Alice live blogs the Australian GP.

Hot diggity damn it’s race day!

I was going to try and live blog the Australian Grand Prix from trackside but after the absolute shambles that was live blogging qualifying, I thought better of it.

So here’s the race as it happened through the eyes of a champagne laden, totally bias F1 fanatic…

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Vettel and Raikkonen get ahead of Hamilton and Rosberg through turn one. I repeat: Ferrari ahead of Mercedes. THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE.

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Puncture for Magnussen.

Ricciardo’s Red Bull overtakes the Williams of Massa.

Rosberg pits onto softs.
Vettel pits onto super softs.
Raikkonen leads.

Woooooah massive shunt! That’s one hell of a crash. Alonso no, that McLaren is not an acrobatic airplane, it’s a car. Stop. He and Gutierrez of Haas are fine but the race is red flagged.

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photo by Alex Coppel

Well timed champagne break. Always look for the positives folks.

We are restarting under safety car. No change to the running after the safety car comes in but “Mad Max” Verstappen is challenging Ricciardo for 4th.

The only real gripe I have with the Australian GP is that the commentators here on race day are not Crofty, Brundle and Kravitz and it just doesn’t sound right.
  
I STAND CORRECTED.
NOW my main gripe is that Raikkonen’s car is on fire.

KIMI NO! You had this! Hot as fuck apparently with flames coming out of his car and shit. (He’s too hot, hot damn, call the police and the fireman – no but seriously who has an extinguisher?) The Iceman cometh, the Iceman melteth. Except his exit was chill as fuck. Ice cream and a nap for the Finn.

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Stuff up on Vettel’s pitstop. One of the tyres had seperation anxiety wanted to stay on the car.

“Mad Max” Verstappen wants to get past his teammate Sainz and the Renault of Palmer but I don’t think the team will let him? We don’t get team radio at the track so I’m sort of piecing this together from what the commentators are saying. Either way I think he’s pissed.

Sainz locks up with “Mad Max” riding up his arse like a pair of panties.

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Beautiful overtaking manouvers by the two Toro Rosso drivers on Palmer. Some wheel to wheel glory right there.

Hamilton got into second somehow and I think I missed it, so yeah…there’s that. Last time I check Verstappen had been holding him off in 6th like a boss.

Ricciardo again overtakes Massa to take 4th. Much cheering and jubilation from his home crowd.

FIVE LAPS TO GO!

Vettel closing on Hamilton and vying for 2nd place behind Rosberg. Cautious excitement mounting…

The Toro Rosso’s touch. Bit of a spin but nothing disastrous.

Vettel locks up and goes off track. It’s all fucking over red Ferrari rover for second place being handed to Hamilton on a platter. Cautious excitement rapidly dissipating.

Suprise, suprise it’s a Mercedes blitz. Rosberg wins, Hamilton second, Vettel third.

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Well there it is folks. The first race of the season done and dusted! See you back here for the  Bahrain GP in two weeks.

Peace!

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Qualifying live from the Australian GP.

We’re baaaaaaaaaaack!

Coming at you live from the Australian Grand Prix in Melbourne.

It’s cold. It’s windy. The champagne is free. This is either going to kick ass or be a total disaster.

Speaking of which; new qualifying setup! Lucky us we get to be the guinea pigs who test this whole shebang out for the rest of the circuits. You’re welcome.

Basically it’s a knock out system (as far as I can tell). At one point during the quali session the timer of doom starts ticking and every 90 seconds someone get told to fuck off back to the garage.

Let’s begin…

So far, this new method is far more interesting. Almost every car is on the track and some drivers are even having a lil jostle for position! Fun!

Every man and his car is pitting so I think the timer of doom has started ticking.

I can’t tell who’s been booted while watching this whole thing go down live but what I can tell you is that the McLaren dynamic duo of Button and Alonso are not screwing around, they both just popped themselves into the top 5. Now THAT is unexpected!

Right, Q1 has finished and some people didn’t make it. I think Red Bull’s Kvyat was one of them. Lotus Renualt’s new guy Palmer pulled out a miracle at the end. This is much harder to keep on top of live.

Let’s go Q2, let’s go *clap clap*
From what I can tell there’s still a good mix of teams and drivers in this session. Maybe?

Here comes the timer!

The good news is that the cars are louder! The bad news is I can’t hear the commentators are therefore I havn’t a damn clue as to what’s happening. Personally, I don’t care.

Oh JB is in the garage and out of the McLaren. A sad but familiar sight.

Yeah! Homeboy Ricciardo pulls out a fast time in front of a very happy crowd so he should be through to the next round.

Let her rip Q3.

Everyone’s on track and the hot laps begin! Hamilton’s on the top of the leader board looking for pole (zero suprises) and I think Vettel is second.

Nope. Wait. Vettel and Raikkonen are out of the car so it’s a Mercedes shootout for pole. This new quali format did what new F1 rules so frequently do: nothing. It has changed nothing.

Hamilton on pole, Rosberg second and the Ferrari lock out the second row. Revolutionary.

Well there you have it folks. Live and slightly confused from trackside at the Australian Grand Prix.

Bring on race day!

Until tomorrow, for now more champagne.

Alice live blogs the Abu Dhabi GP

Yas Marina,

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We have come to the end of the 2015 season and although I bitch and moan about being up at all hours of the morning to watch this ridiculous sport I’m always depressed when this time of the year rolls around.

Plus I’m pretty hungover right now which is not helping at all.

We already have a world champion so this is just the last hoorah for everyone to go balls out and grab some final points. Here’s hoping it’s a good one!
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LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO ONE LAST TIME!!!

Lap 1: Crash in the first corner between Maldonado and Alonso.
Rosberg holds his lead followed by teammate Hamilton and Raikkonen in third.

Lap 2: Wheel to wheel insanity! Kvyat being pushed wide off the track, Vettel may have made contact with Verstappen, there are cars going three abreast around corners together. This is some good shit!

Lap 3: Maldonado retires as a result of the crash but Alonso has managed to pit.

Lap 4: Kvyat nips through and overtakes Bottas to take 9th.

Lap 6: Ricciardo takes 5th off Hulkenberg, they play a bit of leap frog but he makes it stick.

Lap 8: Pit stops galore for mid field!

Lap 9: Pit stop collision between Bottas and Button! Bottas has lost one half of his front wing and will have to do a lap and come back in because that thing is stuffed. Luckily for Button he’s already pulling into the pit to repair any damage to his car.

Lap 11: Front runners pitting. No crashes. 👍

Lap 12: Bottas receives a 5 second pit stop penalty.
Hamilton rejoins after pitting between Ferrari’s of Vettel in 3rd and Raikkonen in 5th.
Ricciardo gets ahead of Ericsson and goes into full honeybadger mode.

Lap 14: Hamilton overtakes Vettel and takes back 2nd.

Lap 15: Here come the Toro Rosso’s! Sainz overtakes Ericsson for 11th before the Sauber driver pits and Verstappen moves up into 12th.

Lap 16: Vettel yields to Raikkonen who is now running in third thank you Jesus.

Lap 19: Verstappen overtakes his teammate Sainz to move up into 11th, apparently it was a team order.

Lap 20: Maaaaaassive lock up by Verstappen. He basically created his own smoke screen. Instantly regrets it.

Lap 24: Vettel finally pits. Not much else to report at this stage.

Lap 25: Verstappen takes 14th from Ericsson.

Lap 27: Hulkenberg takes 11th from Nasr. Radio message from Alonso which sounds like he wants to retire early. DON’T DO IT FERNANDO, STAY STRONG AND STAY IN THE RACE.

Lap 28: Hamilton is closing in on Rosberg in the fight for the lead.
Crofty and Brundle are promising me an interesting end to the race and I’ll be deeply offended if they’ve lied to me.

Lap 33: Goddammit Ferrari learn how to do fucking pit stops for Raikkonen. A stuck wheel spits Raikkonen out behind Vettel and Alonso, the latter he overtakes quickly.

Lap 36: Raikkonen back in third! Cheers for moving out the way yet again Vettel.

Lap 40: Vettel pits for the final time with typically no bloody issues. Rejoins 6th behind ex teammate Ricciardo.

Lap 41: Hamilton typically decides to question his team, wants to stay out and try to win on old tires. Team tells him to shut the fuck up and pit, which he does.
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Vettel ahead of Ricciardo, chasing Perez who is in 4th.

Lap 43: Lovely overtake by Button on Nasr for 13th. That’s about as much on track action the McLaren driver has had today.

Lap 45: Vettel takes 4th from Perez.

Lap 46: I lied before, hella good action between Button and Verstappen with Button defending like the world champion he is but losing 12th to the young gun.

Lap 48: Massa has overtaken Kvyat to put himself in 8th.

Three laps to go!

Lap 53: Grosjean moves into the points by overtaking Sainz. Goes on the hunt for Kvyat and more points.

Lap 54: Grosjean does the thing and moves up into 9th.

Final lap of the season!

Lap 55: The race looks like it’s in the bag for Rosberg despite vibration with his rear wheel.

Rosberg has won the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix followed by teammate Hamilton and my main man Raikkonen in third! YAS MARINA, YAS.

Vettel fourth, Perez fifth, Ricciardo sixth, Hulkenberg seventh, Massa eighth, Grosjean ninth and Kvyat tenth rounding out the points.

Everyone is doing donuts and it’s fucking rad. They should add donuts into F1 races somehow. 

The formula one gods have smiled upon us all and given us Kimi on the podium to end the season on a high note. Thank you formula one gods, my sleep and sanity sacrifices have appeased you.

Well kids, it has been a wild ride.
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There’s a lot to look forward to next year, mostly the excuse to get drunk and write a formula one blog.

Stay strong over the break and see you back in my hometown in 2016!

Alice live blogs the Mexican GP.

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God help me it is 5:50am on a Monday morning and I am awake and somewhat ready for the Mexican GP.

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Make it worth the early start amigos!

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!!!

Lap 1: Rosberg leads through turn one and holds.
Puncture for Vettel after contact with Ricciardo.

Lap 2: Alonso retires in record time even for him.

Lap 3: Rosberg still leads from Hamilton, followed by Kvyat and Ricciardo then Bottas, Verstappen and Massa then Perez, Sainz and Hulkenburg.

Lap 9: Bottas pits, pulls the trigger of a bunch of other teams pitting and looks to set us up for a two stop race.

For the last eight laps cars have either been pitting or overtaking to get themselves back into race position.

Lap 17: Raikkonen asked to push as Ferrari believe he will be racing Kvyat at the end of the race. Aw yes.

Lap 18: Vettel is having a rough day at work as he spins off the track through the corners.

Lap 20: Sainz has overtaken Perez for 10th which won’t thrill the fans here today.

Lap 23: GOD DAMMIT KIMI WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE CONTACT WITH BOTTAS? GOD DAMMIT BOTTAS DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE OUT MY DRIVER?
I wake up a 5:45am on a goddamn work day to watch this race, get all excited for my man Raikkonen to race for the podium and less than half way through it’s shot to shit. Fucking Finns.

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10 laps of not a whole lot of anything.

Lap 34: Sainz locks up in a big way and goes all the way off the track and across the grass. Rejoins ahead of Perez but Sainz has to let him through to the utter joy of the crowd.

Lap 39: Vettel looks like he’s in second but he’s actually a lapped car so there’s that.

Lap 40: Vettel being shown blue flags to let Hamilton through. Doesn’t want to yield because he’s faster than him. Mate, that’s not how this works.

Lap 47: Rosberg pits? Team radio to Hamilton now confirms that they are in fact going with a different strategy.

Lap 48: Surprise, surprise Hamilton is arguing with the team about having to make the pit stop and was about 1 second away from ignoring the orders to steal (and I literally mean steal) first place from his teammate.

Lap 51: Ricciardo finally sails past Massa through the corners into 5th.
Perez takes 8th from Verstappen.

Oh shit Vettel has crashed and is out of the race. Bad day for Ferrari. Seb and Kimi shall now be referred to as the “Super Smash Bros.” for the sake of this race.

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Safety car!

Lap 58: Safety car in, race restart and shit is gonna get real.
Rosberg holds his lead, Bottas moves on Kvyat and gets himself into 3rd.

Lap 59: Nasr is out of the race due to brake failure. Rosberg and Hamilton slide slightly off track but no change.

Lap 64: Close call to the wall for Maldonado. Narrowly avoided adding another crash to his tally.

Five laps to go!
Hamilton is definitely looking like he is on the charge to challenge Rosberg.

Last lap! Rosberg needs to keep his shit together for two more minutes and he can claim the top step of the podium…

…and Nico Rosberg has done it. The princess is queen for a day. First place ahead of Hamilton followed by Bottas in third.

Kvyat takes 4th, Ricciardo 5th, Massa 6th, Hulkenburg 7th, Perez 8th, Verstappen 9th and Grosjean 10th rounding out the points.

THEY HAVE SOMBREROS! Aw man that’s rad. I want one of those.

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Nice one Mexico, that was nothing if not interesting and I’d say worth the sleep deprivation.

Alice live blogs the American GP.

Yeeeeeehaw! We’re in Austin baby!

The wild, wild wet apparently.
The water logged state as it were.

It has been raining.
A lot.
That’s what I’m getting at here.

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So Rosberg is on pole but if Hamilton wins this one he wins the world championship yet again. I’m not holding my breath for an upset. This is probably in the bag for Lewis Hamilton.

A bit of a shake up in terms of the starting lineup on the grid…

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Lap 1: Mercedes are neck and neck as are the Red Bulls and someone has spun out? I think it’s Massa.
Hamilton leads in a SHOCKING turn of events. Followed by Kvyat and Ricciardo which is a bit different. Rosberg close behind in 4th.

Lap 2: Alonso has a puncture and Bottas needs a new nose. The Saubers give each other a nudge.

Lap 3: Stevens is out of the race. Sainz is storming up the field after starting last, now in 10th.
The Ferrari drivers have both moved up through the grid and have create a Verstappen sandwich.

Brilliant replays of the carnage through the first corner after the start. Massa spun, collected Alonso. Hamilton ran Rosberg off the track. Team spirit is alive and well at Mercedes.

Lap 5: Sainz getting aggressive through the corners on Hulkenberg and takes 9th.
Virtual safety car due to debris here, there and everywhere on the track.

The commentators are super confused about what lap they are watchin on replay. It’s great. Such confusion. Very unsure. Wow.

Lap 7: Bottas is out of the Austin GP. Bye friend.

Lap 8: Safety car is in and Rosberg gets the jump on Ricciardo for 3rd, gets right up Kvyat’s tail, makes the overtake stick and snatches 2nd. Smooth moves.

Lap 9: Wet track bonus – basic as fuck tire cooling system! The top 4 drivers are intentionally driving into the puddles on the edge of the track to bring their tire temperatures down. Genius.

Lap 13: Oh Kvyat tried a grand gesture on Rosberg but runs wide and ends up behind his teammate who then goes all carpe diem and gets ahead of Rosberg and up into 2nd.
Raikkonen is PISSED OFF about something. That’s the closest thing I’ve heard to the Fin yelling over team radio. He’s in 9th behind Verstappen and Sainz.
Lap 14: Sainz will not leave Raikkonen well enough alone in their game of leapfrog. Raikkonen is ahead of him but Sainz is attempting to overtake every chance he gets

Lap 15: Raikkonen and Verstappen engaging in a lovely wheel to wheel dance.

RICCIARDO LEADS THE US GRAND PRIX! What a bloody legend.

Lap 16: Rosberg has decided to give it a red hot go on Hamilton. Can’t make it stick.

Classic fucking Raikkonen team radio.

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Masterclass in sass.

Lap 17: Verstappen is like “ciao bitches” and overtakes Vettel to steal 6th but totally over cooks it and loses the place.
Lap 18: WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW WITH ROSBERG AND HAMILTON?! Battle royal between the two Mercs with Rosberg emerging victorious. Hamilton pits. Now that’s racing!

Lap 20: Hamilton is now in 4th due to some well timed pit stops by Red Bull.
Raikkonen is beached in the gravel.
Raikkonen is free of the gravel!
Forgets that this is Formula One, assumes it’s a rally and literally wiggles his way out of the barrier.
Rejoins the race.

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Lap 22: Vettel is now in 5th and closing. Rosberg sails past Ricciardo to lead the Austin GP.

Lap 24: Woop there it is. Vettel takes 4th from Kvyat.
Massa has to retire and Williams are outta here.

Lap 26: Rosberg is putting in fastest lap after fastest lap after fastest lap. Obviously sick to the teeth of always being a princess and never the queen.
Hamilton overtakes Ricciardo to claim 2nd.
My main man Raikkonen has been told to retire due to overheating breaks. Valiant effort you beautiful Finnish bastard.

Lap 27: Ericsson’s car has gone kaput on the side of the road. Safety car deployed coz he can’t do shit with no power and needs to get a tow.

Lap 32: There is a big ol’ bunch of cars up behind the safety car as we go racing again!
Vettel is now 4th and goes through the corners next to Ricciardo, tries for 3rd but can’t hold it.

Lap 34: Vettel swoops on Ricciardo again and makes it stick this time.
Verstappen is the Toro Rosso amongst the Red Bulls as he sneaks through to 5th and Hulkenberg manages 6th ahead of Kvyat.

Lap 35: Verstappen has gone past Ricciardo who now has Hulkenberg for company in a scrap for 5th.

Lap 36: Hulkenberg and Ricciardo collide and the Force India comes off worse and is undoubtedly out of the race.

Lap 37: Ricciardo definitely has damage to his car and appears to be losing places as he attempts to continue.

Lap 38: And now for something completely different – Virtual Safety Car!

Lap 39: Safety car ends, racing resumes.

Lap 40: Alonso has overtaken someone and is now in 6th!!! Behind teammate Button who is in 5th!!!!!
Ahead is Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid in 4th, Rosberg in 3rd Vettel in 2nd and Hamilton leading once again.

Lap 42: We are back to having a Mercedes 1-2 as Rosberg overtakes Vettel.

Lap 43: Oh crap that is a big shunt for Kvyat who is a-okay but out of the Grand Prix.

Safety car.
Drink.

Lap 44: Vettel pits after much speculation that he would go to the end on his previous set of tires but that theory is shot to shit and he rejoins in 4th behind Verstappen.
Hamilton also pits which gives Rosberg the lead.

Lap 47: We are racing yet again with 10 laps to go.
Rosberg nails the restart and keeps his lead.
Scrap, scrap, scrappy between Verstappen and Vettel with the Ferrari succeeding and moving back up into 3rd.

Lap 48: Alonso is in 5th!!!!!
The lead has gone to Hamilton as Rosberg does a slips ‘n’ slide off the track. Don’t go handing world championships to your teammate!

Lap 50: Button just overtook two cars in one go? Then overtook his teammate? WHAT IS THIS GLORIOUS DISPLAY OF  RACING I SEE?

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Lap 52: Balls. Alonso over team radio saying he has lost power. Told to stay out as he is still in the points to which Alonso replies “Okay, but if we’re not in the points I come in” GIVE THE MAN A MEDAL FOR HIS TEAM RADIO THIS YEAR it’s priceless.

Lap 54: Sainz gets ahead of Button to gain 6th but may have a 10 second penalty from earlier.

Lap 55: Not one to count my chickens before they hatch but this looks like it’s all over red rover as Hamilton is within reach of the drivers world championship for 2015. Imagine if he fucked it up? A girl can dream.

Lap 56: Vettel is NOT giving up on trying to steal 2nd from Rosberg but can’t get the job done as Hamilton crosses the line to be crowned the winner of winners with his teammate Rosberg winding up playing second fiddle once more.

Here’s how we ended the Austin GP…

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For reals though, big ups to Lewis Hamilton on his third championship title. That is no mean feat and he has some serious talent behind the wheel.

However, NICO ROSBERG IS THE ANGRIEST MAN IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. Not a smile is to be seen within a mile of that man’s face. My money is on Nico getting shitfaced tonight and potentially punching someone or something in the face. Just sayin’.

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Well that’s it for the U S of A and kind of for the season in a way but I’ll be back for the south of the boarder special down Mexico way.

Night y’all!

Alice live blogs the Russian GP.

Well hello there Sochi!

I would make a joke about Soviet Russia or Vladimir Putin but I’m scared of the KGB.

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Rosberg is on pole this evening which is super exciting I guess? Unless Hamilton gets the jump on him and then it’s basically just another one horse race.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: Rosberg holds his lead but has to fight off Hamilton.
Crash at turn two! Hulkenburg spins and Ericsson runs into him.
Raikkonen gets ahead of Bottas AND Vettel.

The safety car is out. As is Hulkenburg and Ericsson.

Verstappen has a puncture, either from contact or debris from the crash.

Lap 3: The safety car is in and we are racing again!
Bottas overtakes Raikkonen.
Nasr overtakes Button.

Lap 5: Oh no Rosberg is saying over team radio that his throttle pedal is sticking or stuck. Shiiiiiiiiiiit.

Lap 6: Raikkonen scraps with Vettel and wins! 🎉

Lap 7: We have Mercedes, Mercedes, Williams, Ferrari, Ferrari, Force India, Red Bull, Red Bull. This is like synchronized driving.

Lap 8: BUGGER Rosberg concedes his lead to Hamilton I assume due to his throttle issues. Yeah, he is straight up fucked. Rosberg pulls into the pits and looks to be retiring. He’s out of the car, out of the race and probably out of the championship.

Lap 9: Now for some good news – Raikkonen is in THIRD! Yaaasss.
Maldonado overtakes Button and there are a total of 17 cars still running in the Russian GP.

Lap 11: Sainz overtakes Button for 11th.

Lap 12: The Red Bull’s are going to lock horns in their ongoing scrap for 6th.

HOLY SHIT MASSIVE CRASH.

It’s Grosjean.  Holy hell that is bad. HE IS OKAY!

Lap 13: Safety car is out and the trail of debris is H U G E.
Grosjean has gotten himself out of the car and seems fine and that’s what matters. Potential red flag ahead.

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16 cars left.

Lap 15: They’re trying to fix the barrier where the Lotus hit with duct tape?!?!?! Seriously? What even is this sport?
Hamilton is complaining AS PER USUAL. Apparently the safety car is going too slow…

Lap 16: Safety car in at the end of this lap!

Lap 17: Screw you Vettel for running Raikkonen off the track.
Raikkonen holds.
FUCK YOU VETTEL YOU STUPID SAUERKRAUT.
takes third from Raikkonen.

Lap 18: Amazing racing between Sainz and Ricciardo for 10th! Wheel to wheel, swapping positions through the corners but Ricciardo emerges triumphant!

Raikkonen may have straight line speed and power issues. #PrayForKimi

Lap 23: Hamilton’s lead is now up to 6 seconds so that is boring as shit. Let us now turn our attention to the Vettel v. Bottas scrap slowly unfolding…

Lap 25: Apparently Button has dobbed in Sainz for crossing the white line at the pit entry or exit. Proving once again that if you can’t beat them, snitch!
Yep, Sainz cops a 5 second penalty.

Lap 27: Bottas pits after mounting pressure from Vettel and rejoins in 11th and into the Formula One equivalent of peak hour traffic.

Crofty and Brundel are talking about front wing design in depth. “They look like Christmas trees” and get disturbed in turbulent air. The conclusion: change is needed but not expected. Pretty good summary of the sport really.

Lap 31: Vettel pits and rejoins the race ahead of Bottas. Slow clap it out for the Ferrari pit crew for getting it DONE.

Lap 32: Raikkonen pits in 2.2 seconds ✔
He rejoins wheel to wheel with Bottas!
Bottas gets ahead through the corner.

Fernando Alonso should get some sort of award at the end of the year for outstanding team radio.

Lap 36: FINN ON FINN ACTION.
BOTTAS V. RAIKKONEN IS NOW IN SESSION.
Through the corners it’s the Iceman, then the other Fin Bottas, then the Iceman again and then the other Fin Bottas takes the position and holds it.

Lap 39: Wooo Kvyat and Massa have a bit of a scrap and whoever is in the Marussia really moved out of the way and somewhat off the track.

Lap 42: If Perez ends up on the podium I might just quit F1.
God I HATE Perez.

Massa overtakes homegrown hero Kvyat for 8th.
Maldonado overtakes Button for 11th.

Lap 45: Bottas finally overtakes Ricciardo, moves into clean air and goes hunting for Perez.
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Lap 46: Raikkonen pulls a move on Ricciardo but carries too much speed and runs wide. I’m going to have an aneurysm by the end of this race I can feel it.

🎶Sainz front left break in on fiiiiiire🎶
He runs off the road, spins then attempts to drive the car back to the pits only to have a chunk of the rear wing fall off the car like “NOPE”.
Aaaaaaaaaand we have yet another yellow flag.

15 cars left.

Lap 48: Raikkonen takes 5th from Ricciardo. Cue suspenseful music for the battle for the podium.

Lap 49: OH NO Ricciardo has stopped! Why? What happened? Now he’s out of the race as well.

14 cars left. What is this the freaking Hunger Games of GPs?

THREE LAPS TO GO.
Perez is still in third. WHY?

TWO LAPS TO GO.
And Perez is STILL. IN. THIRD.

THREE WAY SCRAP BETWEEN PEREZ, BOTTAS & RAIKKONEN.

BOTTAS AND RAIKKONEN GET AHEAD OF PEREZ!

YES-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

oh my god.
oh my god.
oh my god.

Raikkonen made a move to overtake Bottas and instead took him out.

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He just handed Perez the podium.

I hate this sport.

Raikkonen is limping that Ferrari home and over the line in 5th.

I love that man.
He went for it and holy shit did it backfire and BREAK MY FUCKING HEART but he took Bottas out in the process and kept his championship points lead.

That’s some Ayrton Senna/Michael Schumacher style brutal brilliance right there.

Yeah so the race is over and it’s Hamilton first (SHOCKING, I KNOW), Vettel second and god damn Perez third.

I hate this sport.

I love this sport.

I want one of those hats.

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So I think I’ve had at least one aneurysm and three strokes during this race.

Damn Russia, you trying to kill me?

Right, I’m going to make like a Ruski and drown myself in a liter of vodka.

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I’m so done.

спасибо

Alice live blogs the Singapore GP

Good evening Singapore you beautiful scoundrel!

We have all the ingredients for one hell of a great grand prix:
– Night race ✔
– No Mercedes on pole ✔
– The boy from Aus on the front row ✔
– Ferrari looking strong ✔

So, in the words of RuPaul…

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LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: We are away clean with the exception of poor Verstappen whose car has refused to take part in the GP.  Everyone holds position.

Lap 2: Vettel starts to stretch his lead and Verstappen gets his Toro Rosso restarted and rejoins the race.

Lap 6: Not much to report at this point but for once that’s a good thing!

Crofty and Brundle describing the Singapore GP as a “sweaty, dehydrated pain” which reminds me a lot of Australian summers so I feel for the drivers.

Lap 8: Button is having a massive struggle with his tyres. Dude can’t catch a break.

Lap 10: We have our first pit stop in the form of Grosjean and speculation mounts about Ricciardo attempting an undercut on Vettel. Speculation is 9/10ths of the sport.

Lap 11: Sainz and Alonso having to wait in pit lane traffic and now it’s on for 13th between Alonso and Grosjean with the latter managing to take the position.

Lap 12: According to Hulkenburg degradation of the super soft tyres is kicking in.

Lap 13: We have contact between Massa and Hulkenburg! Massa tried to stay ahead of Hulkenburg, Nico turned in onto Massa and then said hi to the wall. Everyone is okay but Hulkenburg is out of the race. Virtual safety car and err’body hitting the pits.

Lap 14: Jenson “can’t catch a break” Button is utterly screwed with the wheel nut stuck on a wheel (I think?) 40 second pit stop. Ouch.

Lap 15: Virtual safety car still out with Hamilton and Rosberg moving themselves up to 4th and 5th respectively and running their Mercs on the soft tyre. Lots of debris on track and it looks like the legit safety car is out to deal with it.

Lap 17: Verstappen can unlap himself under the safety car.

Lap 18: Safety car in end of this lap and then shit gets real.

Lap 19: We are away clean and racing once more. Sainz car crapping out temporarily but rejoins.

Lap 20: The gaps between the top three is close as battles appear imminent.

Lap 22: DRS has been enabled once more. Tensions mount!

Lap 23: Hulkenburg gets slapped with a penalty for causing the collision with Massa.

Lap 26: Team radio from Hamilton saying he’s lost power and now Rosberg has overtaken him followed by Kvyat then Bottas! WHOA SINGAPORE, just when I thought things were looking a touch dull…

Lap 28: Vettel has put the peddle to the metal and made a break for it.

Lap 30: Massa has also suffered a “neutral” so the conspiracy theories can commence! Apparently metro lines run under the GP circuit and they MAY fuck with the million dollar technology in these cars.
Massa serves a non existant drive through penalty?! He looks to be trying to restart the car as he rolls through the pits? Car appears to be working again? Oh nope, Massa told to retire. He’s out as well 😦

Lap 31: Raikkonen told to give it all he’s got. SISU YOU BEAUTIFUL FINNISH KING!

Lap 32: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid is up into 11th! Get in the points son!

Lap 33: Hamilton is 110% done with this race. Retires. Early night for Lewis #NotSoBlessed

Lap 34: Yet ANOTHER crappy pit stop, this time for Kvyat and Alonso has retired seemly out of absolutely no where?! What the hell?

Lap 35: This shall hence forth be know as the race of “the phantom neutral” as apparently that’s what happened to Alonso as well. Sounds like an Avengers movie.

Lap 36: Verstappen now in 8th and Perez overtakes Grosjean to put himself in 9th.

Lap 37: Safety car deployed and we don’t know why and OH MY GOD THERE IS A PERSON ON THE FUCKING TRACK. THEY ARE JUST WANDERING CASUALLY DOWN THE FUCKING TRACK.

Singapore you need to calm your tits this is beyond mental.

Err’body pits again. Err’body bunched up.

We this race is obviously going to hit the 2 hour time limit and we are not getting the full 61 laps. Rossi wont fucking unlap himself and now we have to restart with him in the goddamn middle of the top 3.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Lap 41: Raikkonen gets past Rossi and FINALLY Rossi moves out of the goddamn way and into the runoff area.
CONTACT! Button and Grosjean touch and Button comes off worse and is forced to pit. Worst race of Button’s career? Probably up there.

Lap 44: DRS enabled again. I’m probably going to be holding my breath for the next 30 minutes.

Lap 45: Scraps ahoy for Grosjean, Verstappen and Sainz for 8th position.

Lap 46: Clean overtake by Verstappen on Grosjean to put himself from stone last to 8th.

Lap 47: Sainz follows suit and overstakes Grosjean. Albeit potentially illegally.  Crofty and Brundle say “Fuck it, let him have it” except in a more dignified, British way.

Commentators think Lap 59 will be the cut off point for this race which leaves us with 8 laps to go.

Lap 53: McLaren have pulled the plug on Button’s race. He may be disappointed but potentially relieved. Properly shit race for the world champion.

Lap 54: Nasr takes 11th from Maldonado

Lap 55: Ericsson follows his teammates lead and overtakes Maldonado as well.

Sweet jesus this is a long race.

Apparently we are going to the full 61 laps.

Lap 60: Nasr puts himself into 10th and into the points.
Oh Verstappen has been told to give the position back to teammate Sainz and the team recieves an emphatic “NO!” from the 17 year old. #TeenAngst

Lap 61: SUPRISE! Another car retires. This time it’s Grosjean.

Vettel wins the Singapore Grand Prix! Followed by Ricciardo and Raikkonen (best podium of the season so far).

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Well that race sure was something. I’m not sure what exactly is was but it was definitely something.

Some race stats from Singapore*:
# of saftey cars: 2
# of virtual saftey cars: 1
# of random people on the track: 1
# of “phantom neutrals”: 1 thousand
# of botched pit stops: 1 million
*statistics may not be entirely accurate.

KIMI PODIUM! WOOP!

Night y’all.
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