Alice live blogs the Russian GP.

Well hello there Sochi!

I would make a joke about Soviet Russia or Vladimir Putin but I’m scared of the KGB.

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Rosberg is on pole this evening which is super exciting I guess? Unless Hamilton gets the jump on him and then it’s basically just another one horse race.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: Rosberg holds his lead but has to fight off Hamilton.
Crash at turn two! Hulkenburg spins and Ericsson runs into him.
Raikkonen gets ahead of Bottas AND Vettel.

The safety car is out. As is Hulkenburg and Ericsson.

Verstappen has a puncture, either from contact or debris from the crash.

Lap 3: The safety car is in and we are racing again!
Bottas overtakes Raikkonen.
Nasr overtakes Button.

Lap 5: Oh no Rosberg is saying over team radio that his throttle pedal is sticking or stuck. Shiiiiiiiiiiit.

Lap 6: Raikkonen scraps with Vettel and wins! 🎉

Lap 7: We have Mercedes, Mercedes, Williams, Ferrari, Ferrari, Force India, Red Bull, Red Bull. This is like synchronized driving.

Lap 8: BUGGER Rosberg concedes his lead to Hamilton I assume due to his throttle issues. Yeah, he is straight up fucked. Rosberg pulls into the pits and looks to be retiring. He’s out of the car, out of the race and probably out of the championship.

Lap 9: Now for some good news – Raikkonen is in THIRD! Yaaasss.
Maldonado overtakes Button and there are a total of 17 cars still running in the Russian GP.

Lap 11: Sainz overtakes Button for 11th.

Lap 12: The Red Bull’s are going to lock horns in their ongoing scrap for 6th.

HOLY SHIT MASSIVE CRASH.

It’s Grosjean.  Holy hell that is bad. HE IS OKAY!

Lap 13: Safety car is out and the trail of debris is H U G E.
Grosjean has gotten himself out of the car and seems fine and that’s what matters. Potential red flag ahead.

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16 cars left.

Lap 15: They’re trying to fix the barrier where the Lotus hit with duct tape?!?!?! Seriously? What even is this sport?
Hamilton is complaining AS PER USUAL. Apparently the safety car is going too slow…

Lap 16: Safety car in at the end of this lap!

Lap 17: Screw you Vettel for running Raikkonen off the track.
Raikkonen holds.
FUCK YOU VETTEL YOU STUPID SAUERKRAUT.
takes third from Raikkonen.

Lap 18: Amazing racing between Sainz and Ricciardo for 10th! Wheel to wheel, swapping positions through the corners but Ricciardo emerges triumphant!

Raikkonen may have straight line speed and power issues. #PrayForKimi

Lap 23: Hamilton’s lead is now up to 6 seconds so that is boring as shit. Let us now turn our attention to the Vettel v. Bottas scrap slowly unfolding…

Lap 25: Apparently Button has dobbed in Sainz for crossing the white line at the pit entry or exit. Proving once again that if you can’t beat them, snitch!
Yep, Sainz cops a 5 second penalty.

Lap 27: Bottas pits after mounting pressure from Vettel and rejoins in 11th and into the Formula One equivalent of peak hour traffic.

Crofty and Brundel are talking about front wing design in depth. “They look like Christmas trees” and get disturbed in turbulent air. The conclusion: change is needed but not expected. Pretty good summary of the sport really.

Lap 31: Vettel pits and rejoins the race ahead of Bottas. Slow clap it out for the Ferrari pit crew for getting it DONE.

Lap 32: Raikkonen pits in 2.2 seconds ✔
He rejoins wheel to wheel with Bottas!
Bottas gets ahead through the corner.

Fernando Alonso should get some sort of award at the end of the year for outstanding team radio.

Lap 36: FINN ON FINN ACTION.
BOTTAS V. RAIKKONEN IS NOW IN SESSION.
Through the corners it’s the Iceman, then the other Fin Bottas, then the Iceman again and then the other Fin Bottas takes the position and holds it.

Lap 39: Wooo Kvyat and Massa have a bit of a scrap and whoever is in the Marussia really moved out of the way and somewhat off the track.

Lap 42: If Perez ends up on the podium I might just quit F1.
God I HATE Perez.

Massa overtakes homegrown hero Kvyat for 8th.
Maldonado overtakes Button for 11th.

Lap 45: Bottas finally overtakes Ricciardo, moves into clean air and goes hunting for Perez.
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Lap 46: Raikkonen pulls a move on Ricciardo but carries too much speed and runs wide. I’m going to have an aneurysm by the end of this race I can feel it.

🎶Sainz front left break in on fiiiiiire🎶
He runs off the road, spins then attempts to drive the car back to the pits only to have a chunk of the rear wing fall off the car like “NOPE”.
Aaaaaaaaaand we have yet another yellow flag.

15 cars left.

Lap 48: Raikkonen takes 5th from Ricciardo. Cue suspenseful music for the battle for the podium.

Lap 49: OH NO Ricciardo has stopped! Why? What happened? Now he’s out of the race as well.

14 cars left. What is this the freaking Hunger Games of GPs?

THREE LAPS TO GO.
Perez is still in third. WHY?

TWO LAPS TO GO.
And Perez is STILL. IN. THIRD.

THREE WAY SCRAP BETWEEN PEREZ, BOTTAS & RAIKKONEN.

BOTTAS AND RAIKKONEN GET AHEAD OF PEREZ!

YES-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

oh my god.
oh my god.
oh my god.

Raikkonen made a move to overtake Bottas and instead took him out.

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He just handed Perez the podium.

I hate this sport.

Raikkonen is limping that Ferrari home and over the line in 5th.

I love that man.
He went for it and holy shit did it backfire and BREAK MY FUCKING HEART but he took Bottas out in the process and kept his championship points lead.

That’s some Ayrton Senna/Michael Schumacher style brutal brilliance right there.

Yeah so the race is over and it’s Hamilton first (SHOCKING, I KNOW), Vettel second and god damn Perez third.

I hate this sport.

I love this sport.

I want one of those hats.

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So I think I’ve had at least one aneurysm and three strokes during this race.

Damn Russia, you trying to kill me?

Right, I’m going to make like a Ruski and drown myself in a liter of vodka.

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I’m so done.

спасибо

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Alice live blogs the Singapore GP

Good evening Singapore you beautiful scoundrel!

We have all the ingredients for one hell of a great grand prix:
– Night race ✔
– No Mercedes on pole ✔
– The boy from Aus on the front row ✔
– Ferrari looking strong ✔

So, in the words of RuPaul…

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LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: We are away clean with the exception of poor Verstappen whose car has refused to take part in the GP.  Everyone holds position.

Lap 2: Vettel starts to stretch his lead and Verstappen gets his Toro Rosso restarted and rejoins the race.

Lap 6: Not much to report at this point but for once that’s a good thing!

Crofty and Brundle describing the Singapore GP as a “sweaty, dehydrated pain” which reminds me a lot of Australian summers so I feel for the drivers.

Lap 8: Button is having a massive struggle with his tyres. Dude can’t catch a break.

Lap 10: We have our first pit stop in the form of Grosjean and speculation mounts about Ricciardo attempting an undercut on Vettel. Speculation is 9/10ths of the sport.

Lap 11: Sainz and Alonso having to wait in pit lane traffic and now it’s on for 13th between Alonso and Grosjean with the latter managing to take the position.

Lap 12: According to Hulkenburg degradation of the super soft tyres is kicking in.

Lap 13: We have contact between Massa and Hulkenburg! Massa tried to stay ahead of Hulkenburg, Nico turned in onto Massa and then said hi to the wall. Everyone is okay but Hulkenburg is out of the race. Virtual safety car and err’body hitting the pits.

Lap 14: Jenson “can’t catch a break” Button is utterly screwed with the wheel nut stuck on a wheel (I think?) 40 second pit stop. Ouch.

Lap 15: Virtual safety car still out with Hamilton and Rosberg moving themselves up to 4th and 5th respectively and running their Mercs on the soft tyre. Lots of debris on track and it looks like the legit safety car is out to deal with it.

Lap 17: Verstappen can unlap himself under the safety car.

Lap 18: Safety car in end of this lap and then shit gets real.

Lap 19: We are away clean and racing once more. Sainz car crapping out temporarily but rejoins.

Lap 20: The gaps between the top three is close as battles appear imminent.

Lap 22: DRS has been enabled once more. Tensions mount!

Lap 23: Hulkenburg gets slapped with a penalty for causing the collision with Massa.

Lap 26: Team radio from Hamilton saying he’s lost power and now Rosberg has overtaken him followed by Kvyat then Bottas! WHOA SINGAPORE, just when I thought things were looking a touch dull…

Lap 28: Vettel has put the peddle to the metal and made a break for it.

Lap 30: Massa has also suffered a “neutral” so the conspiracy theories can commence! Apparently metro lines run under the GP circuit and they MAY fuck with the million dollar technology in these cars.
Massa serves a non existant drive through penalty?! He looks to be trying to restart the car as he rolls through the pits? Car appears to be working again? Oh nope, Massa told to retire. He’s out as well 😦

Lap 31: Raikkonen told to give it all he’s got. SISU YOU BEAUTIFUL FINNISH KING!

Lap 32: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid is up into 11th! Get in the points son!

Lap 33: Hamilton is 110% done with this race. Retires. Early night for Lewis #NotSoBlessed

Lap 34: Yet ANOTHER crappy pit stop, this time for Kvyat and Alonso has retired seemly out of absolutely no where?! What the hell?

Lap 35: This shall hence forth be know as the race of “the phantom neutral” as apparently that’s what happened to Alonso as well. Sounds like an Avengers movie.

Lap 36: Verstappen now in 8th and Perez overtakes Grosjean to put himself in 9th.

Lap 37: Safety car deployed and we don’t know why and OH MY GOD THERE IS A PERSON ON THE FUCKING TRACK. THEY ARE JUST WANDERING CASUALLY DOWN THE FUCKING TRACK.

Singapore you need to calm your tits this is beyond mental.

Err’body pits again. Err’body bunched up.

We this race is obviously going to hit the 2 hour time limit and we are not getting the full 61 laps. Rossi wont fucking unlap himself and now we have to restart with him in the goddamn middle of the top 3.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Lap 41: Raikkonen gets past Rossi and FINALLY Rossi moves out of the goddamn way and into the runoff area.
CONTACT! Button and Grosjean touch and Button comes off worse and is forced to pit. Worst race of Button’s career? Probably up there.

Lap 44: DRS enabled again. I’m probably going to be holding my breath for the next 30 minutes.

Lap 45: Scraps ahoy for Grosjean, Verstappen and Sainz for 8th position.

Lap 46: Clean overtake by Verstappen on Grosjean to put himself from stone last to 8th.

Lap 47: Sainz follows suit and overstakes Grosjean. Albeit potentially illegally.  Crofty and Brundle say “Fuck it, let him have it” except in a more dignified, British way.

Commentators think Lap 59 will be the cut off point for this race which leaves us with 8 laps to go.

Lap 53: McLaren have pulled the plug on Button’s race. He may be disappointed but potentially relieved. Properly shit race for the world champion.

Lap 54: Nasr takes 11th from Maldonado

Lap 55: Ericsson follows his teammates lead and overtakes Maldonado as well.

Sweet jesus this is a long race.

Apparently we are going to the full 61 laps.

Lap 60: Nasr puts himself into 10th and into the points.
Oh Verstappen has been told to give the position back to teammate Sainz and the team recieves an emphatic “NO!” from the 17 year old. #TeenAngst

Lap 61: SUPRISE! Another car retires. This time it’s Grosjean.

Vettel wins the Singapore Grand Prix! Followed by Ricciardo and Raikkonen (best podium of the season so far).

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Well that race sure was something. I’m not sure what exactly is was but it was definitely something.

Some race stats from Singapore*:
# of saftey cars: 2
# of virtual saftey cars: 1
# of random people on the track: 1
# of “phantom neutrals”: 1 thousand
# of botched pit stops: 1 million
*statistics may not be entirely accurate.

KIMI PODIUM! WOOP!

Night y’all.
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Alice live blogs the Belgium GP

Good afternoon Belgium! What a beautiful sight Spa is after summer break. Glad all the driver had a nice time relaxing and partying with pop stars while the rest of us have been having withdrawals.

We ought to rename this race “Penalty Central” since err’body (Grosjean, Raikkonen, Verstappen, Alonso and Button) has moved up and down the grid before the race even kicks off.

ALSO: NEW START PROCEDURE! Anybody else hearing Highway to the Danger Zone playing in their head when they think about how this is going to go down?

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Formation lap drama! Wow we are starting early with the complications today. Hulkenburg losing power and told to pit…now being told not to pit. Oh shiiiiiiit. Aborted start.

Jesus now Sainz has lost power! At this rate were going to do this whole race as a formation lap and with, like, 10 cars.

LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO

Lap 1: What the fuck Perez is in SECOND?! Ricciardo third and Bottas fourth ahead of Rosberg?! Damn.

Lap 2: Rosberg takes Bottas and now has Vettel on his rear. Maldonado looks like his race is all over red rover.

Lap 4: Verstappen takes Ericsson and Sainz car totally craps out? Maybe not, maybe he just pulled over to let the others through. Good guy Sainz.

Lap 5: Raikkonen takes Ericsson, continues to fight to hold on to his title of “King of Spa”. Make it happen Kimi.

Ad breaks. What is this, fucking amature hour, Channel 10?

Lap 7: We are back people! Fucking Perez is still in second.

Lap 8: Ricciardo pits early. Begin speculation as to why! Grosjean has overtaken Bottas?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???

Lap 9: Perez pits but comes out in 10th so Ricciardo has managed the undercut.

Lap 10: Bunch of cars pit. Grosjean, Massa and a few other people who’s names I missed. Grosjean overtakes Bottas AGAIN.

Lap 11: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid has balls of steal going around the outside of Blanchimont to overtake Ericsson.

Lap 13: Rosberg comes out of the pits ahead or Perez, gets challenged by Perez but stays in front and holds third. Thank christ.

Lap 14: Hamilton pits and rejoins behind Vettel who now currently leads the Belgium GP.

Lap 15: Vettel pits and I get an ad break. Rude.

Lap 16: Okay someone at Channel 10 is getting fired. There is currently TWO sets of commentary going on right now during the broadcast and it sounds like the most jumbled piece of Satan speak I’ve ever heard. I think they’re trying to tell me that Bottas has served his drive through penalty for having mix-n-match tires put on his car during his latest pit stop but honestly they could be telling me about the weather in Azerbaijan. What a clusterfuck. This is what happens when you don’t pay Crofty and Brundle to do your commentary.

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Lap 19: Rant over. Satan has gone home and we are back. Battle for 7th consists of Kvyat, Massa and Raikkonen.

Lap 20: Grosjean overtakes Perez and neither of them crash into the other which is both surprising and disappointing.

Lap 21: NO GOD WHY Ricciardo’s Red Bull has given up entirely. Total failure in every sense. Virtual safety car deployed. So too are the ad breaks.

Lap 23: Apparently the virtual safety car is in and the clouds are gathering.

Lap 29: The most interesting thing that’s happened in the last six laps in that Kvyat has overtaken Bottas to take 9th.

Lap 31: Hamilton pits, drops to 2nd. Rosberg to pit at the end of the lap anyway.

Lap 32: Rosberg drops back into 2nd after his pit stop and Nasr over takes Alonso, takes 12th.

Lap 35: Sainz Toro Rosso has officially crapped out for reals this time. 16 cars left in the Belgium GP.

Lap 37: Kvyat overtakes Raikkonen to steal 7th and hunts down Massa and Perez ahead.

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Lap 39: Kvyat is hot on Massa’s heals and Grosjean is going to have a go at Vettel. Verstappen overtakes Bottas.

Lap 40: Ever so slightly messy overtake by Kvyat on Massa but hey, he gets the job done and takes 6th.

Lap 41: Clean as fuck overtake by Kvyat on Perez to move himself up into 5th.

WOAH GOODBYE TIRE on Vettel’s Ferarri! Spontaneous combustion. Gonna call that as a fuck up by Ferrari only this time for Seb instead of Kimi (for once). THANKS FOR HANDING GROSJEAN THE PODIUM GUYS. They left Vettel out on those tires for a lap too long.

Last lap and Verstappen tries to pull a move on Raikkonen but screws it up, goes sideways and loses the place. Eat it.

Yeah cool checkered flag and SURPRISE SURPRISE Hamilton wins followed by Mercedes lesser loved child Rosberg and then bloody Grosjean is on the podium in third.

Honorable mention goes to Raikkonen because he’s the king of Spa and he made up 10 places whilst getting next to no love from the commentators.

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Christ almighty those trophy shields are shiny. They’re basically mirrors with a sea shell in the centre. Hamilton, Rosberg and Grosjean and now inducted into the narcissistic mermaids association with those things.

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I’m so done with you right now Spa, you beautiful bastard.

Alice live blogs the Hungarian GP

Welcome to Hungary pals.

A powerful reminder this evening of what these lads are willing to sacrifice in the name of sport and entertainment as we honour the passing of the beautiful and talented Jules Bianchi.

The difficult task now lies with the boys to put thoughts of Jules out of their minds and focus on the race ahead.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWA-

Nope. Sorry. False start. We’re doing “formation lap: the sequel”.
Apparently Massa’s Williams was out of position and now he’s probably going to be in the naughty corner at some point during the race.

LIGHTS OUT AND for reals this time AWAY WE GO!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS WE HAVE FERRARIS IN THE LEAD!

Vettel in the lead followed by Raikkonen.
VETTEL.
RAIKKONEN.
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

HAMILTON HAS GONE OFF THE TRACK and blames Rosberg as per usual. Awful start by my homeboy Ricciardo unfortunately.

Okay so, I missed a couple of laps out of pure elation but I’m back now.

Lap 7: Vettel still leads from Raikkonen followed by Rosberg. Hulkenberg is holding 5th followed by the two Red Bulls. Perez is in 8th and Massa is now defending 9th from Hamilton who can only manage 10th.

Lap 11: Hamilton has taken 9th from Massa via some bumper car style overtaking. Valiant job by Massa defending the crap out of that place for as long as he could.

Lap 12: Kyvat is pissed about team orders to let Ricciardo through. Red Bull: we like to repeat history.

Lap 13: Hamilton has now managed to get past Perez without incident. For once I would have been happy to see Perez run into someone but alas…

Lap 14: Bottas has been released into traffic and 16th place after his pit stop and now he’s wedged between Maldonado and Ericsson.

Lap 16: These pitstops are a bit of a shit-shambles.

Lap 18: Something has come off Raikkonen’s car. Looks like part of the wing. Commentators think it’s actually the camera mount.

Lap 19: Perez and Maldonado do what they do best and get involved in a bit of a crash. Nothing serious, they rejoin the race.

Lap 21: Rosberg pits. Drama free.

Lap 22: Vettel pits. Drama free. Raikkonen leads.
Ricciardo pits and rejoins in 4th just ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 23: Raikkonen pits. Drama free.

Lap 24: Battle commences between Ricciardo and Hamilton! Ricciardo doing all Australians proud by defending Hamilton like a champion.

Lap 28: Nasr vs Massa for 16th. It’s the battle of the Filipe’s.

Lap 29: Hamilton takes 4th from Ricciardo. God dammit.

Not much to report. This is like the come down from an epic high. Kind of bored, kind of grouchy, waiting for the next hit of excitement…

Lap 37: Rosberg being told to go faster. Apparently he doesn’t get a choice in tyre unless he gets a move along. I can only assume that Rosberg isn’t psyched on this news considering he’s ahead of his teammate but not getting priority treatment.

Lap 40: Nice battle unfolding between Bottas, Hulkenberg and Kvyat. 

Lap 42: Raikkonen thinks he has an issue with his engine. DO NOT BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS FERRARI.

Lap 43: Hulkenberg has a rather large crash into the tyre barrier and the virtual safety car has been deployed. Debris on the track.
Woah the replay shows Hulkenberg’s front wing literally just fell off his Force India.

Safety car is out. FUCK.
Raikkonen has lost his kinetic motor, meaning he can still race but with seriously compromised performance. DOUBLE FUCK.

I have completely covered the entire range of emotions known to human kind throughout this race and we’re only on lap 46. This sport will potentially be the death of me.

Safety car in this lap.

Here we go again…

Vettel holds the lead, Rosberg takes 2nd from Raikkonen. Hamilton hits Ricciardo like a dick. Bottas gets a puncture. Ricciardo in his damaged Red Bull rolls past Raikkonen to take 3rd.

Hamilton has to suck on a drive through penalty for crashing into my homeboy Ricciardo. Sorry not sorry.

Lap 53: KIMI RAIKKONEN, KING OF ALL DRIVERS, PULLS INTO THE PITS, RESTARTS HIS FERRARI AND REJOINS THE RACE BECAUSE KIMI IS THE EMBODIMENT OF SISU.
aaaaaaaaand that noble act didn’t fix shit so I’m going to cry.

Lap 56: Raikkonen has retired. I give up. I am so done.

Lap 58: Vettel, Rosberg and Ricciardo are all in it to win it. I’m cheering for all of them at this point. Mostly Ricciardo. Go you good thing.

Lap 62: Sainz retires from the Hungarian GP.

Lap 64: RICCIARDO AND ROSBERG COLLIDE! Ricciardo damages his front wing and Rosberg has one hell of a puncture.

Holy hell this race is a kaleidoscope of drama. If you meet a Hungarian please shake there hand for me. Most epic race of the season by far.

Vettel crosses the line to win the Hungarian Grand Prix followed by KYVAT AND RICCIARDO. I’m not even mad, I’m simply stunned.

Seriously, what the hell just happened…

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You know what, I think Jules would have loved that kind of race and just maybe he blessed us with one hell of a show.

Alice live blogs the British GP

Good evening chaps and welcome to Silverstone: Land of cucumber sandwiches and copious amounts of tea.

We’ve already lost Nasr from Sauber which is a shame.

Time to see if Hamilton can be victorious in front of his home crowd.

LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO.

Massa takes the lead!!!
Bottas behind him in second followed by Hamilton and Rosberg.
Hamilton has taken second from Bottas.
Grosjean and Maldonado have made contact. Both out. Catch ya later Lotus.
Button is into the gravel and out of the race. McLaren undoubtedly loving life.
Now the safety car is out.
THAT WAS A HELL OF A FIRST LAP SWEET JESUS!

Alonso has had some damage to his McLaren from the whole first lap debacle and had to get his nose fixed which puts him at the back of the pack.

Safety car in and we are racing again!

Hamilton has gone wide in his Mercedes trying to attack Massa’s Williams and not only lost to Massa but Bottas has slipped his Williams into second and now Mercedes lesser loved son Rosberg is on his tail.
Verstappen has spun out into the gravel trap and is going to have to retire his Toro Rosso.

Lap 5: Force India’s Hulkenberg is in 5th with Ferrari’s Raikkonen in 6th. Vettel has been overtaken by Kvyat on the Red Bull and Perez’s Force India leaving him in 9th followed by Toro Rosso last man standing Sainz.

Lap 8: Hamilton has put in fastest lap and is closing on the Williams while Bottas rides on the tail of his teammate in the fight for 1st.
2.7 seconds between the top four drivers.

Lap 10: Vettel’s Ferrari has overtaken Perez and taken 8th. Apparently the Williams aren’t allowed to race each other. Boo to you Williams. Bottas doesn’t seem to be listening. Good on him, he’s giving it a go and telling his team where to stick it.

Lap 15: Both Ferrari drivers pit and the Mercedes tldo a kind of psych out faux pit stop where the team ran out but no car came in. Tricky.

Lap 17: Ricciardo has radioed his team saying his lost power to his Red Bull. Bugger.
Bottas is looking again to make a move on Massa but can’t quite get that illustrious overtake done.

Lap 19: Apparently it’s raining in Oxford which is 30 miles from Silverstone. That means we’re getting rain! Thank you Crofty and Brundle for that delightful weather report.

Lap 20: Hamilton pits and Mercedes goes for the undercut. He rejoins in 4th. Raikkonen overtakes Ericsson’s Sauber and takes 6th.
Massa pits from the lead. RACES ROSBERG IN THE PIT LANE AND REJOINS IN 3RD. The was properly epic.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Bottas pits. Massa has to concede 1st to Hamilton. Bottas rejoins side by side to Rosberg. Defends against Rosberg in an epic battle to hold 3rd. These guys are not messing around.

Lap 23: Ricciardo has had to retire due to engine problems. 😥

Lap 26: Radio call to Raikkonen, who’s now in 5th, giving him a heads up on the impending rain. Suspense mounts.

It’s been business as usual for the last few laps. For the most part everyone is just waiting for the rain to hit.

Lap 32: Perez has gone wide during his scrap with Sainz for 9th.

Lap 33: Now it looks like Sainz car has gone kaput and I’d say he’s out of the British GP. This race is like the hunger games of formula one.

Virtual safety car has come into play as they move Sainz car. As the virtual safety car ends the rain begins!

Lap 37: The rain has stopped according to Hamilton. If that’s true, I feel cheated.

Lap 38: Bottas seems to be lacking grip in the wet parts of the track and Rosberg runs quite wide behind him.

Lap 39: Vettel overtakes Raikkonen who sneaks straight into the pits onto intermediate tires to deal with the rain.

Lap 40: Rosberg overtakes Bottas to claim 3rd and Hamilton runs wide.

The rain has cleared for the next 5 minutes until the next shower rolls around leaving Raikkonen a bit stuffed on his new intermediate tires.

Lap 41: Rosberg overtakes Massa and now holds 2nd.

Lap 43: Rosberg gains on Hamilton who decides he needs to pit onto intermediate tires giving Rosberg the lead.

Yeah rain! Welcome back.

Lap 44: Every man and his dog is pitting onto intermediates. Rosberg dives in and now they’ve had to stack the Williams in the pit lane.

Lap 45: Vettel is now ahead of Massa in 3rd thanks to the pit stop craziness.

Five laps to go!

Stevens has kissed the barrier with his Marussia but is back on track.

Lap 48: Raikkonen is back in the pits for a new set of intermediates due to a nice fat gap between himself and his rivals.

Final lap! Still a bit of rain hanging around and it looks like Alonso will be scoring his first points of the season!

Hamilton cruises home to win his home grand prix. Rosberg takes second ahead of Vettel. I feel bad for Williams who have to settle for Massa in 4th and Bottas in 5th. Kvyat takes 6th, Hulkenberg 7th, Raikkonen 8th, Perez 9th and go you good thing Alonso in 10th!

Half a donut from Lewis Hamilton in celebration of his win.

Nice work Britain, that was a damn fine race to watch but now I’m off for a cheeky Nandos. 

Alice live blogs the Canadian GP

Holy crap it’s 4 o’clock in the morning right now and I’ve managed to wake myself up for this.

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A warning that I’m currently running on about 3.5 hours sleep so this might not be the most coherent post I’ve ever written. Okie dokie, here goes nothing…

Ahoy Canada! How are we this fine morning? What a potentially exciting race we have ahead of us. Looking forward to seeing some great driving.

AND WE ARE AWAY!

Hamilton has held onto 1st with Rosberg and Raikkonen and Bottas all getting very close to one another but everyone holds their starting places of 2nd, 3rd and 4th respectively.

Lap 2: Force India’s Hulkenberg has jumped up a position to 6th.

Lap 4: Vettel in the Ferrari and Massa in the Williams making some brilliant moves as they overtake and make their way through the back of the field.

Lap 7: Sauber’s Ericsson is not giving up 11th to Massa or Vettel behind him. Defending like a champ and giving us a beautiful little battle.

Lap 8: Vettel surprisingly pits and – ooooh dear it’s S  L  O  W. Something has stuffed up big time. Sucks to be you right now.

Lap 10: Gorgeous long overtaking move between Massa and Ericsson. Both drivers fighting for 11th with Ericsson aggressively defending and brilliant wheel to wheel action. Massa takes the place from the Sauber.

Lap 12: Button’s McLaren has moved up into 18th place after serving his drive through penalty during the early laps of the race and Vettel is running 17th. Verstappen’s Toro Rosso is now in 15th after overtaking Nasr in his Sauber.

Lap 17: Hamilton has extended his lead in the Mercedes to 17 seconds to Rosberg, Bottas looms behind Raikkonen’s Ferrari and Massa is flying up through the places into the top 10.

Lap 20: McLaren’s Alonso has no interest in letting Vettel take 15th and there’s dust flying and contact. Massa takes yet ANOTHER place moving himself into 7th.

Lap 21: Vettel gets the job done on Alonso and nabs 15th.

Lap 22: Hamilton has lapped Button, Vettel has overtaken Verstappen, Maldonado’s Lotus overtakes Ericsson. Much overtaking. Very good viewing. Wow.

Aaaaaand my live stream has dropped out. I am too tired and disorientated to fix this but I need to so I’m going to give it a go….

Okay we are back! Here’s what was missed: Ricciardo pits his Red Bull onto super soft tires. Alonso has finally had enough of the McLaren situation and has gotten (understandably) grumpy over team radio. Apparently his fuel consumption is too high. Despite a total lack of power from the car. Not cool guys.

alonso

Lap 27: Vettel into the top 10 and chasing down Maldonado in 9th. Raikkonen pits, drama free, rejoins in 4th behind Bottas.

Lap 28: Oh jesus Raikkonen is doing donuts through the hairpin. Crap. Lovely spectacle for the fans but utterly shit for Ferrari. Didn’t he do that last year as well? Maybe he does it as a tribute to Tim Horton.

Lap 29: Bottas pits slowly but it doesn’t matter, he rejoins ahead of Raikkonen in 3rd.

Lap 30: Hamilton pits, then Rosberg pits and Vettel has moved into 6th.

Lap 33: Kvyat’s Red Bull overtakes Verstappen to take 10th and Rosberg is chipping away at Hamilton’s lead.

Lap 35: Massa is now in 5th and he hasn’t made a pit stop yet. What a drive!

Lap 36: Vettel pits onto super softs and rejoins in 9th. THERE IS A GROUNDHOG ON THE TRACK! Oh Canada. He’s fine, the little guy made a run for it and got safely out of the way.

ground-hog

Lap 38: Massa has now pitted and needs to make these super soft tires last until the end of the race. He rejoins in 9th just ahead of Kvyat.

Lap 41: Raikkonen pits again (no spinning this time please and thank you) and holds 4th place. Vettel vs. Hulkenberg scrap under way.

Lap 44: Whoa big old mess of an overtake between Vettel and Hulkenberg. Vettel ensures no contact was made but Hulkenberg spins and loses 7th to Vettel and has Massa overtake him at the same time. Insult to injury.

Lap 47: Alonso is out of the Canadian GP. Disappointing really doesn’t cut it as an accurate description of the McLaren situation.

Lap 49: Potential battle royale in the closing stages between the Mercedes drivers? Much talk of Rosberg attacking and saving his breaks for the final laps and Hamilton saving fuel in order to respond.

Lap 50: Surprise pit stop for Lotus! They did not realize that one was happening. So unprepared. Grosjean literally ran into Stevens Marussia’s front wing and gave himself a puncture. What a twat. He’ll be getting a penalty for that move, no doubt. Grosjean is on team radio acting like Stevens hit him…

gwen stephani

Lap 55: Sainz Toro Rosso overtakes Ricciardo’s Red Bull. Touch awkward.

Lap 56: Vettel overtakes Maldonado and claims 5th. Vettel now racing his teammate ahead but the gap is 12 seconds.

Lap 57: Button told to retire his McLaren. Jesus.

Lap 60: Verstappen’s Toro Rosso is all over the back of Ericsson in the battle for 14th.

Lap 62: The lap between Hamilton and Rosberg is 1.8 seconds, then 30 seconds back to Bottas who is 7.8 seconds ahead of Raikkonen. Vettel trails his teammate by 9 seconds. Merhi’s Marussia retires 😦

5 LAPS TO GO!
I seriously doubt that there’s going to be a change to the top 5 runners at this point. The Mercedes battle speculation was LIES!

Nothing much to report here. Hamilton keeps locking up but it’s not making any real difference. He’s also being told to lift and coast to safe fuel for the last lap? It’s in the bag for Hamilton.

Surprise, surprise. Hamilton wins the Canadian GP followed by his team mate Rosberg. Bottas holds 3rd with Raikkonen having to settle for 4th (thanks a bunch Kimi, it’s not like I woke up this stupidly early in the hopes of seeing you on the podium or anything), Vettel does incredibly well to claim 5th. Stunning drive from Massa to take out 6th, Maldonado 7th, Hulkenberg 8th, Kvyat 9th and Grosjean (aka Crashy McSmashy) 10th rounding out the points.

canadagpresults

Okay, thanks Canada for a decent race with some nice action. It was interesting enough to keep me awake for 2 hours and that’s no mean feat.

Now I’m going back to bed…

robincanada

Alice live blogs the Monaco GP

Oh my god we are in Monaco!
This is the crown jewel of the formula one calender. This race is so glamorous I’m drinking champagne to get my buzz on. Classy as f*ck.

Royals! Yachts! One stop strategy! Narrow streets! This is what F1 is all about. BRING IT MONTE CARLO.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!!!!!

Hulkenberg’s Force India is properly smooshed into that barrier. Looks like Alonso may have had a hand in that. Hulkenberg and Massa have had to pit due to first lap damage.

Hamilton leads in his Mercedes (obviously).

Lap 5: Maldonado’s Lotus is suffering break issues and Toro Rosso have told Verstappen to attack.

Lap 6: Verstappen touches the back of Maldonado and damages his front wing but manages a nail biting overtake. Alonso handed a 5 second penalty for causing the collision with Hulkenberg.

Lap 8: Kyvat got the jump on Ricciardo at the start so now it’s gonna be Red Bull v. Red Bull for the next few laps. Maldonado has retired. Again.

AD BREAK. I’ll take this opportunity to mourn the lack of Crofty,  Brundle and Kravitz as Channel 10 apparently can’t afford them. It’s a travesty.

Lap 12: The McLaren don’t actually look too shabby today. Button is holding 9th with Alonso currently in 10th (sans penalty). The Williams are doing shite with Bottas is 13th and Massa in 19th.

Not that much is really happening. Grosjean has pitted his Lotus. Raikkonen has been asked by Ferrari about his tires. Marussia drivers are allowing cars to pass with ease. Monaco is so damn pretty.

Lap 23: Tire and strategy talk! Rosberg’s Mercedes may have 2nd place threatened by Vettel’s Ferrari if he goes for the undercut. Rosberg needs to push for a gap but Vettel won’t allow it. He is keeping it tiiiiiight.

Lap 26: Sainz Toro Rosso is being shown the blue flag to let Hamilton through but he’s either finding it difficult to find the space in which to do that or he’s colour blind.

Lap 28: Raikkonen closes on Ricciardo. Vettel closes on Rosberg.

Lap 29: Kvyat pits from 4th and rejoins in 9th. Raikkonen bears down on Ricciardo’s Red Bull and the pair vie for 4th place.

Lap 30: Disaster for Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid! Major delays getting his rear tire on during his pit stop and he drops out of the points into 13th.

Lap 34: Alonso serves his penalty and doesn’t seems to lose any time which is great news for McLaren as they’re both running in the points with Button 8th and Fernando 9th.

ANOTHER AD BREAK.

Lap 37: Vettel and Ricciardo pit. Kvyat gets ahead of his teammate and retakes 4th.

Lap 38: Rosberg responds to Vettel’s pit. Raikkonen pits. Rosberg holds off Vettel as goes back into 2nd but Raikkonen gets the job done on Ricciardo and takes 5th. Hamilton pits and holds the lead.

Lap 40: Oh jesus Kimi has decided to take a shortcut through the chicane but it doesn’t look like he’ll get a penalty because he didn’t gain an advantage. KEEP IT TOGETHER RAIKKONEN.

Lap 43: Dammit Alonso, you can’t park there. I had such high hopes for you and McLaren but now you’ve gone and ruined it all by going off the track and giving up on life. No one knows more about giving up on life more than an unemployed 25 year old (me) but COME ON. So he’s retired.

GOD DAMMIT AD BREAK.

Lap 46: Verstappen has moved into 12th and is putting pressure on Bottas. Ricciardo is apparently struggling ahead of Perez.

Lap 48: Verstappen has pitted again? ‘Kay. He’s back to 13th now. Not Crofty commentator is talking about Senna. Aw Senna. I hope you’re watching in Formula One heaven.

Again, not much happening right now. It’s Monaco. You can’t expect a whole lot of overtaking.

BEST RAIKKONEN RADIO CHAT. Kimi sounding ultra relaxed and almost jovial whilst cornering wondering about the gap back to Ricciardo. He doesn’t want to get too close to the Sauber back marker but he won’t get the blue flag if he doesn’t close that gap. So much for not talking to drivers in the corners, the man is practically going around a hairpin whilst having a chat.

Lap 58: Damn son! Vettel AND Verstappen overtake backmarker Massa (embarassing) in one swift move of epic proportions! Verstappen now in 11th.

Lap 61: Verstappen tries to tail Vettel through the hairpin to take Grosjean but the Lotus holds 10th. This battle ain’t over.

Lap 64: HOLY SHIT MASSIVE IMPACT BETWEEN VERSTAPPEN AND GROSJEAN. MOTHER OF GOD MAX HAS LOST A WHEEL AND HIT THE BARRIER HARD. He’s okay! Verstappen is talking and getting out of the car and walking away. Christ that was a big crash. Grosjean seems to think this was all Verstappen’s fault (Max did lunge to take the place and clip Romain as a result) and has had a nice swear over team radio.

SAFETY CAR IS OUT. FOR SOME REASON ROSBERG IS FIRST? Hamilton is third due to a pit stop. Vettel second. OH MY GOD I LOVE MONACO SO HARD RIGHT NOW. Lapped cars are coming through to rejoin at the back and it’s an absolute clusterfuck. This is amazing.

Lap 70: Safety car is in and all hell is breaking loose!!! Rosberg is flying. Vettel is defending. Ricciardo is putting pressure on Raikkonen.

Lap 72: Ricciardo has pushed Raikkonen out of 5th in a move that, to quote Kimi, was “not very nice”.

Lap 73: Kvyat obeys team orders and let’s Ricciardo through to take 4th.

Lap 75: Ricciardo is now closing on Hamilton! Oh. My. God. This is the best closing stages of a race since Bahrain.

HAMILTON TEAM RADIO HISSY FIT. DRINK.

Nico Rosberg wins the Monaco Grand Prix! Basically a home race win for him. Props. Vettel second and Hamilton has to settle for third. HA! Kvyat 4th as Ricciardo gives back the place to take 5th. Raikkonen 6th, Perez 7th, Button 8th (Woo! Well done you guys!), Nasr 9th and Sainz 10th rounding out the points.

Lewis Hamilton is the sookiest man in the world right now. He’s actually run into the 3rd place sign out of anger. Oh god his frustration is palpable. Lewis has taken his trophy and his champagne and walked off. He is literally sulking.
Sore looooooooooser.

The podium interviews are phenomenal. Nico is being humble in his happiness. Seb is being diplomatic. Lewis is PISSED but attempting to keep it together. Brundle is rubbing it in. Seb has abandoned diplomacy and is now being a happy little puppy.

NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY TOP THIS RACE. Fuck I love Monaco.