Alice live blogs the Japanese GP.

Good afternoon Suzuka!

I love this race because it’s on in the afternoon here and because it’s technical and usually pretty thrilling.
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Rosberg is on pole but not feeling 100% and Kvyat is okay after doing a flip in quali.

Shout out to the Japanese fans for their AMAZING hats, banners and general support of the sport. You legends.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: Hamilton has taken the lead, Ricciardo and Massa touch. Perez is off the track. Vettel and Bottas overtake Rosberg to put him in 4th followed by Raikkonen.

Lap 2: Puncture town! Massa and Ricciardo both with a blown tire after their contact. Limping into the pits. Perez also with a puncture.

Lap 4: Alonso in the points defending 9th from Sainz but loses the scrap.

Lap 6: Rosberg on the hunt for Bottas and 3rd place.

The McLaren drivers are officially over it. They’re being overtaken left, right and centre and Alonso for one has called it “embarrassing” over team radio. We may lose two world champions out of the sport at the end of this year and that would be a travesty.

Lap 9: Verstappen playing the long game against Nasr trying to take 12th.

Lap 11: Lots of pit stops starting to happen. Those who have pitted we assume are on a three stop strategy. Replay of Ericsson going off the track but he rejoins and it’s all good.

Lap 12: Bottas pits and it looks like this might be a strategy by Williams to attempt to undercut Rosberg! Draaama.

Lap 13: Hulkenberg overtakes Ericsson for 7th.

Lap 14: Vettel pits in 2.2 seconds like damn.

Lap 15: Raikkonen pits, rejoins in 5th. Rosberg told to pit this lap.

Lap 16: Hamilton told to pit this lap. Alonso, Kvyat and Verstappen all battling it out for 11th, 12th and 13th respectively. Currently the most interesting thing happening on track.

Lap 17: Rosberg now hot on the heels of Bottas. Told to “push to attack Bottas to destroy his tires”. That’s brutal.
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Lap 18: Well it may have been brutal but it worked and now Rosberg takes 3rd place.
Kvyat can’t use the overtake button due to reliability issues. I wish I had an overtake button when I’m stuck behind slow walking people hogging the sidewalk.

Lap 21: Verstappen looking very close to Kvyat. Kvyat does the work for Verstappen and pits. Raikkonen now on the tail of Bottas. FIN ON FIN ACTION AHOY!

Lap 23: Alonso defends from Verstappen. Button defends from Ericsson.

Lap 24: Perez overtakes Nasr, takes 14th.
Vettel maintains a 2 second gap ahead of Rosberg.
Replay of Kvyat indulging in some off roading which he really needs to stop doing.

Lap 26: The long game pays off for Verstappen as he overtakes Alonso to claim 10th and get in the points.

Lap 27: We just heard Alonso crack over team radio. Claims that his engine is of “GP 2” standard. He mad.

Lap 28: Raikkonen now playing the long game on Bottas. Long ass pitstop for Sainz as he gets his nose changed – debris on the track from whatever Sainz clipped.

Lap 29: Raikkonen pits and rejoins in 8th, probably looking to go to the end of race on these tires.

Lap 30: Bottas pits but the undercut by Ferrari has worked and Raikkonen gets ahead!
Rosberg pits.

Lap 31: Rosberg has undercut Vettel by pitting early. Vettel pits but rejoins behind the Mercedes in 3rd.

Not much to report. I may have missed a few things because I nipped off to make myself a cup of coffee which gives you an idea of the thrill factor I’m currently experiencing during this race.
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Lap 40: Big scrap for 12th going on between Ericsson, Perez, Button and Kvyat. Kvyat moves up into 14th ahead of Button.

Lap 42: Vettel closes in on Rosberg #PrepareForBattle more like #PrayForBattle

Replay of a big old spin by Stevens in his Marussia. 🎶 Smooooke on the traaaaaack 🎶

Lap 45: Verstappen overtakes teammate Sainz to grab 9th place.

Lap 48: Cars continue to drive around the track at high speed. Here’s the race in emoji form: 🚘🔃🏁

Lap 51: Kvyat overtakes Ericsson, takes 13th and sandwiches him between the two Red Bull drivers.

Lap 52: Nasr has retired? Not sure why though.

So we are on to the final lap and unless something catastrophic happens Hamilton is going to win the Japanese Grand Prix followed by bridesmaid teammate Rosberg then the two Ferarri’s of Vettel and Raikkonen.

Yep, that’s exactly what has happened.

More interestingly Bottas takes 5th, Hulkenberg 6th, the Lotus’ of Grosjean and Maldonado not crashing (there’s a shock) and taking 7th and 8th respectively and the two Toro Rosso’s of Verstappen in 9th and Sainz in 10th. 

Well that race was…okay I guess? Not particularly interesting up front but an honorable mention to the midfield for some sweet scraps and a bit of wheel to wheel action.

Personally I’m looking forward to hearing from Alonso post race because he is PISSED and I love paddock drama.
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See you next time in Russia!

Alice live blogs the Singapore GP

Good evening Singapore you beautiful scoundrel!

We have all the ingredients for one hell of a great grand prix:
– Night race ✔
– No Mercedes on pole ✔
– The boy from Aus on the front row ✔
– Ferrari looking strong ✔

So, in the words of RuPaul…

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LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: We are away clean with the exception of poor Verstappen whose car has refused to take part in the GP.  Everyone holds position.

Lap 2: Vettel starts to stretch his lead and Verstappen gets his Toro Rosso restarted and rejoins the race.

Lap 6: Not much to report at this point but for once that’s a good thing!

Crofty and Brundle describing the Singapore GP as a “sweaty, dehydrated pain” which reminds me a lot of Australian summers so I feel for the drivers.

Lap 8: Button is having a massive struggle with his tyres. Dude can’t catch a break.

Lap 10: We have our first pit stop in the form of Grosjean and speculation mounts about Ricciardo attempting an undercut on Vettel. Speculation is 9/10ths of the sport.

Lap 11: Sainz and Alonso having to wait in pit lane traffic and now it’s on for 13th between Alonso and Grosjean with the latter managing to take the position.

Lap 12: According to Hulkenburg degradation of the super soft tyres is kicking in.

Lap 13: We have contact between Massa and Hulkenburg! Massa tried to stay ahead of Hulkenburg, Nico turned in onto Massa and then said hi to the wall. Everyone is okay but Hulkenburg is out of the race. Virtual safety car and err’body hitting the pits.

Lap 14: Jenson “can’t catch a break” Button is utterly screwed with the wheel nut stuck on a wheel (I think?) 40 second pit stop. Ouch.

Lap 15: Virtual safety car still out with Hamilton and Rosberg moving themselves up to 4th and 5th respectively and running their Mercs on the soft tyre. Lots of debris on track and it looks like the legit safety car is out to deal with it.

Lap 17: Verstappen can unlap himself under the safety car.

Lap 18: Safety car in end of this lap and then shit gets real.

Lap 19: We are away clean and racing once more. Sainz car crapping out temporarily but rejoins.

Lap 20: The gaps between the top three is close as battles appear imminent.

Lap 22: DRS has been enabled once more. Tensions mount!

Lap 23: Hulkenburg gets slapped with a penalty for causing the collision with Massa.

Lap 26: Team radio from Hamilton saying he’s lost power and now Rosberg has overtaken him followed by Kvyat then Bottas! WHOA SINGAPORE, just when I thought things were looking a touch dull…

Lap 28: Vettel has put the peddle to the metal and made a break for it.

Lap 30: Massa has also suffered a “neutral” so the conspiracy theories can commence! Apparently metro lines run under the GP circuit and they MAY fuck with the million dollar technology in these cars.
Massa serves a non existant drive through penalty?! He looks to be trying to restart the car as he rolls through the pits? Car appears to be working again? Oh nope, Massa told to retire. He’s out as well 😦

Lap 31: Raikkonen told to give it all he’s got. SISU YOU BEAUTIFUL FINNISH KING!

Lap 32: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid is up into 11th! Get in the points son!

Lap 33: Hamilton is 110% done with this race. Retires. Early night for Lewis #NotSoBlessed

Lap 34: Yet ANOTHER crappy pit stop, this time for Kvyat and Alonso has retired seemly out of absolutely no where?! What the hell?

Lap 35: This shall hence forth be know as the race of “the phantom neutral” as apparently that’s what happened to Alonso as well. Sounds like an Avengers movie.

Lap 36: Verstappen now in 8th and Perez overtakes Grosjean to put himself in 9th.

Lap 37: Safety car deployed and we don’t know why and OH MY GOD THERE IS A PERSON ON THE FUCKING TRACK. THEY ARE JUST WANDERING CASUALLY DOWN THE FUCKING TRACK.

Singapore you need to calm your tits this is beyond mental.

Err’body pits again. Err’body bunched up.

We this race is obviously going to hit the 2 hour time limit and we are not getting the full 61 laps. Rossi wont fucking unlap himself and now we have to restart with him in the goddamn middle of the top 3.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Lap 41: Raikkonen gets past Rossi and FINALLY Rossi moves out of the goddamn way and into the runoff area.
CONTACT! Button and Grosjean touch and Button comes off worse and is forced to pit. Worst race of Button’s career? Probably up there.

Lap 44: DRS enabled again. I’m probably going to be holding my breath for the next 30 minutes.

Lap 45: Scraps ahoy for Grosjean, Verstappen and Sainz for 8th position.

Lap 46: Clean overtake by Verstappen on Grosjean to put himself from stone last to 8th.

Lap 47: Sainz follows suit and overstakes Grosjean. Albeit potentially illegally.  Crofty and Brundle say “Fuck it, let him have it” except in a more dignified, British way.

Commentators think Lap 59 will be the cut off point for this race which leaves us with 8 laps to go.

Lap 53: McLaren have pulled the plug on Button’s race. He may be disappointed but potentially relieved. Properly shit race for the world champion.

Lap 54: Nasr takes 11th from Maldonado

Lap 55: Ericsson follows his teammates lead and overtakes Maldonado as well.

Sweet jesus this is a long race.

Apparently we are going to the full 61 laps.

Lap 60: Nasr puts himself into 10th and into the points.
Oh Verstappen has been told to give the position back to teammate Sainz and the team recieves an emphatic “NO!” from the 17 year old. #TeenAngst

Lap 61: SUPRISE! Another car retires. This time it’s Grosjean.

Vettel wins the Singapore Grand Prix! Followed by Ricciardo and Raikkonen (best podium of the season so far).

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Well that race sure was something. I’m not sure what exactly is was but it was definitely something.

Some race stats from Singapore*:
# of saftey cars: 2
# of virtual saftey cars: 1
# of random people on the track: 1
# of “phantom neutrals”: 1 thousand
# of botched pit stops: 1 million
*statistics may not be entirely accurate.

KIMI PODIUM! WOOP!

Night y’all.
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Alice live blogs the Belgium GP

Good afternoon Belgium! What a beautiful sight Spa is after summer break. Glad all the driver had a nice time relaxing and partying with pop stars while the rest of us have been having withdrawals.

We ought to rename this race “Penalty Central” since err’body (Grosjean, Raikkonen, Verstappen, Alonso and Button) has moved up and down the grid before the race even kicks off.

ALSO: NEW START PROCEDURE! Anybody else hearing Highway to the Danger Zone playing in their head when they think about how this is going to go down?

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Formation lap drama! Wow we are starting early with the complications today. Hulkenburg losing power and told to pit…now being told not to pit. Oh shiiiiiiit. Aborted start.

Jesus now Sainz has lost power! At this rate were going to do this whole race as a formation lap and with, like, 10 cars.

LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO

Lap 1: What the fuck Perez is in SECOND?! Ricciardo third and Bottas fourth ahead of Rosberg?! Damn.

Lap 2: Rosberg takes Bottas and now has Vettel on his rear. Maldonado looks like his race is all over red rover.

Lap 4: Verstappen takes Ericsson and Sainz car totally craps out? Maybe not, maybe he just pulled over to let the others through. Good guy Sainz.

Lap 5: Raikkonen takes Ericsson, continues to fight to hold on to his title of “King of Spa”. Make it happen Kimi.

Ad breaks. What is this, fucking amature hour, Channel 10?

Lap 7: We are back people! Fucking Perez is still in second.

Lap 8: Ricciardo pits early. Begin speculation as to why! Grosjean has overtaken Bottas?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???

Lap 9: Perez pits but comes out in 10th so Ricciardo has managed the undercut.

Lap 10: Bunch of cars pit. Grosjean, Massa and a few other people who’s names I missed. Grosjean overtakes Bottas AGAIN.

Lap 11: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid has balls of steal going around the outside of Blanchimont to overtake Ericsson.

Lap 13: Rosberg comes out of the pits ahead or Perez, gets challenged by Perez but stays in front and holds third. Thank christ.

Lap 14: Hamilton pits and rejoins behind Vettel who now currently leads the Belgium GP.

Lap 15: Vettel pits and I get an ad break. Rude.

Lap 16: Okay someone at Channel 10 is getting fired. There is currently TWO sets of commentary going on right now during the broadcast and it sounds like the most jumbled piece of Satan speak I’ve ever heard. I think they’re trying to tell me that Bottas has served his drive through penalty for having mix-n-match tires put on his car during his latest pit stop but honestly they could be telling me about the weather in Azerbaijan. What a clusterfuck. This is what happens when you don’t pay Crofty and Brundle to do your commentary.

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Lap 19: Rant over. Satan has gone home and we are back. Battle for 7th consists of Kvyat, Massa and Raikkonen.

Lap 20: Grosjean overtakes Perez and neither of them crash into the other which is both surprising and disappointing.

Lap 21: NO GOD WHY Ricciardo’s Red Bull has given up entirely. Total failure in every sense. Virtual safety car deployed. So too are the ad breaks.

Lap 23: Apparently the virtual safety car is in and the clouds are gathering.

Lap 29: The most interesting thing that’s happened in the last six laps in that Kvyat has overtaken Bottas to take 9th.

Lap 31: Hamilton pits, drops to 2nd. Rosberg to pit at the end of the lap anyway.

Lap 32: Rosberg drops back into 2nd after his pit stop and Nasr over takes Alonso, takes 12th.

Lap 35: Sainz Toro Rosso has officially crapped out for reals this time. 16 cars left in the Belgium GP.

Lap 37: Kvyat overtakes Raikkonen to steal 7th and hunts down Massa and Perez ahead.

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Lap 39: Kvyat is hot on Massa’s heals and Grosjean is going to have a go at Vettel. Verstappen overtakes Bottas.

Lap 40: Ever so slightly messy overtake by Kvyat on Massa but hey, he gets the job done and takes 6th.

Lap 41: Clean as fuck overtake by Kvyat on Perez to move himself up into 5th.

WOAH GOODBYE TIRE on Vettel’s Ferarri! Spontaneous combustion. Gonna call that as a fuck up by Ferrari only this time for Seb instead of Kimi (for once). THANKS FOR HANDING GROSJEAN THE PODIUM GUYS. They left Vettel out on those tires for a lap too long.

Last lap and Verstappen tries to pull a move on Raikkonen but screws it up, goes sideways and loses the place. Eat it.

Yeah cool checkered flag and SURPRISE SURPRISE Hamilton wins followed by Mercedes lesser loved child Rosberg and then bloody Grosjean is on the podium in third.

Honorable mention goes to Raikkonen because he’s the king of Spa and he made up 10 places whilst getting next to no love from the commentators.

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Christ almighty those trophy shields are shiny. They’re basically mirrors with a sea shell in the centre. Hamilton, Rosberg and Grosjean and now inducted into the narcissistic mermaids association with those things.

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I’m so done with you right now Spa, you beautiful bastard.

Alice live blogs the Hungarian GP

Welcome to Hungary pals.

A powerful reminder this evening of what these lads are willing to sacrifice in the name of sport and entertainment as we honour the passing of the beautiful and talented Jules Bianchi.

The difficult task now lies with the boys to put thoughts of Jules out of their minds and focus on the race ahead.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWA-

Nope. Sorry. False start. We’re doing “formation lap: the sequel”.
Apparently Massa’s Williams was out of position and now he’s probably going to be in the naughty corner at some point during the race.

LIGHTS OUT AND for reals this time AWAY WE GO!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS WE HAVE FERRARIS IN THE LEAD!

Vettel in the lead followed by Raikkonen.
VETTEL.
RAIKKONEN.
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

HAMILTON HAS GONE OFF THE TRACK and blames Rosberg as per usual. Awful start by my homeboy Ricciardo unfortunately.

Okay so, I missed a couple of laps out of pure elation but I’m back now.

Lap 7: Vettel still leads from Raikkonen followed by Rosberg. Hulkenberg is holding 5th followed by the two Red Bulls. Perez is in 8th and Massa is now defending 9th from Hamilton who can only manage 10th.

Lap 11: Hamilton has taken 9th from Massa via some bumper car style overtaking. Valiant job by Massa defending the crap out of that place for as long as he could.

Lap 12: Kyvat is pissed about team orders to let Ricciardo through. Red Bull: we like to repeat history.

Lap 13: Hamilton has now managed to get past Perez without incident. For once I would have been happy to see Perez run into someone but alas…

Lap 14: Bottas has been released into traffic and 16th place after his pit stop and now he’s wedged between Maldonado and Ericsson.

Lap 16: These pitstops are a bit of a shit-shambles.

Lap 18: Something has come off Raikkonen’s car. Looks like part of the wing. Commentators think it’s actually the camera mount.

Lap 19: Perez and Maldonado do what they do best and get involved in a bit of a crash. Nothing serious, they rejoin the race.

Lap 21: Rosberg pits. Drama free.

Lap 22: Vettel pits. Drama free. Raikkonen leads.
Ricciardo pits and rejoins in 4th just ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 23: Raikkonen pits. Drama free.

Lap 24: Battle commences between Ricciardo and Hamilton! Ricciardo doing all Australians proud by defending Hamilton like a champion.

Lap 28: Nasr vs Massa for 16th. It’s the battle of the Filipe’s.

Lap 29: Hamilton takes 4th from Ricciardo. God dammit.

Not much to report. This is like the come down from an epic high. Kind of bored, kind of grouchy, waiting for the next hit of excitement…

Lap 37: Rosberg being told to go faster. Apparently he doesn’t get a choice in tyre unless he gets a move along. I can only assume that Rosberg isn’t psyched on this news considering he’s ahead of his teammate but not getting priority treatment.

Lap 40: Nice battle unfolding between Bottas, Hulkenberg and Kvyat. 

Lap 42: Raikkonen thinks he has an issue with his engine. DO NOT BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS FERRARI.

Lap 43: Hulkenberg has a rather large crash into the tyre barrier and the virtual safety car has been deployed. Debris on the track.
Woah the replay shows Hulkenberg’s front wing literally just fell off his Force India.

Safety car is out. FUCK.
Raikkonen has lost his kinetic motor, meaning he can still race but with seriously compromised performance. DOUBLE FUCK.

I have completely covered the entire range of emotions known to human kind throughout this race and we’re only on lap 46. This sport will potentially be the death of me.

Safety car in this lap.

Here we go again…

Vettel holds the lead, Rosberg takes 2nd from Raikkonen. Hamilton hits Ricciardo like a dick. Bottas gets a puncture. Ricciardo in his damaged Red Bull rolls past Raikkonen to take 3rd.

Hamilton has to suck on a drive through penalty for crashing into my homeboy Ricciardo. Sorry not sorry.

Lap 53: KIMI RAIKKONEN, KING OF ALL DRIVERS, PULLS INTO THE PITS, RESTARTS HIS FERRARI AND REJOINS THE RACE BECAUSE KIMI IS THE EMBODIMENT OF SISU.
aaaaaaaaand that noble act didn’t fix shit so I’m going to cry.

Lap 56: Raikkonen has retired. I give up. I am so done.

Lap 58: Vettel, Rosberg and Ricciardo are all in it to win it. I’m cheering for all of them at this point. Mostly Ricciardo. Go you good thing.

Lap 62: Sainz retires from the Hungarian GP.

Lap 64: RICCIARDO AND ROSBERG COLLIDE! Ricciardo damages his front wing and Rosberg has one hell of a puncture.

Holy hell this race is a kaleidoscope of drama. If you meet a Hungarian please shake there hand for me. Most epic race of the season by far.

Vettel crosses the line to win the Hungarian Grand Prix followed by KYVAT AND RICCIARDO. I’m not even mad, I’m simply stunned.

Seriously, what the hell just happened…

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You know what, I think Jules would have loved that kind of race and just maybe he blessed us with one hell of a show.

Alice live blogs the Austrian GP

Well hello there Austria! How are we today? This track is owned by Steven Spielberg. True story (not really).

Niki Lauda’s home race which makes it super prestigious because Niki is king.

We should rename this particular round “Ultra penalty edition” with the two Red Bull drivers each having a 10 grid place penalties and the McLaren drivers receiving a staggering 25 grid place penalty each. Ouch.

LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO!!!

Lap 1: Fucking what is going on Rosberg has overtaken Hamilton and OH MY GOD MASSIVE SMASH WITH ALONSO AND RAIKKONEN. Fernando’s McLaren is literally wedged on top of Kimi’s Ferrari.  Both drivers are fine! They’re walking away from the spectacular crash together, looking super casual as if they didn’t just destroy millions of dollars worth of aerodynamic, space age machinery.

Obviously the safety car is out.

In the mean time Kvyat has had to change his front nose due to damage from the start and Stevens has retired his Marussia.

What clusterfuck.

Button has pitted his McLaren and wants to go to the end on these tires??

Lap 6: Safety car is in and we are racing again! 

Lap 7: Sainz and Grosjean playing bumper cars with each other. More like wheel ON wheel racing.

Lap 9: Pretty sure Button’s plan to go all the way to the end of this race is nothing but a pipe dream because his McLaren is sounding properly broken. It is broken and Button is retiring.

*pause for TV ad break*

Lap 11: Hulkenberg is driving like a beast and Ericsson is being penalized for a jump start.

Lap 13: The drivers are discovering that this circuit is actually a track of oil and ice as everyone is sliding around and off the tarmac. Grosjean, I’m looking at your Lotus.

Lap 15: Bottas in his Williams showing off his mad overtaking skills on Verstappen’s Toro Rosso.

Rosberg still leads from Hamilton. The two Mercedes are both driving well and there isn’t a lot to report from up front. Vettel holds third in his Ferrari from Massa’s Williams. Force India’s Hulkenberg is 5th and Bottas is in 6th.

Lap 23: Ericsson has successfully rebooted his multimillion dollar computer and the Sauber is running again. Albeit in last.

Lap 25: Bottas yet again pulling some sick overtaking moves on Hulkenberg. Moves up into 5th.

Lap 27: Awesome scrap for 12th between Nasr in his Sauber and Grosjean. Grosjean wins after many corners of wheel to wheel racing.

Lap 28: Hulkenberg dives back in front of Bottas and metaphorically flips him off in the process. Hulkenberg’s new soft tire is working beautifully.

Lap 30: Verstappen overtakes Kvyat to claim 10th.

Lap 32: Kvyat is having serious trouble with his unbalanced Red Bull, Grosjean has just overtaken him and he’s not even trying to stop it from happening.

Lap 34: Rosberg has pitted and rejoined in 4th despite a massive lock up in the pit lane entrance.

Lap 36: Bottas and Hulkenberg aren’t done with their battle. Hamilton pits and rejoins back in 2nd. Grosjean does some off road driving.

Lap 37: Vettel’s pit stop adds insult to Ferrari’s injury by being a whopping THIRTEEN SECONDS long thanks to the left rear tire gun not wanting to cooperate. Sainz has retired. Grosjean has retired. There is now a mere 14 cars still running. Hamilton gets a 5 seconds penalty for crossing the pit lane exit line. This race is the literal definition of “a comedy or errors”.

Lap 41: Maldonado gets his Lotus past both Kvyat and Nasr in one swift move, claims 9th.

Lap 47: Perez puts his Force India into 10th ahead of Nasr.

Lap 51: Maldonado takes 8th from Ricciardo’s Red Bull despite Ricciardo doing some valiant defensive driving.

Lap 52: Ricciardo serves his pit stop penalty and rejoins in 11th with a set of fresh baked tires.

Lap 56: Impending battle between Massa and Vettel for third with the Ferrari steadily gaining on the Williams.

Lap 61: Ricciardo takes 10th from Nasr to put himself back in the points.

Lap 63: Scraps ahoy for Verstappen in 7th and Maldonado hot on his heels.

Lap 67: The battle for third is on like Donkey Kong, Vettel is baring down on Massa who’s having none of it. Rosberg is freaking out over one of his tires reliability.

Lap 68: Maldonado goes sideways, saves it and overtakes Verstappen who locks up.

Rosberg wins the Austrian grand prix! Hamilton second, Massa holds third leaving Vettel to fourth. Bottas finishes 5th, Hulkenberg doing a stellar job to claim 6th, Maldonado 7th, Verstappen 8th, Perez in 9th and Ricciardo taking the last of the points in 10th.

The only way we could have managed some extra action during this race is if Spielberg had managed to get some velociraptors on the track.

Night y’all!

Alice live blogs the Canadian GP

Holy crap it’s 4 o’clock in the morning right now and I’ve managed to wake myself up for this.

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A warning that I’m currently running on about 3.5 hours sleep so this might not be the most coherent post I’ve ever written. Okie dokie, here goes nothing…

Ahoy Canada! How are we this fine morning? What a potentially exciting race we have ahead of us. Looking forward to seeing some great driving.

AND WE ARE AWAY!

Hamilton has held onto 1st with Rosberg and Raikkonen and Bottas all getting very close to one another but everyone holds their starting places of 2nd, 3rd and 4th respectively.

Lap 2: Force India’s Hulkenberg has jumped up a position to 6th.

Lap 4: Vettel in the Ferrari and Massa in the Williams making some brilliant moves as they overtake and make their way through the back of the field.

Lap 7: Sauber’s Ericsson is not giving up 11th to Massa or Vettel behind him. Defending like a champ and giving us a beautiful little battle.

Lap 8: Vettel surprisingly pits and – ooooh dear it’s S  L  O  W. Something has stuffed up big time. Sucks to be you right now.

Lap 10: Gorgeous long overtaking move between Massa and Ericsson. Both drivers fighting for 11th with Ericsson aggressively defending and brilliant wheel to wheel action. Massa takes the place from the Sauber.

Lap 12: Button’s McLaren has moved up into 18th place after serving his drive through penalty during the early laps of the race and Vettel is running 17th. Verstappen’s Toro Rosso is now in 15th after overtaking Nasr in his Sauber.

Lap 17: Hamilton has extended his lead in the Mercedes to 17 seconds to Rosberg, Bottas looms behind Raikkonen’s Ferrari and Massa is flying up through the places into the top 10.

Lap 20: McLaren’s Alonso has no interest in letting Vettel take 15th and there’s dust flying and contact. Massa takes yet ANOTHER place moving himself into 7th.

Lap 21: Vettel gets the job done on Alonso and nabs 15th.

Lap 22: Hamilton has lapped Button, Vettel has overtaken Verstappen, Maldonado’s Lotus overtakes Ericsson. Much overtaking. Very good viewing. Wow.

Aaaaaand my live stream has dropped out. I am too tired and disorientated to fix this but I need to so I’m going to give it a go….

Okay we are back! Here’s what was missed: Ricciardo pits his Red Bull onto super soft tires. Alonso has finally had enough of the McLaren situation and has gotten (understandably) grumpy over team radio. Apparently his fuel consumption is too high. Despite a total lack of power from the car. Not cool guys.

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Lap 27: Vettel into the top 10 and chasing down Maldonado in 9th. Raikkonen pits, drama free, rejoins in 4th behind Bottas.

Lap 28: Oh jesus Raikkonen is doing donuts through the hairpin. Crap. Lovely spectacle for the fans but utterly shit for Ferrari. Didn’t he do that last year as well? Maybe he does it as a tribute to Tim Horton.

Lap 29: Bottas pits slowly but it doesn’t matter, he rejoins ahead of Raikkonen in 3rd.

Lap 30: Hamilton pits, then Rosberg pits and Vettel has moved into 6th.

Lap 33: Kvyat’s Red Bull overtakes Verstappen to take 10th and Rosberg is chipping away at Hamilton’s lead.

Lap 35: Massa is now in 5th and he hasn’t made a pit stop yet. What a drive!

Lap 36: Vettel pits onto super softs and rejoins in 9th. THERE IS A GROUNDHOG ON THE TRACK! Oh Canada. He’s fine, the little guy made a run for it and got safely out of the way.

ground-hog

Lap 38: Massa has now pitted and needs to make these super soft tires last until the end of the race. He rejoins in 9th just ahead of Kvyat.

Lap 41: Raikkonen pits again (no spinning this time please and thank you) and holds 4th place. Vettel vs. Hulkenberg scrap under way.

Lap 44: Whoa big old mess of an overtake between Vettel and Hulkenberg. Vettel ensures no contact was made but Hulkenberg spins and loses 7th to Vettel and has Massa overtake him at the same time. Insult to injury.

Lap 47: Alonso is out of the Canadian GP. Disappointing really doesn’t cut it as an accurate description of the McLaren situation.

Lap 49: Potential battle royale in the closing stages between the Mercedes drivers? Much talk of Rosberg attacking and saving his breaks for the final laps and Hamilton saving fuel in order to respond.

Lap 50: Surprise pit stop for Lotus! They did not realize that one was happening. So unprepared. Grosjean literally ran into Stevens Marussia’s front wing and gave himself a puncture. What a twat. He’ll be getting a penalty for that move, no doubt. Grosjean is on team radio acting like Stevens hit him…

gwen stephani

Lap 55: Sainz Toro Rosso overtakes Ricciardo’s Red Bull. Touch awkward.

Lap 56: Vettel overtakes Maldonado and claims 5th. Vettel now racing his teammate ahead but the gap is 12 seconds.

Lap 57: Button told to retire his McLaren. Jesus.

Lap 60: Verstappen’s Toro Rosso is all over the back of Ericsson in the battle for 14th.

Lap 62: The lap between Hamilton and Rosberg is 1.8 seconds, then 30 seconds back to Bottas who is 7.8 seconds ahead of Raikkonen. Vettel trails his teammate by 9 seconds. Merhi’s Marussia retires 😦

5 LAPS TO GO!
I seriously doubt that there’s going to be a change to the top 5 runners at this point. The Mercedes battle speculation was LIES!

Nothing much to report here. Hamilton keeps locking up but it’s not making any real difference. He’s also being told to lift and coast to safe fuel for the last lap? It’s in the bag for Hamilton.

Surprise, surprise. Hamilton wins the Canadian GP followed by his team mate Rosberg. Bottas holds 3rd with Raikkonen having to settle for 4th (thanks a bunch Kimi, it’s not like I woke up this stupidly early in the hopes of seeing you on the podium or anything), Vettel does incredibly well to claim 5th. Stunning drive from Massa to take out 6th, Maldonado 7th, Hulkenberg 8th, Kvyat 9th and Grosjean (aka Crashy McSmashy) 10th rounding out the points.

canadagpresults

Okay, thanks Canada for a decent race with some nice action. It was interesting enough to keep me awake for 2 hours and that’s no mean feat.

Now I’m going back to bed…

robincanada

Alice live blogs the Spanish GP

We are back in Europe! The sun is shining, the cars sound stupid and we are ready for the Spanish Grand Prix. Let’s all take a moment to pray to the F1 gods that the next two hours of our lives aren’t dull.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Woah there is a big old bunch of cars going through that first corner! Wheel to wheel action!
Rosberg holds his lead followed by Vettel then Hamilton and Bottas at the end of the lap. Raikkonen jumps up into 5th with the two Toro Rosso close behind. 

Lap 3: The Red Bulls aren’t doing great to be honest. Kvyat has dropped to 13th and Ricciardo is in 11th.

Massa is overtaking cars like it ain’t no thang. He’s now up into 6th.

Lap 5: Rosberg is not taking this lead for granted. Fastest laps all over the place for Nico.

Lap 8: Lotus vs Toro Rosso battles underway. Maldonado takes Max Verstappen with Sainz being passed by Grosjean.

Lap 9: Typically there’s a sizeable gap between the front runners (Mercedes, Ferrari and Williams) to the rest of the pack. Hamilton can’t close the gap on Vettel. Red Bull, Toro Rosso and Lotus all in for some good battles. Force India and Sauber cannot get it together and are effectively just a bit shit today.

Lap 12: We are beginning to see cars pit.

Lap 13: Apparently Hamilton is on ‘Plan C’ and has been told it’s “Hammer Time”.

Lap 14: Lewis told to “do the opposite of Vettel”. His team radio has been priceless this race. OH HIS REAR WHEEL ISN’T GOING ON PROPERLY DURING HIS PIT STOP. DISASTER FOR HAMILTON.

Lap 15: Vettel pits in 2.3 seconds and rolls back out ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 16: Problem free pit stop for Rosberg and Bottas. Kimi ‘whats-a-pitstop?’ Raikkonen leads the race. Lotus with rear wing troubles…in the pits (pun!)

Lap 18: Kimi pits and come out behind Bottas into 5th.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS STOP TALKING TO LEWIS IN THE CORNERS OKAY? HOW MANY TIMES DOES HE HAVE TO TELL YOU? GOSH.

Lap 21: Vettel fighting off Hamilton. Raikkonen getting a pep talk. Alonso in 7th? Nice!

Lap 22: Grosjean told to “lift when you use the bad gear” or else he’s going to blow his engine. Yeah, that’s what you’d call the opposite of good news for the Frenchman.

Lap 24: Sahweet scrap between Kvyat and Verstappen.
Raikkonen as per usual making miracles happen on the tyres that no one likes (hard compound). May the sisu be with you!

Lap 27: Button’s car is having an identity crisis. It doesn’t seem to understand it’s meant to be a Formula One car and currently sits in 18th after being overtaken by Maldonado’s Lotus.

Lap 28: CATASTROPHE FOR HOMEBOY ALONSO IN THE PITS. MASSIVE BRAKE FAILURE AND HE COMPLETELY OVERSHOT THE PIT BOX. No one injured thank goodness because that was properly crazy. Alonso out of his home race 😦

Lap 30: Ricciardo has managed to get himself up into 7th, Grosjean 8th, Kvyat 9th and Verstappen 10th to round out the potential points.

Half way mark! Hamilton pits onto hard tyres, come out into 5th. Massa pits, goes into 6th. Rosberg holds the lead.

Lap 35: After overtaking Raikkonen, Hamilton is going gangbusters. According to his team radio he’s back to ‘Plan B’. How many plans does this guy have?!

Strategy chat brought to you by Crofty, Brundle and Kravitz: why didn’t Ferrari cover the undercut from Mercedes? Apparently they lack the ability to improvise. Not the team you’d pick to play theater sports with then.

Lap 41: Vettel pits and rejoins in 4th ahead of Raikkonen who’s on a two stop strategy.

Lap 42: JESUS WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THESE PITSTOPS? GROSJEAN OVERSHOOTS THE BOX AND DAMN NEAR IMPALES THE FRONT JACK GUY. He’s okay. Give the guy a medal he still managed to jack the car!
Raikkonen makes his final pit stop (thankfully drama free) and rejoins in 6th.

Lap 46: Rosberg pits for the final time and loses the lead to Hamilton who has to pit again.

Lap 47: Raikkonen gets the job done on Massa to take 5th.
Maldonado forced to retire. Again.

Lap 49: Not much to report. Even the commentators are struggling to find stuff to talk about. Good time to have a cup of tea or pour yourself another glass of wine.

Lap 50: ………..

Lap 52: Hamilton pits for the final time and rejoins the race in 2nd and it looks like it’s going to be a Mercedes 1 – 2.

Lap 54: Can Raikkonen catch Bottas before he runs out of laps? Will we get some Finn on Finn action? Is Vettel screwed on these older tyres? I demand answers!

Lap 55: Vettel imitates Raikkonen and gets the shits over team radio regarding blue flags and traffic. Less monotone and sweary than Kimi but still amusing.

Lap 58: Hamilton wants to know if there’s any chance he can take the lead from Rosberg. Team says “No”. Tells him to preserve the engine. Hamilton goes a second faster. Gives zero fucks.

Lap 59: Finn on Finn action commences! Iceman vs Iceboy according to Brundle. Can someone please turn that into a comic?!

Four laps to go!
Verstappen locks up twice and can’t defend 10th against his teammate. Bottas defending hard against Raikkonen.

Talk ensues about the whole Ferrari 2016 line up. Does Ferrari want Hamilton? Will it be Bottas wearing red next year? Will Kimi have his contract renewed? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS YOU CAN’T IMMEDIATELY ANSWER!

Lap 66: Contact between Kvyat and Sainz.

Rosberg wins by a MILE (17.5 seconds) from Hamilton. Vettel is probably a bit annoyed with his 3rd. Bottas holds 4th from Raikkonen who definitely won’t be pleased with 5th. Massa claims 6th, Ricciardo manages 7th, Grosjean keeps from blowing up his car in 8th, Sainz takes 9th from Kvyat in 10th.

German chit chat between Nico and Seb pre podium. Crofty attempts to translate. Seb admits during his podium interview that racing drivers always have something to complain about. THEY’VE BECOME SELF AWARE.

Well that’s a wrap! Congratulations to Nico on his first win of the season and a great drive. Here’s what the final results look like:

image

MONACO NEXT!!! The crown jewel of the F1 calender. Cannot. Wait.