Alice live blogs the Hungarian GP

Welcome to Hungary pals.

A powerful reminder this evening of what these lads are willing to sacrifice in the name of sport and entertainment as we honour the passing of the beautiful and talented Jules Bianchi.

The difficult task now lies with the boys to put thoughts of Jules out of their minds and focus on the race ahead.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWA-

Nope. Sorry. False start. We’re doing “formation lap: the sequel”.
Apparently Massa’s Williams was out of position and now he’s probably going to be in the naughty corner at some point during the race.

LIGHTS OUT AND for reals this time AWAY WE GO!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS WE HAVE FERRARIS IN THE LEAD!

Vettel in the lead followed by Raikkonen.
VETTEL.
RAIKKONEN.
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

HAMILTON HAS GONE OFF THE TRACK and blames Rosberg as per usual. Awful start by my homeboy Ricciardo unfortunately.

Okay so, I missed a couple of laps out of pure elation but I’m back now.

Lap 7: Vettel still leads from Raikkonen followed by Rosberg. Hulkenberg is holding 5th followed by the two Red Bulls. Perez is in 8th and Massa is now defending 9th from Hamilton who can only manage 10th.

Lap 11: Hamilton has taken 9th from Massa via some bumper car style overtaking. Valiant job by Massa defending the crap out of that place for as long as he could.

Lap 12: Kyvat is pissed about team orders to let Ricciardo through. Red Bull: we like to repeat history.

Lap 13: Hamilton has now managed to get past Perez without incident. For once I would have been happy to see Perez run into someone but alas…

Lap 14: Bottas has been released into traffic and 16th place after his pit stop and now he’s wedged between Maldonado and Ericsson.

Lap 16: These pitstops are a bit of a shit-shambles.

Lap 18: Something has come off Raikkonen’s car. Looks like part of the wing. Commentators think it’s actually the camera mount.

Lap 19: Perez and Maldonado do what they do best and get involved in a bit of a crash. Nothing serious, they rejoin the race.

Lap 21: Rosberg pits. Drama free.

Lap 22: Vettel pits. Drama free. Raikkonen leads.
Ricciardo pits and rejoins in 4th just ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 23: Raikkonen pits. Drama free.

Lap 24: Battle commences between Ricciardo and Hamilton! Ricciardo doing all Australians proud by defending Hamilton like a champion.

Lap 28: Nasr vs Massa for 16th. It’s the battle of the Filipe’s.

Lap 29: Hamilton takes 4th from Ricciardo. God dammit.

Not much to report. This is like the come down from an epic high. Kind of bored, kind of grouchy, waiting for the next hit of excitement…

Lap 37: Rosberg being told to go faster. Apparently he doesn’t get a choice in tyre unless he gets a move along. I can only assume that Rosberg isn’t psyched on this news considering he’s ahead of his teammate but not getting priority treatment.

Lap 40: Nice battle unfolding between Bottas, Hulkenberg and Kvyat. 

Lap 42: Raikkonen thinks he has an issue with his engine. DO NOT BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS FERRARI.

Lap 43: Hulkenberg has a rather large crash into the tyre barrier and the virtual safety car has been deployed. Debris on the track.
Woah the replay shows Hulkenberg’s front wing literally just fell off his Force India.

Safety car is out. FUCK.
Raikkonen has lost his kinetic motor, meaning he can still race but with seriously compromised performance. DOUBLE FUCK.

I have completely covered the entire range of emotions known to human kind throughout this race and we’re only on lap 46. This sport will potentially be the death of me.

Safety car in this lap.

Here we go again…

Vettel holds the lead, Rosberg takes 2nd from Raikkonen. Hamilton hits Ricciardo like a dick. Bottas gets a puncture. Ricciardo in his damaged Red Bull rolls past Raikkonen to take 3rd.

Hamilton has to suck on a drive through penalty for crashing into my homeboy Ricciardo. Sorry not sorry.

Lap 53: KIMI RAIKKONEN, KING OF ALL DRIVERS, PULLS INTO THE PITS, RESTARTS HIS FERRARI AND REJOINS THE RACE BECAUSE KIMI IS THE EMBODIMENT OF SISU.
aaaaaaaaand that noble act didn’t fix shit so I’m going to cry.

Lap 56: Raikkonen has retired. I give up. I am so done.

Lap 58: Vettel, Rosberg and Ricciardo are all in it to win it. I’m cheering for all of them at this point. Mostly Ricciardo. Go you good thing.

Lap 62: Sainz retires from the Hungarian GP.

Lap 64: RICCIARDO AND ROSBERG COLLIDE! Ricciardo damages his front wing and Rosberg has one hell of a puncture.

Holy hell this race is a kaleidoscope of drama. If you meet a Hungarian please shake there hand for me. Most epic race of the season by far.

Vettel crosses the line to win the Hungarian Grand Prix followed by KYVAT AND RICCIARDO. I’m not even mad, I’m simply stunned.

Seriously, what the hell just happened…

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You know what, I think Jules would have loved that kind of race and just maybe he blessed us with one hell of a show.

Alice live blogs the British GP

Good evening chaps and welcome to Silverstone: Land of cucumber sandwiches and copious amounts of tea.

We’ve already lost Nasr from Sauber which is a shame.

Time to see if Hamilton can be victorious in front of his home crowd.

LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO.

Massa takes the lead!!!
Bottas behind him in second followed by Hamilton and Rosberg.
Hamilton has taken second from Bottas.
Grosjean and Maldonado have made contact. Both out. Catch ya later Lotus.
Button is into the gravel and out of the race. McLaren undoubtedly loving life.
Now the safety car is out.
THAT WAS A HELL OF A FIRST LAP SWEET JESUS!

Alonso has had some damage to his McLaren from the whole first lap debacle and had to get his nose fixed which puts him at the back of the pack.

Safety car in and we are racing again!

Hamilton has gone wide in his Mercedes trying to attack Massa’s Williams and not only lost to Massa but Bottas has slipped his Williams into second and now Mercedes lesser loved son Rosberg is on his tail.
Verstappen has spun out into the gravel trap and is going to have to retire his Toro Rosso.

Lap 5: Force India’s Hulkenberg is in 5th with Ferrari’s Raikkonen in 6th. Vettel has been overtaken by Kvyat on the Red Bull and Perez’s Force India leaving him in 9th followed by Toro Rosso last man standing Sainz.

Lap 8: Hamilton has put in fastest lap and is closing on the Williams while Bottas rides on the tail of his teammate in the fight for 1st.
2.7 seconds between the top four drivers.

Lap 10: Vettel’s Ferrari has overtaken Perez and taken 8th. Apparently the Williams aren’t allowed to race each other. Boo to you Williams. Bottas doesn’t seem to be listening. Good on him, he’s giving it a go and telling his team where to stick it.

Lap 15: Both Ferrari drivers pit and the Mercedes tldo a kind of psych out faux pit stop where the team ran out but no car came in. Tricky.

Lap 17: Ricciardo has radioed his team saying his lost power to his Red Bull. Bugger.
Bottas is looking again to make a move on Massa but can’t quite get that illustrious overtake done.

Lap 19: Apparently it’s raining in Oxford which is 30 miles from Silverstone. That means we’re getting rain! Thank you Crofty and Brundle for that delightful weather report.

Lap 20: Hamilton pits and Mercedes goes for the undercut. He rejoins in 4th. Raikkonen overtakes Ericsson’s Sauber and takes 6th.
Massa pits from the lead. RACES ROSBERG IN THE PIT LANE AND REJOINS IN 3RD. The was properly epic.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Bottas pits. Massa has to concede 1st to Hamilton. Bottas rejoins side by side to Rosberg. Defends against Rosberg in an epic battle to hold 3rd. These guys are not messing around.

Lap 23: Ricciardo has had to retire due to engine problems. ūüė•

Lap 26: Radio call to Raikkonen, who’s now in 5th, giving him a heads up on the impending rain. Suspense mounts.

It’s been business as usual for the last few laps. For the most part everyone is just waiting for the rain to hit.

Lap 32: Perez has gone wide during his scrap with Sainz for 9th.

Lap 33: Now it looks like Sainz car has gone kaput and I’d say he’s out of the British GP. This race is like the hunger games of formula one.

Virtual safety car has come into play as they move Sainz car. As the virtual safety car ends the rain begins!

Lap 37: The rain has stopped according to Hamilton. If that’s true, I feel cheated.

Lap 38: Bottas seems to be lacking grip in the wet parts of the track and Rosberg runs quite wide behind him.

Lap 39: Vettel overtakes Raikkonen who sneaks straight into the pits onto intermediate tires to deal with the rain.

Lap 40: Rosberg overtakes Bottas to claim 3rd and Hamilton runs wide.

The rain has cleared for the next 5 minutes until the next shower rolls around leaving Raikkonen a bit stuffed on his new intermediate tires.

Lap 41: Rosberg overtakes Massa and now holds 2nd.

Lap 43: Rosberg gains on Hamilton who decides he needs to pit onto intermediate tires giving Rosberg the lead.

Yeah rain! Welcome back.

Lap 44: Every man and his dog is pitting onto intermediates. Rosberg dives in and now they’ve had to stack the Williams in the pit lane.

Lap 45: Vettel is now ahead of Massa in 3rd thanks to the pit stop craziness.

Five laps to go!

Stevens has kissed the barrier with his Marussia but is back on track.

Lap 48: Raikkonen is back in the pits for a new set of intermediates due to a nice fat gap between himself and his rivals.

Final lap! Still a bit of rain hanging around and it looks like Alonso will be scoring his first points of the season!

Hamilton cruises home to win his home grand prix. Rosberg takes second ahead of Vettel. I feel bad for Williams who have to settle for Massa in 4th and Bottas in 5th. Kvyat takes 6th, Hulkenberg 7th, Raikkonen 8th, Perez 9th and go you good thing Alonso in 10th!

Half a donut from Lewis Hamilton in celebration of his win.

Nice work Britain, that was a damn fine race to watch but now I’m off for a cheeky Nandos. 

Alice live blogs the Canadian GP

Holy crap it’s 4 o’clock in the morning right now and I’ve managed to wake myself up for this.

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A warning that I’m currently running on about 3.5 hours sleep so this might not be the most coherent post I’ve ever written. Okie dokie, here goes nothing…

Ahoy Canada! How are we this fine morning? What a potentially exciting race we have ahead of us. Looking forward to seeing some great driving.

AND WE ARE AWAY!

Hamilton has held onto 1st with Rosberg and Raikkonen and Bottas all getting very close to one another but everyone holds their starting places of 2nd, 3rd and 4th respectively.

Lap 2: Force India’s Hulkenberg has jumped up a position to 6th.

Lap 4: Vettel in the Ferrari and Massa in the Williams making some brilliant moves as they overtake and make their way through the back of the field.

Lap 7: Sauber’s Ericsson is not giving up 11th to Massa or Vettel behind him. Defending like a champ and giving us a beautiful little battle.

Lap 8: Vettel surprisingly pits and – ooooh dear it’s S ¬†L ¬†O ¬†W. Something has stuffed up big time. Sucks to be you right now.

Lap 10: Gorgeous long overtaking move between Massa and Ericsson. Both drivers fighting for 11th with Ericsson aggressively defending and brilliant wheel to wheel action. Massa takes the place from the Sauber.

Lap 12: Button’s McLaren has moved up into 18th place after serving his drive through penalty during the early laps of the race¬†and Vettel is running 17th. Verstappen’s Toro Rosso is now in 15th after overtaking Nasr in his Sauber.

Lap 17: Hamilton has extended his lead in the Mercedes to 17 seconds to Rosberg, Bottas looms behind Raikkonen’s Ferrari and Massa is flying up through the places into the top 10.

Lap 20: McLaren’s Alonso has no interest in letting Vettel take 15th and there’s dust flying and contact. Massa takes yet ANOTHER place moving himself into 7th.

Lap 21: Vettel gets the job done on Alonso and nabs 15th.

Lap 22: Hamilton has lapped Button, Vettel has overtaken Verstappen, Maldonado’s Lotus overtakes Ericsson. Much overtaking. Very good viewing. Wow.

Aaaaaand my live stream has dropped out. I am too tired and disorientated to fix this but I need to so I’m going to give it a go….

Okay we are back! Here’s what was missed: Ricciardo pits his Red Bull onto super soft tires. Alonso has finally had enough of the McLaren situation and has gotten (understandably) grumpy over team radio. Apparently his fuel consumption is too high. Despite a total lack of power from the car. Not cool guys.

alonso

Lap 27: Vettel into the top 10 and chasing down Maldonado in 9th. Raikkonen pits, drama free, rejoins in 4th behind Bottas.

Lap 28: Oh jesus Raikkonen is doing donuts through the hairpin. Crap. Lovely spectacle for the fans but utterly shit for Ferrari. Didn’t he do that last year as well? Maybe he does it as a tribute to Tim Horton.

Lap 29: Bottas pits slowly but it doesn’t matter, he rejoins ahead of Raikkonen in 3rd.

Lap 30: Hamilton pits, then Rosberg pits and Vettel has moved into 6th.

Lap 33: Kvyat’s Red Bull overtakes Verstappen to take 10th and Rosberg is chipping away at Hamilton’s lead.

Lap 35: Massa is now in 5th and he hasn’t made a pit stop yet. What a drive!

Lap 36: Vettel pits onto super softs and rejoins in 9th. THERE IS A GROUNDHOG ON THE TRACK! Oh Canada. He’s fine, the little guy made a run for it and got safely out of the way.

ground-hog

Lap 38: Massa has now pitted and needs to make these super soft tires last until the end of the race. He rejoins in 9th just ahead of Kvyat.

Lap 41: Raikkonen pits again (no spinning this time please and thank you) and holds 4th place. Vettel vs. Hulkenberg scrap under way.

Lap 44: Whoa big old mess of an overtake between Vettel and Hulkenberg. Vettel ensures no contact was made but Hulkenberg spins and loses 7th to Vettel and has Massa overtake him at the same time. Insult to injury.

Lap 47: Alonso is out of the Canadian GP. Disappointing really doesn’t cut it as an accurate description of the McLaren situation.

Lap 49: Potential battle royale in the closing stages between the Mercedes drivers? Much talk of Rosberg attacking and saving his breaks for the final laps and Hamilton saving fuel in order to respond.

Lap 50: Surprise pit stop for Lotus! They did not realize that one was happening. So unprepared. Grosjean literally ran into¬†Stevens Marussia’s front wing and gave himself a puncture. What a twat. He’ll be getting a penalty for that move, no doubt. Grosjean is on team radio acting like Stevens hit him…

gwen stephani

Lap 55: Sainz Toro Rosso overtakes Ricciardo’s Red Bull. Touch awkward.

Lap 56: Vettel overtakes Maldonado and claims 5th. Vettel now racing his teammate ahead but the gap is 12 seconds.

Lap 57: Button told to retire his McLaren. Jesus.

Lap 60: Verstappen’s Toro Rosso is all over the back of Ericsson in the battle for 14th.

Lap 62: The lap between Hamilton and Rosberg is 1.8 seconds, then 30 seconds back to Bottas who is 7.8 seconds ahead of Raikkonen. Vettel trails his teammate by 9 seconds. Merhi’s Marussia retires ūüė¶

5 LAPS TO GO!
I seriously doubt that there’s going to be a change to the top 5 runners at this point. The Mercedes battle speculation was LIES!

Nothing much to report here. Hamilton keeps locking up but it’s not making any real difference. He’s also being told to lift and coast to safe fuel for the last lap? It’s in the bag for Hamilton.

Surprise, surprise. Hamilton wins the Canadian GP followed by his team mate Rosberg. Bottas holds 3rd with Raikkonen having to settle for 4th (thanks a bunch Kimi, it’s not like I woke up this stupidly early in the hopes of seeing you on the¬†podium or anything), Vettel does incredibly well to claim 5th. Stunning drive from Massa to take out 6th, Maldonado 7th, Hulkenberg 8th, Kvyat 9th and Grosjean (aka Crashy McSmashy) 10th rounding out the points.

canadagpresults

Okay, thanks Canada for a decent race with some nice action. It was interesting enough to keep me awake for 2 hours and that’s no mean feat.

Now I’m going back to bed…

robincanada

Alice live blogs the Monaco GP

Oh my god we are in Monaco!
This is the crown jewel of the formula one calender. This race is so glamorous I’m drinking champagne to get my buzz on. Classy as f*ck.

Royals! Yachts! One stop strategy! Narrow streets! This is what F1 is all about. BRING IT MONTE CARLO.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!!!!!

Hulkenberg’s Force India is properly smooshed into that barrier. Looks like Alonso may have had a hand in that. Hulkenberg and Massa have had to pit due to first lap damage.

Hamilton leads in his Mercedes (obviously).

Lap 5: Maldonado’s Lotus is suffering break issues and Toro Rosso have told Verstappen to attack.

Lap 6: Verstappen touches the back of Maldonado and damages his front wing but manages a nail biting overtake. Alonso handed a 5 second penalty for causing the collision with Hulkenberg.

Lap 8: Kyvat got the jump on Ricciardo at the start so now it’s gonna be Red Bull v. Red Bull for the next few laps. Maldonado has retired. Again.

AD BREAK. I’ll take this opportunity to mourn the lack of Crofty,  Brundle and Kravitz as Channel 10 apparently can’t afford them. It’s a travesty.

Lap 12: The McLaren don’t actually look too shabby today. Button is holding 9th with Alonso currently in 10th (sans penalty). The Williams are doing shite with Bottas is 13th and Massa in 19th.

Not that much is really happening. Grosjean has pitted his Lotus. Raikkonen has been asked by Ferrari about his tires. Marussia drivers are allowing cars to pass with ease. Monaco is so damn pretty.

Lap 23: Tire and strategy talk! Rosberg’s Mercedes may have 2nd place threatened by Vettel’s Ferrari if he goes for the undercut. Rosberg needs to push for a gap but Vettel won’t allow it. He is keeping it tiiiiiight.

Lap 26: Sainz Toro Rosso is being shown the blue flag to let Hamilton through but he’s either finding it difficult to find the space in which to do that or he’s colour blind.

Lap 28: Raikkonen closes on Ricciardo. Vettel closes on Rosberg.

Lap 29: Kvyat pits from 4th and rejoins in 9th. Raikkonen bears down on Ricciardo’s Red Bull and the pair vie for 4th place.

Lap 30: Disaster for Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid! Major delays getting his rear tire on during his pit stop and he drops out of the points into 13th.

Lap 34: Alonso serves his penalty and doesn’t seems to lose any time which is great news for McLaren as they’re both running in the points with Button 8th and Fernando 9th.

ANOTHER AD BREAK.

Lap 37: Vettel and Ricciardo pit. Kvyat gets ahead of his teammate and retakes 4th.

Lap 38: Rosberg responds to Vettel’s pit. Raikkonen pits. Rosberg holds off Vettel as goes back into 2nd but Raikkonen gets the job done on Ricciardo and takes 5th. Hamilton pits and holds the lead.

Lap 40: Oh jesus Kimi has decided to take a shortcut through the chicane but it doesn’t look like he’ll get a penalty because he didn’t gain an advantage. KEEP IT TOGETHER RAIKKONEN.

Lap 43: Dammit Alonso, you can’t park there. I had such high hopes for you and McLaren but now you’ve gone and ruined it all by going off the track and giving up on life. No one knows more about giving up on life more than an unemployed 25 year old (me) but COME ON. So he’s retired.

GOD DAMMIT AD BREAK.

Lap 46: Verstappen has moved into 12th and is putting pressure on Bottas. Ricciardo is apparently struggling ahead of Perez.

Lap 48: Verstappen has pitted again? ‘Kay. He’s back to 13th now. Not Crofty commentator is talking about Senna. Aw Senna. I hope you’re watching in Formula One heaven.

Again, not much happening right now. It’s Monaco. You can’t expect a whole lot of overtaking.

BEST RAIKKONEN RADIO CHAT. Kimi sounding ultra relaxed and almost jovial whilst cornering wondering about the gap back to Ricciardo. He doesn’t want to get too close to the Sauber back marker but he won’t get the blue flag if he doesn’t close that gap. So much for not talking to drivers in the corners, the man is practically going around a hairpin whilst having a chat.

Lap 58: Damn son! Vettel AND Verstappen overtake backmarker Massa (embarassing) in one swift move of epic proportions! Verstappen now in 11th.

Lap 61: Verstappen tries to tail Vettel through the hairpin to take Grosjean but the Lotus holds 10th. This battle ain’t over.

Lap 64: HOLY SHIT MASSIVE IMPACT BETWEEN VERSTAPPEN AND GROSJEAN. MOTHER OF GOD MAX HAS LOST A WHEEL AND HIT THE BARRIER HARD. He’s okay! Verstappen is talking and getting out of the car and walking away. Christ that was a big crash. Grosjean seems to think this was all Verstappen’s fault (Max did lunge to take the place and clip Romain as a result) and has had a nice swear over team radio.

SAFETY CAR IS OUT. FOR SOME REASON ROSBERG IS FIRST? Hamilton is third due to a pit stop. Vettel second. OH MY GOD I LOVE MONACO SO HARD RIGHT NOW. Lapped cars are coming through to rejoin at the back and it’s an absolute clusterfuck. This is amazing.

Lap 70: Safety car is in and all hell is breaking loose!!! Rosberg is flying. Vettel is defending. Ricciardo is putting pressure on Raikkonen.

Lap 72: Ricciardo has pushed Raikkonen out of 5th in a move that, to quote Kimi, was “not very nice”.

Lap 73: Kvyat obeys team orders and let’s Ricciardo through to take 4th.

Lap 75: Ricciardo is now closing on Hamilton! Oh. My. God. This is the best closing stages of a race since Bahrain.

HAMILTON TEAM RADIO HISSY FIT. DRINK.

Nico Rosberg wins the Monaco Grand Prix! Basically a home race win for him. Props. Vettel second and Hamilton has to settle for third. HA! Kvyat 4th as Ricciardo gives back the place to take 5th. Raikkonen 6th, Perez 7th, Button 8th (Woo! Well done you guys!), Nasr 9th and Sainz 10th rounding out the points.

Lewis Hamilton is the sookiest man in the world right now. He’s actually run into the 3rd place sign out of anger. Oh god his frustration is palpable. Lewis has taken his trophy and his champagne and walked off. He is literally sulking.
Sore looooooooooser.

The podium interviews are phenomenal. Nico is being humble in his happiness. Seb is being diplomatic. Lewis is PISSED but attempting to keep it together. Brundle is rubbing it in. Seb has abandoned diplomacy and is now being a happy little puppy.

NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY TOP THIS RACE. Fuck I love Monaco.

Alice live blogs the Spanish GP

We are back in Europe! The sun is shining, the cars sound stupid and we are ready for the Spanish Grand Prix. Let’s all take a moment to pray to the F1 gods that the next two hours of our lives aren’t dull.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Woah there is a big old bunch of cars going through that first corner! Wheel to wheel action!
Rosberg holds his lead followed by Vettel then Hamilton and Bottas at the end of the lap. Raikkonen jumps up into 5th with the two Toro Rosso close behind. 

Lap 3: The Red Bulls aren’t doing great to be honest. Kvyat has dropped to 13th and Ricciardo is in 11th.

Massa is overtaking cars like it ain’t no thang. He’s now up into 6th.

Lap 5: Rosberg is not taking this lead for granted. Fastest laps all over the place for Nico.

Lap 8: Lotus vs Toro Rosso battles underway. Maldonado takes Max Verstappen with Sainz being passed by Grosjean.

Lap 9: Typically there’s a sizeable gap between the front runners (Mercedes, Ferrari and Williams) to the rest of the pack. Hamilton can’t close the gap on Vettel. Red Bull, Toro Rosso and Lotus all in for some good battles. Force India and Sauber cannot get it together and are effectively just a bit shit today.

Lap 12: We are beginning to see cars pit.

Lap 13: Apparently Hamilton is on ‘Plan C’ and has been told it’s “Hammer Time”.

Lap 14: Lewis told to “do the opposite of Vettel”. His team radio has been priceless this race. OH HIS REAR WHEEL ISN’T GOING ON PROPERLY DURING HIS PIT STOP. DISASTER FOR HAMILTON.

Lap 15: Vettel pits in 2.3 seconds and rolls back out ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 16: Problem free pit stop for Rosberg and Bottas. Kimi ‘whats-a-pitstop?’ Raikkonen leads the race. Lotus with rear wing troubles…in the pits (pun!)

Lap 18: Kimi pits and come out behind Bottas into 5th.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS STOP TALKING TO LEWIS IN THE CORNERS OKAY? HOW MANY TIMES DOES HE HAVE TO TELL YOU? GOSH.

Lap 21: Vettel fighting off Hamilton. Raikkonen getting a pep talk. Alonso in 7th? Nice!

Lap 22: Grosjean told to “lift when you use the bad gear” or else he’s going to blow his engine. Yeah, that’s what you’d call the opposite of good news for the Frenchman.

Lap 24: Sahweet scrap between Kvyat and Verstappen.
Raikkonen as per usual making miracles happen on the tyres that no one likes (hard compound). May the sisu be with you!

Lap 27: Button’s car is having an identity crisis. It doesn’t seem to understand it’s meant to be a Formula One car and currently sits in 18th after being overtaken by Maldonado’s Lotus.

Lap 28: CATASTROPHE FOR HOMEBOY ALONSO IN THE PITS. MASSIVE BRAKE FAILURE AND HE COMPLETELY OVERSHOT THE PIT BOX. No one injured thank goodness because that was properly crazy. Alonso out of his home race ūüė¶

Lap 30: Ricciardo has managed to get himself up into 7th, Grosjean 8th, Kvyat 9th and Verstappen 10th to round out the potential points.

Half way mark! Hamilton pits onto hard tyres, come out into 5th. Massa pits, goes into 6th. Rosberg holds the lead.

Lap 35: After overtaking Raikkonen, Hamilton is going gangbusters. According to his team radio he’s back to ‘Plan B’. How many plans does this guy have?!

Strategy chat brought to you by Crofty, Brundle and Kravitz: why didn’t Ferrari cover the undercut from Mercedes? Apparently they lack the ability to improvise. Not the team you’d pick to play theater sports with then.

Lap 41: Vettel pits and rejoins in 4th ahead of Raikkonen who’s on a two stop strategy.

Lap 42: JESUS WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THESE PITSTOPS? GROSJEAN OVERSHOOTS THE BOX AND DAMN NEAR IMPALES THE FRONT JACK GUY. He’s okay. Give the guy a medal he still managed to jack the car!
Raikkonen makes his final pit stop (thankfully drama free) and rejoins in 6th.

Lap 46: Rosberg pits for the final time and loses the lead to Hamilton who has to pit again.

Lap 47: Raikkonen gets the job done on Massa to take 5th.
Maldonado forced to retire. Again.

Lap 49: Not much to report. Even the commentators are struggling to find stuff to talk about. Good time to have a cup of tea or pour yourself another glass of wine.

Lap 50: ………..

Lap 52: Hamilton pits for the final time and rejoins the race in 2nd and it looks like it’s going to be a Mercedes 1 – 2.

Lap 54: Can Raikkonen catch Bottas before he runs out of laps? Will we get some Finn on Finn action? Is Vettel screwed on these older tyres? I demand answers!

Lap 55: Vettel imitates Raikkonen and gets the shits over team radio regarding blue flags and traffic. Less monotone and sweary than Kimi but still amusing.

Lap 58: Hamilton wants to know if there’s any chance he can take the lead from Rosberg. Team says “No”. Tells him to preserve the engine. Hamilton goes a second faster. Gives zero fucks.

Lap 59: Finn on Finn action commences! Iceman vs Iceboy according to Brundle. Can someone please turn that into a comic?!

Four laps to go!
Verstappen locks up twice and can’t defend 10th against his teammate. Bottas defending hard against Raikkonen.

Talk ensues about the whole Ferrari 2016 line up. Does Ferrari want Hamilton? Will it be Bottas wearing red next year? Will Kimi have his contract renewed? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS YOU CAN’T IMMEDIATELY ANSWER!

Lap 66: Contact between Kvyat and Sainz.

Rosberg wins by a MILE (17.5 seconds) from Hamilton. Vettel is probably a bit annoyed with his 3rd. Bottas holds 4th from Raikkonen who definitely won’t be pleased with 5th. Massa claims 6th, Ricciardo manages 7th, Grosjean keeps from blowing up his car in 8th, Sainz takes 9th from Kvyat in 10th.

German chit chat between Nico and Seb pre podium. Crofty attempts to translate. Seb admits during his podium interview that racing drivers always have something to complain about. THEY’VE BECOME SELF AWARE.

Well that’s a wrap! Congratulations to Nico on his first win of the season and a great drive. Here’s what the final results look like:

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MONACO NEXT!!! The crown jewel of the F1 calender. Cannot. Wait.

Spain Qualifying wrap up

Buenas tardes amigos!

countryball

After what felt like a somewhat tedious wait we are finally here in beautiful Barcelona to get qualifying under way.

Mark Webber has made an appearance in the paddock and graced as all with his chiselled cheekbones. The man is the Australian prince of F1 and Fernando Alonso’s biggest fan. Ultimate bromance.

The first session of qualifying gets off to a fairly average start. The Mercedes of Hamilton and Rosberg quickly make their way onto the front row with the Williams of Massa and Bottas close behind. Not a great start was had by Ferrari with Vettel locking up and going AWOL and Kimi encountering traffic and lacking rear grip.

Button and Alonso both manage to get their McLaren Honda’s over the line in 6th and 5th respectively, obviously owing to the 2kg paint job improvement. Excellent consumer information: when picking out the paint job for your car consider the weight of metallic flakes. It may look oh so awesome and shiny but it weighs a fucking tonne in F1 terms.

adventuretime

It’s at this point in Q1 that chaos ensues (which I’m obviously kind of stoked about) with Raikkonen putting his Ferrari neatly into second, Vettel following into third until Rosberg charges in to steal the second. Then the stampede of cars crosses the line and mixes shit up. Suddenly we have Sainz Toro Rosso in 4th, Massa in 5th, Bottas 6th, Lotus gets both driver across the line with Maldonado 7th and Grosjean in 8th, Verstappen’s Toro Rosso takes 9th pushing Vettel’s Ferrari into 10th place.

This surprising¬†kerfuffle is rounded out by Ricciardo in the Reb Bull taking 11th, Nasr and his Sauber in 12th, the McLaren in Button in 13th followed by Kyvat’s Red Bull in 14th and home grown hero Alonso 15th.

losers

Commentating legends Crofty, Brundle and Kravitz raise the question: “Is Kimi Raikkonen being treat like the ‘number two’ driver at Ferrari?” This is due to Seb getting access to all the new parts and modifications during qualifying and Kimi being put onto a set of medium tyres that he would have preferred to keep for not only Q3 but also the race. The medium compound will be the preferred tyre for the race. Time will tell how this all plays out for Raikkonen.

After much chit-chat by the delightful British commentators we are ready for the second session.

Hamilton, both the Ferraris and Bottas all put in solid flying laps lining themselves up into the top spots surprising absolutely no one right up until Nico “hundreths-of-a-second-lesser-loved-child” Rosberg romps it into first! Well done you! That sounds condescending. Moving along…

glen coco

Verstappen puts himself into 6th and wedges himself between Bottas and Massa with Sainz managing 8th followed by the Red Bull racers of Ricciardo in 9th and Kyvat in 10th. There’s a brief break in the running of Q2 with the Ferrari and Mercedes teams deciding that’s quite enough of this qualifying business and just leave their cars to chill in the pits and run down the clock. That decision sort of backfires when Massa goes out and takes 4th from Vettel. Sainz moves himself into 8th behind his team mate.

Poor Fernando. No Q3 for his home race but yay for Sainz the Spaniard!

Onto the last round of qualifying and the business end of things. This is where shit got real. Bottas goes W I D E and Raikkonen does a crap time on used tires. They still manage 4th and 5th respectively behind Vettel. Comeback kid Rosberg one again flips the proverbial bird to Hamilton and nails his first flying lap with a 1.24.6. At this point we’ve have Sainz AND Verstappen squeeze Raikkonen out and down into 7th leaving 8th to Kvyat, 9th to Massa and 10th to Ricciardo.

Hamilton attempts to steal away with pole but he can’t get it done. Nico Rosberg will start from pole position at the Spanish Grand Prix! Lewis is probably not feeling so #blessed right about now.

labyrinth

So that wraps up qualifying. The Spanish GP is going to kick off with the line-up looking like this:

spainquali

Predictions for tomorrow? Mad battle between Rosberg and Lewis for the win. There is potential for the Mercedes to get caught up in their own scraps allowing the Williams and Ferraris to bridge the gap. That being said I am not counting the Toro Rosso lads out as they’ve proven that they are here to throw down. It should be good! Tune in tomorrow for the live blog.

lewis

Honourable mention goes to Daniil Kyvat for out qualifying his team mate for the first time (my Australian citizenship may be revoked for saying that).

Alice live blogs the Bahrain GP

I stayed up until 1am again for this shit so it better be worth it. Australian Formula One fan life.

No Jenson Button this race. I’m going to miss the James Bond of F1 on the track.

And now Massa’s car won’t start. Draaaaama and we haven’t even got going yet. He’s getting shunned to the back of the pack.

Let’s do this thing Bahrain.

LIGHTS OUT HERE WE GO!!!

Beautiful start by Hamilton in the Mercedes defending against Vettel’s Ferrari. Raikkonen’s Ferrari has taken Rosberg’s Mercedes and holds 3rd.

Lap 3: Rosberg and Raikkonen battling it out!!!

Lap 4: Hamilton locks up and Vettel closes the gap.

Lap 6: Sauber’s Ericsson hot on the tail of Force India’s Hulkenberg.

Lap 7: Massa in the Williams making up lost ground taking McLaren’s Alonso for 14th.

The problem with watching the GP on the telly is that there are bloody ad breaks! I mean streaming is a pain but right now I’m questioning if this is worse. I can’t win.

Lap 9: Rosberg has overtaken Vettel.

Lap 10: Kimi closes in on Vettel.

Lap 11: A whole bunch of cars are pitting. Three stop strategy for these guys?

Lap 12: Nice battle between Kvyat in the Red Bull and Alonso unfolding for 9th.

Lap 13: Lotus’ Maldonado has set the fastest lap?!?!?

Lap 14: Vettel pits for the undercut
Grosjean’s Lotus has taken Hulkenberg for 9th with Alonso in the pit.

Lap 15: Mercedes responds to the Ferrari undercut but Vettel stays in front. Rosberg told to attack to reclaim 3rd. The Williams of Bottas and the Red Bull of Ricciardo pit.

Lap 16: Hamilton is pitting. KIMI RAIKKONEN LEADS. ROSBERG CHALLENGES VETTEL DOWN THE STRAIGHT. SPARKS ARE FLYING. ROSBERG RECLAIMS 3RD. Rosberg and Vettel within a second of Hamilton who is in 2nd.

Another ad break. I literally could not care about pizza right now Domino’s so please get off my screen and let me get back to the race.

I can only assume that during the break Raikkonen pitted due to the fact that he’s now in 4th. Yep. Comfirmed.

Lap 20: Massa up to 10th but is sandwiched between Hulkenberg in 9th and Sauber’s Nasir in 11th

Lap 23: Massa fighting to hold 10th in his slightly damaged Williams from Nasir.
 
Lap 25: Nasir has overtaken Massa but now they’ve all pitted! Maldonado comes out ahead of Massa and now Nasir is once again behind the Williams. Woah that was cray. There was a scrap in pit lane. Magical.

Lap 27: Yeah Ericsson’s pit stop was bad. Dude is now in 17th.
Raikkonen is closing the gap between himself and teammate Vettel.

Aaaaaand more ads. Channel 10 why can’t you play the GP ad free? It’s 1.50am on Monday morning and this is just unnecessary. I DON’T WANT TO BE A NAVY OFFICER GET THIS ADVERT THE HELL OUTTA HERE.

Lap 29: Hulkenberg’s Force India gets the job done on Alonso’s McLaren for 11th place.

Lap 30: Yeah now Massa has overtaken Alonso. Poor sweet Fernando. Maybe next year will be your year.

Lap 31: Sainz Toro Rosso looks like it’s done with this race. It’s out.
Now Nasir has overtaken Alonso as well and it looks like Kvyat has taken Maldonado.

Lap 34: Hamilton and Bottas both put onto the medium tire.
Maldonado retakes 8th back off Kvyat.

Lap 35: Rosberg pits onto mediums and Vettel gets ahead of him again in that time with a fastest lap and Kimi is again race leader.
Beautiful overtake by Nasir on Hulkenberg for 11th.

Lap 36: Oh bloody hell Vettel’s gone rouge and decided to do some off road driving, basically handing Rosberg 3rd place.
Verstappen’s Toro Rosso appears to have sympathetically stopped working, same as his teammate. That’s both of their cars out of the running. Disappointing for a team showing great promise.

Lap 37: And now Vettel has opted to replace his front wing which could potentially be him throwing away a chance at the podium. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW PEOPLE?!

Oh yeah great time for an ad break. It’s cool, I’ll just miss a bunch of laps for products and services I’m never going to use. Sweet.

Lap 39: What the fuck is going on with Alonso overtaking Raikkonen? What is happening right now? You’re race leader! What the hell?

Lap 40: Hamilton is now race leader overtaking Kimi and now the Ferrari pits onto soft tires and comes out in 3rd. That was a hell of a stint on those tires by Raikkonen.

Lap 41: It’s looking like a Bottas v Vettel battle ahead. Fun times!

Lap 43: Oh dear what has happened to Maldonado’s Lotus? A lot of smoke coming from his breaks.
Kimi sets the fastest lap.
Maldonado has managed to reset and restart.

Lap 44: Vettel closes on Bottas. Kimi taking time off the gap between himself and Rosberg. Excitement cautiously mounting.

Lap 46: Ah Minttu! Kimi’s beautiful partner. Also looking cautiously excited. She knows what’s up.

Ads. Ads. Ads. I’m going to cuddle my cat in order to calm myself.

Lap 49: The battle between Bottas and Vettel is getting fairly intense. These guys are damn near neck and neck.

Lap 50: In 7 laps Kimi has taken 11 seconds off the gap to Nico. This. Is. Epic.

Nick Mason looks like Jeremy Clarkson in 15 years. Just sayin.

Five laps to go. Start saying your “Hail Marys” people.
Woooo Vettel got super close to a fender bender with Bottas but no change.

Lap 55: ONE SECOND BETWEEN RAIKKONEN AND ROSBERG. TRAFFIC AHEAD.

Lap 56: ROSBERG GOES WIDE. KIMI ATTACKS. TAKES SECOND AND DEFENDS. THIS. IS. HAPPENING.

Lap 57: Hamilton having break issues but looking secure in 1st.

Lewis Hamilton wins the Bahrain GP.

KIMI RAIKKONEN HOLDS SECOND. WE ARE GETTING A KIMI RAIKKONEN PODIUM. AND HE HAD THE FASTEST LAP OF TH- unbiased coverage. Okay. Get it together. Calm down…

Rosberg takes third. Sorry not sorry.
Bottas holds fourth leaving Vettel in fifth.
Ricciardo crosses the line in spectacular fashion with his engine billowing smoke to take sixth!
Grosjean in seventh with Perez eighth, Kvyat ninth and Massa with a valiant effort to finish in the points taking 10th. Props to all those dudes for this great driving.

Omg Kimi podium. Dream come true. Crowd loves him. He keeps stealing the microphone off Jackie Stewart. And touching his sweaty face. He is a monotone god.

It’s now 3am here so I need to go to bed. Bahrain I thank you. It was 110% worth staying awake for the race and you did not disappoint.

Bahrain Qualifying wrap up

Okie dokie we are in beautiful Bahrain this evening for qualifying and the battle for pole position!

bahrain

Basically Q1 blessed us with a comedy of errors. Raikkonen managed a massive lock up in his Ferrari which he later recovered from but Button’s McLaren did the thing where it forgot it was meant to be a Formula One car and decided to knock off early. No recovering for Button, just game over straight out the gate. To round it all out¬†there was a¬†lack of performance by Kvyat’s Red Bull which will only add more fuel to the Renault engine fire (aka the raging Red Bull anger of 2015).

Early drama aside, Q1 looked relatively normal. Mercedes, Ferrari and Williams all looking strong with Sauber and Force India keeping their drivers in the running with decent times and both Toro Rosso’s managed to carry themselves through to Q2.

Credit where credit is due – Alonso managed to get his not so broken McLaren Honda into 9th place by the end of Q1 which is kind of like the equivalent of the team conquering Mt Everest.

The participation award goes to Manor Marussia for getting both cars through another Q1 session. Albeit at the bottom of the time sheet. Gold stars for you.

you tried

So that leaves us with Maldonado, Kvyat, Stevens, Merhi and Button all getting the boot at the end of the session. Better luck next time boys.

It’s definitely windy in Bahrain! Excellent discussion between Crofty, Brundle and Ted Kravitz about just how windy it is. Is it gusty? Or just a touch breezy? Important British commentary.

The plot thickens in Q2 with the Mercedes vs. Ferrari vs. Williams three way (sadly not of the sexy kind) resulting in Hamilton besting Rosberg – SUPER SURPRISING YOU GUYS – only to have Raikkonen take 2nd away from Nico. Probably because he’s a Finn posing as a German…just a theory. Then Massa and Vettel both add insult to injury for Mercedes lesser loved son by putting their Williams and Ferrari in 4th and 5th respectively.

Grosjean in the Lotus, Ricciardo’s Red Bull, Hulkenberg’s Force India and Sainz Toro Rosso round out the top ten at the end of Q2 leaving Perez, Alonso, Verstappen, Nasir and Ericsson to get dropped from quali.

Prior to Q3 going ahead I was thinking about making up a qualifying drinking game just to spice things up a bit. It could have rules like:

  • Commentators cross to Ted Kravitz – take a sip
  • Team radio – take a sip
  • Serious shot of Team Principle in the garage/on the pit wall – take a sip
  • Rosberg is grumpy after qualifying/at Hamilton – finish your drink

I’m open to suggestions and improvements.

karen walker

Thankfully Q3 managed to provide us all with some well-earned excitement. The Ferrari’s came out early on used tires and both managed a 1:34:5 only to be totally outdone by Ricciardo who on fresh tires lay down a 1:33:850. Rosberg decided to pick up what Ricciardo was putting down but only managed a 1:33:854 which has got to hurt. At this point I think Nico should legally change his name to Nico ‘hundredths of a second’ Rosberg. Hamilton trumps them all with a 1:33:5.

At this point everyone pitted on to fresh tires and then shit got real. Really real. In the course of about a minute Vettel managed to put his Ferrari on pole with Raikkonen coming through in 2nd to lockout the front row. Those dreams were then almost instantaneously dashed by Rosberg who managed to steal 2nd only for Hamilton to do what Hamilton does best – claim pole position.

So where does that leave us for tomorrow? Well the results look a little something like this…

bahrain quali

Basically we should all get stupidly excited for the race this evening because the Ferrari boys are in with a fighting chance. I’m hoping for good old-fashioned Formula One fisty-cuffs and wheel-to-wheel racing against the Mercedes. The Williams look strong, as per usual, but Valtteri Bottas said even he doesn’t think they’ll be strong enough to take on Kimi and Seb.

Further back we can all look forward to some good scraps for points between Sauber, Force India, Lotus and Toro Rosso. Personally I’ll be keeping an eye out for Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid to fight his way up the leader board after a generally crappy qualifying. Don’t know about the Red Bull’s for this one. At this point I honestly would not be surprised if the engine literally fell out of the car.

Lets all just keep our fingers crossed that McLaren Honda and Manor Marussia can keep their cars on track until the end of the race. How depressing, I’m comparing McLaren to Manor…

Honourable mention to Niki Lauda for being Niki Lauda.

young niki

Alice live blogs the Chinese GP

We’re in Shanghai! How great are the Chinese fans? They go all out supporting their teams and drivers. Legends.

Word of warning: my stream may potentially drop out mid race. I could write an entire post on my anger over this whole situation (I probably will) but for now I will enjoy this while it lasts.

Right. Here we go. LIGHTS OUT LETS GO CHINA!

BOOM! Raikkonen gets the job done on the two Williams in a few corners.

Lap 1: Sainz is spinning around move out of his waaaaaay (sung like national treasure Kylie Minogue). Don’t talk to drivers in the corners. Seriously, they get real stroppy about it.

kylie

Lewis is race leader with Nico,  Sebastian and Kimi within a few seconds of him. Like 4 seconds. THIS IS GOOD GUYS WE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE A BATTLE HERE!

Lap 5: Perez’s Force India has overtaken Kvyat’s Red Bull. Well this is awkward. So awkward that the McLaren Hondas are on their tails.

Lap 6: What is with Red Bull drivers REFUSING to let their team mates pass them??? Kvyat is fighting off Ricciardo tooth and nail despite team radio asking him to let Daniel through. Love it. Such angst.

mark webber

Lap 8: Nice battles between Nasir in the Sauber and Maldonado in the Lotus resulting in Nasir losing 8th. Toro Rosso’s Verstappen is hot on the heals of Ericsson’s Sauber.

Lap 10: Oh no Hulkenburg! That’s a lot of smoke coming out of that Force India. Game over for the German.

So much tire strategy talk. Like, 4 laps worth of tire strategy talk. Probably because there’s not much else to talk about.

So here we go. Decisions have been made. Seb’s Ferrari is now on the faster soft tires to screw with Mercedes. Cue forshadowing music. I’m wondering if Kimi can make this a one stop race???

tire

Lap 15: Hamilton pits onto options and now the Williams are pitting as well. Also Raikkonen (there goes that that theory). No change to the places. Yawn.

Lap 16: Abruptly stop yawning as Kvyat rolls an on fire Red Bull into the gravel trap.

Lap 20: Three laps worth of chasing pays off and the 17 year old super child in the Torro Rosso has overtaken Sainz through the hairpin. Damn son.

Rosberg complaining that Hamilton is too slow and that Nico will ruin his tires being held up by him. Hamilton told to go faster. Not “hammer time” faster, just a lil bit. Someone give the Mercedes drivers a cup of cement and tell them both to harden the fuck up and just bloody drive without having a cry.

supernatural

Lap 22: Yeah Ricciardo’s overtake on Ericsson backfired and he went off the track. Bugger.

Lap 24: Carlos Sainz’s Torro Rosso starts shutting down and then he turned the thing off and then on again and it reboots.

Lap 27: Revenge is sweet as Ricciardo overtakes Ericsson AND THEN LOOSES IT – WHAT THE HELL DANIEL?!
Hamilton threatened by Mercedes to hurry the shit up or they’ll give Rosberg the strategic advantage.

Lap 29: For the love of Vegemite Riccardio make that overtake on the Sauber stick please. Cheers. I’ll buy you a beer.

Okay were now at lap 30 and it’s looking like all the teams are going to have to pit because errrbody complaining about their tires getting craptastic.

Vettle on mediums. Hamilton doing fastest laps. Rosberg getting a sluggish pit stop. Raikkonen going longer on these tires.

Lap 34: KIMI RAIKKONEN IS RACE LEADER! I try really hard not to be biased but nothing gives me more joy than writing that.

kimi

Lap 35: Something happened with a Lotus. Not sure which one but they looked super close to smooching a barrier with their car.
Kimi pits his Ferrari for the final stint followed by the two Williams.

Maybe it’s due to my sobriety but this race is a touch dull. Not Australian GP dull but still a touch on the “meh” side of things.

Lap 41: Verstappen again pulls some sweet moves on Perez and overtakes him followed by Ericsson.

Honorable mention to Marcus Ericsson and Daniel Ricciardo for their perpetual scrap. For reals. This whole race has been these two playing leap frog with each other for at least 44 laps.

Alonso I love you to pieces but get the fuck out of the way of Kimi’s Ferrari. I know it’s hard seeing your former teammate and former team lapping you but you make enough money to pay a therapist to deal with these emotional issues.

therapy

Lap 47: Scrapsville between Maldonado’s Lotus and the McLaren Honda of the James Bond of F1: Jenson Button.

Lap 49: Fernando has arrived in Scrapsville and NOW BUTTON AND MALDONADO CRASH! Ah crap.

Gratuitous shot of Benedict Cumberbatch looking suave in the Mercedes garage.

Lap 53: So the big question now is can Kimi take third from Seb? I say yes! If Ferrari knows what’s good for them they’ll let it happen because who doesn’t love a Raikkonen podium?! No one. The man is a gift to race fans and Finnish people everywhere.

GOD. DAMN. MOTHER. FUCKING. SAFETY. CAR.

Max Verstappen I really like you but we are TWO FUCKING LAPS AWAY FROM THE FLAG AND NOW YOU’VE GONE AND RUINED EVERYTHING. This is why we can’t have nice things.

I don’t want to be mean but can someone please assist the marshalls in removing this multimillion dollar piece of machinery off the track? What an absolute clusterfuck of a joke.

austin powers

Yep we are finishing this race under a safety car. What a joy (epic sarcasm). 16 cars cross the line in the most lame ass way to conclude a race.

*throws computer across the room*

*retrieves computer*

Okay let’s just wrap this thing up and get out of here:

Hamilton wins, Rosberg second and Vettle third. Raikkonen gets the consolation prize of fourth with the Williams bros next in the order of Massa then Bottas. Grosjean manages to claim some points for Lotus and Sauber’s Nasir and Ericsson take out eighth and tenth respectively separated by Ricciardo’s fledgling Red Bull in ninth.

Yawn. Early bed time? I think so. Goodnight y’all, I hope you dream of exciting GPs and excellent scraps and championship battles.

diaz

Alice live blogs the Malaysian GP

Malaysia decided to show up to the party early. Thanks Malaysia! You’re so punctual.

LIGHTS OUT HERE WE GO!

We managed two goddamn laps and now all hell has broken loose. Punctures for everyone. And Ericsson has once again gone and ruined the lives of Kimi Raikkonen fans. Who do you think you are Sauber? Get out of here.

As it turns out Kimi does have some of that karmic force at work. SEE YA LATER MARCUS DON’T LET THE GRAVEL TRAP HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

Safety car is out. It’s like that boring friend of a friend who hangs around way too long.

Vettel’s number one which I’m actually happy about and Massa just beat Rosberg in a scrap. Is this a dream? Nope, it’s Sepang.

Damn Verstappen how’s those overtakes?!

Mercedes being held up by traffic and Ferrari stretching their lead. Basically this race is more exciting than the entire 2014 season.

Epic attempted overtake by Ricciardo which ended up being a great save.

Guys, hey guys? Guys! Get it together okay? I know the track is 60 million degrees but let’s keep it clean.

Woah look at that gap between Seb and the Mercs! I could cartwheel across the track in that gap and I can’t even cartwheel.

Well done Ferrari pit crew for finally providing Raikkonen with a problem free pit stop. Slow clap.

There are so many scraps happening I literally cannot keep up. What I do know is that a McLaren Honda just overtook a Force India and that’s pretty exciting news for Button/Alonso fans.

Iceman update: from puncture to points. Kimi has moved his Ferrari into 7th from 18th. If you don’t think the man is a world champion then you can fight me.

Oh Alonso. They’re bringing his McLaren Honda in. Just as I dared to dream…

A FERRARI JUST OVERTOOK A MERCEDES. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Sebastian Vettel has overtaken Nico Rosberg…just let that sink in.

Honorable mention to Verstappen for getting that move done on Ricciardo (and that’s coming from an Australian).

Ricciardo told to move out of the way of Kvyat which he actually does without issue and then the spirit of Mark Webber kicked in and Kvyat’s Red Bull and Hulkenburg’s Force India get a little too close for comfort and Kvyat spins out which I’m conflicted about.

Iceman update: Kimi is in 3rd. THIRD.

Vettel’s Ferrari is still in the lead and the Mercedes drivers are freaking the fuck out. The gap is about 17.5 seconds. First of all: how do you like them apples Mercedes? Second of all: this kind of reminds me of the Seb/Red Bull domination years… Ah memories.

I don’t know who to cheer for in the Verstappen/Bottas scrap. Both insanely good drivers. Both lovable. Both future world champions? You bet your sweet ass.

My live stream has dropped out. I’m losing my mind. Cue angry and obscene language being thrown Bernie Eccleston’s way for selling TV rights to Foxtel and poor people like me resorting to dodgy live streaming.

OKAY WE’RE BACK!

I’m not going to lie I am so caught up in the front runners I’ve slightly tuned out everyone beyond 6th. I’m sorry guys. I really am but Ferrari could win this thing AND get extra championship points with Kimi holding 4th.

That being said I’m once again making whimpering noises over Button retiring, my mind is blown by even more Verstappen overtakes and I’m loving the Williams bros scraps. Honorable mention to Williams for letting that happen.

Okay this is it! Last lap! Ferrari holding first and fourth and the Mercedes are filling in the gaps with Lewis in second (chucking a hissy fit over team radio. Good stuff) and Nico in third. It’s all good Nico, you’re still getting a trophy.

CHECKERED FLAG!

I’m going to need a minute to process this.

Sebastian Vettel and his Ferrari have secured their spot on top of the podium with the two Mercedes of Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg in second and third respectively. Raikkonen rolls through like a champ in 4th.

From here on in it’s points in pairs. Bottas and Massa from Williams taking 5th and 6th, Torro Rosso, in all honesty killing it, in 7th and 8th with SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD Verstappen and Sain then the Red Bull racers of Kvyat in 9th and Ricciardo in 10th.

Wow. Right, I need a drink and a nap. I’m pretty certain I’ve used up my adrenaline for the year. I’m suddenly beside myself with excitement for this season. Game on!

Final honorable mention to the safety car that I totally dissed early on in the race but proved to be magical.