Lotus has taken Hulkenberg for 9th with Alonso in the pit.

Lap 15: Mercedes responds to the Ferrari undercut but Vettel stays in front. Rosberg told to attack to reclaim 3rd. The Williams of Bottas and the Red Bull of Ricciardo pit.

Lap 16: Hamilton is pitting. KIMI RAIKKONEN LEADS. ROSBERG CHALLENGES VETTEL DOWN THE STRAIGHT. SPARKS ARE FLYING. ROSBERG RECLAIMS 3RD. Rosberg and Vettel within a second of Hamilton who is in 2nd.

Another ad break. I literally could not care about pizza right now Domino’s so please get off my screen and let me get back to the race.

I can only assume that during the break Raikkonen pitted due to the fact that he’s now in 4th. Yep. Comfirmed.

Lap 20: Massa up to 10th but is sandwiched between Hulkenberg in 9th and Sauber’s Nasir in 11th

Lap 23: Massa fighting to hold 10th in his slightly damaged Williams from Nasir.
Lap 25: Nasir has overtaken Massa but now they’ve all pitted! Maldonado comes out ahead of Massa and now Nasir is once again behind the Williams. Woah that was cray. There was a scrap in pit lane. Magical.

Lap 27: Yeah Ericsson’s pit stop was bad. Dude is now in 17th.
Raikkonen is closing the gap between himself and teammate Vettel.

Aaaaaand more ads. Channel 10 why can’t you play the GP ad free? It’s 1.50am on Monday morning and this is just unnecessary. I DON’T WANT TO BE A NAVY OFFICER GET THIS ADVERT THE HELL OUTTA HERE.

Lap 29: Hulkenberg’s Force India gets the job done on Alonso’s McLaren for 11th place.

Lap 30: Yeah now Massa has overtaken Alonso. Poor sweet Fernando. Maybe next year will be your year.

Lap 31: Sainz Toro Rosso looks like it’s done with this race. It’s out.
Now Nasir has overtaken Alonso as well and it looks like Kvyat has taken Maldonado.

Lap 34: Hamilton and Bottas both put onto the medium tire.
Maldonado retakes 8th back off Kvyat.

Lap 35: Rosberg pits onto mediums and Vettel gets ahead of him again in that time with a fastest lap and Kimi is again race leader.
Beautiful overtake by Nasir on Hulkenberg for 11th.

Lap 36: Oh bloody hell Vettel’s gone rouge and decided to do some off road driving, basically handing Rosberg 3rd place.
Verstappen’s Toro Rosso appears to have sympathetically stopped working, same as his teammate. That’s both of their cars out of the running. Disappointing for a team showing great promise.

Lap 37: And now Vettel has opted to replace his front wing which could potentially be him throwing away a chance at the podium. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW PEOPLE?!

Oh yeah great time for an ad break. It’s cool, I’ll just miss a bunch of laps for products and services I’m never going to use. Sweet.

Lap 39: What the fuck is going on with Alonso overtaking Raikkonen? What is happening right now? You’re race leader! What the hell?

Lap 40: Hamilton is now race leader overtaking Kimi and now the Ferrari pits onto soft tires and comes out in 3rd. That was a hell of a stint on those tires by Raikkonen.

Lap 41: It’s looking like a Bottas v Vettel battle ahead. Fun times!

Lap 43: Oh dear what has happened to Maldonado’s Lotus? A lot of smoke coming from his breaks.
Kimi sets the fastest lap.
Maldonado has managed to reset and restart.

Lap 44: Vettel closes on Bottas. Kimi taking time off the gap between himself and Rosberg. Excitement cautiously mounting.

Lap 46: Ah Minttu! Kimi’s beautiful partner. Also looking cautiously excited. She knows what’s up.

Ads. Ads. Ads. I’m going to cuddle my cat in order to calm myself.

Lap 49: The battle between Bottas and Vettel is getting fairly intense. These guys are damn near neck and neck.

Lap 50: In 7 laps Kimi has taken 11 seconds off the gap to Nico. This. Is. Epic.

Nick Mason looks like Jeremy Clarkson in 15 years. Just sayin.

Five laps to go. Start saying your “Hail Marys” people.
Woooo Vettel got super close to a fender bender with Bottas but no change.



Lap 57: Hamilton having break issues but looking secure in 1st.

Lewis Hamilton wins the Bahrain GP.


Rosberg takes third. Sorry not sorry.
Bottas holds fourth leaving Vettel in fifth.
Ricciardo crosses the line in spectacular fashion with his engine billowing smoke to take sixth!
Grosjean in seventh with Perez eighth, Kvyat ninth and Massa with a valiant effort to finish in the points taking 10th. Props to all those dudes for this great driving.

Omg Kimi podium. Dream come true. Crowd loves him. He keeps stealing the microphone off Jackie Stewart. And touching his sweaty face. He is a monotone god.

It’s now 3am here so I need to go to bed. Bahrain I thank you. It was 110% worth staying awake for the race and you did not disappoint.