Alice live blogs the Japanese GP.

Good afternoon Suzuka!

I love this race because it’s on in the afternoon here and because it’s technical and usually pretty thrilling.
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Rosberg is on pole but not feeling 100% and Kvyat is okay after doing a flip in quali.

Shout out to the Japanese fans for their AMAZING hats, banners and general support of the sport. You legends.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: Hamilton has taken the lead, Ricciardo and Massa touch. Perez is off the track. Vettel and Bottas overtake Rosberg to put him in 4th followed by Raikkonen.

Lap 2: Puncture town! Massa and Ricciardo both with a blown tire after their contact. Limping into the pits. Perez also with a puncture.

Lap 4: Alonso in the points defending 9th from Sainz but loses the scrap.

Lap 6: Rosberg on the hunt for Bottas and 3rd place.

The McLaren drivers are officially over it. They’re being overtaken left, right and centre and Alonso for one has called it “embarrassing” over team radio. We may lose two world champions out of the sport at the end of this year and that would be a travesty.

Lap 9: Verstappen playing the long game against Nasr trying to take 12th.

Lap 11: Lots of pit stops starting to happen. Those who have pitted we assume are on a three stop strategy. Replay of Ericsson going off the track but he rejoins and it’s all good.

Lap 12: Bottas pits and it looks like this might be a strategy by Williams to attempt to undercut Rosberg! Draaama.

Lap 13: Hulkenberg overtakes Ericsson for 7th.

Lap 14: Vettel pits in 2.2 seconds like damn.

Lap 15: Raikkonen pits, rejoins in 5th. Rosberg told to pit this lap.

Lap 16: Hamilton told to pit this lap. Alonso, Kvyat and Verstappen all battling it out for 11th, 12th and 13th respectively. Currently the most interesting thing happening on track.

Lap 17: Rosberg now hot on the heels of Bottas. Told to “push to attack Bottas to destroy his tires”. That’s brutal.
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Lap 18: Well it may have been brutal but it worked and now Rosberg takes 3rd place.
Kvyat can’t use the overtake button due to reliability issues. I wish I had an overtake button when I’m stuck behind slow walking people hogging the sidewalk.

Lap 21: Verstappen looking very close to Kvyat. Kvyat does the work for Verstappen and pits. Raikkonen now on the tail of Bottas. FIN ON FIN ACTION AHOY!

Lap 23: Alonso defends from Verstappen. Button defends from Ericsson.

Lap 24: Perez overtakes Nasr, takes 14th.
Vettel maintains a 2 second gap ahead of Rosberg.
Replay of Kvyat indulging in some off roading which he really needs to stop doing.

Lap 26: The long game pays off for Verstappen as he overtakes Alonso to claim 10th and get in the points.

Lap 27: We just heard Alonso crack over team radio. Claims that his engine is of “GP 2” standard. He mad.

Lap 28: Raikkonen now playing the long game on Bottas. Long ass pitstop for Sainz as he gets his nose changed – debris on the track from whatever Sainz clipped.

Lap 29: Raikkonen pits and rejoins in 8th, probably looking to go to the end of race on these tires.

Lap 30: Bottas pits but the undercut by Ferrari has worked and Raikkonen gets ahead!
Rosberg pits.

Lap 31: Rosberg has undercut Vettel by pitting early. Vettel pits but rejoins behind the Mercedes in 3rd.

Not much to report. I may have missed a few things because I nipped off to make myself a cup of coffee which gives you an idea of the thrill factor I’m currently experiencing during this race.
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Lap 40: Big scrap for 12th going on between Ericsson, Perez, Button and Kvyat. Kvyat moves up into 14th ahead of Button.

Lap 42: Vettel closes in on Rosberg #PrepareForBattle more like #PrayForBattle

Replay of a big old spin by Stevens in his Marussia. 🎶 Smooooke on the traaaaaack 🎶

Lap 45: Verstappen overtakes teammate Sainz to grab 9th place.

Lap 48: Cars continue to drive around the track at high speed. Here’s the race in emoji form: 🚘🔃🏁

Lap 51: Kvyat overtakes Ericsson, takes 13th and sandwiches him between the two Red Bull drivers.

Lap 52: Nasr has retired? Not sure why though.

So we are on to the final lap and unless something catastrophic happens Hamilton is going to win the Japanese Grand Prix followed by bridesmaid teammate Rosberg then the two Ferarri’s of Vettel and Raikkonen.

Yep, that’s exactly what has happened.

More interestingly Bottas takes 5th, Hulkenberg 6th, the Lotus’ of Grosjean and Maldonado not crashing (there’s a shock) and taking 7th and 8th respectively and the two Toro Rosso’s of Verstappen in 9th and Sainz in 10th. 

Well that race was…okay I guess? Not particularly interesting up front but an honorable mention to the midfield for some sweet scraps and a bit of wheel to wheel action.

Personally I’m looking forward to hearing from Alonso post race because he is PISSED and I love paddock drama.
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See you next time in Russia!

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Alice live blogs the Singapore GP

Good evening Singapore you beautiful scoundrel!

We have all the ingredients for one hell of a great grand prix:
– Night race ✔
– No Mercedes on pole ✔
– The boy from Aus on the front row ✔
– Ferrari looking strong ✔

So, in the words of RuPaul…

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LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: We are away clean with the exception of poor Verstappen whose car has refused to take part in the GP.  Everyone holds position.

Lap 2: Vettel starts to stretch his lead and Verstappen gets his Toro Rosso restarted and rejoins the race.

Lap 6: Not much to report at this point but for once that’s a good thing!

Crofty and Brundle describing the Singapore GP as a “sweaty, dehydrated pain” which reminds me a lot of Australian summers so I feel for the drivers.

Lap 8: Button is having a massive struggle with his tyres. Dude can’t catch a break.

Lap 10: We have our first pit stop in the form of Grosjean and speculation mounts about Ricciardo attempting an undercut on Vettel. Speculation is 9/10ths of the sport.

Lap 11: Sainz and Alonso having to wait in pit lane traffic and now it’s on for 13th between Alonso and Grosjean with the latter managing to take the position.

Lap 12: According to Hulkenburg degradation of the super soft tyres is kicking in.

Lap 13: We have contact between Massa and Hulkenburg! Massa tried to stay ahead of Hulkenburg, Nico turned in onto Massa and then said hi to the wall. Everyone is okay but Hulkenburg is out of the race. Virtual safety car and err’body hitting the pits.

Lap 14: Jenson “can’t catch a break” Button is utterly screwed with the wheel nut stuck on a wheel (I think?) 40 second pit stop. Ouch.

Lap 15: Virtual safety car still out with Hamilton and Rosberg moving themselves up to 4th and 5th respectively and running their Mercs on the soft tyre. Lots of debris on track and it looks like the legit safety car is out to deal with it.

Lap 17: Verstappen can unlap himself under the safety car.

Lap 18: Safety car in end of this lap and then shit gets real.

Lap 19: We are away clean and racing once more. Sainz car crapping out temporarily but rejoins.

Lap 20: The gaps between the top three is close as battles appear imminent.

Lap 22: DRS has been enabled once more. Tensions mount!

Lap 23: Hulkenburg gets slapped with a penalty for causing the collision with Massa.

Lap 26: Team radio from Hamilton saying he’s lost power and now Rosberg has overtaken him followed by Kvyat then Bottas! WHOA SINGAPORE, just when I thought things were looking a touch dull…

Lap 28: Vettel has put the peddle to the metal and made a break for it.

Lap 30: Massa has also suffered a “neutral” so the conspiracy theories can commence! Apparently metro lines run under the GP circuit and they MAY fuck with the million dollar technology in these cars.
Massa serves a non existant drive through penalty?! He looks to be trying to restart the car as he rolls through the pits? Car appears to be working again? Oh nope, Massa told to retire. He’s out as well 😦

Lap 31: Raikkonen told to give it all he’s got. SISU YOU BEAUTIFUL FINNISH KING!

Lap 32: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid is up into 11th! Get in the points son!

Lap 33: Hamilton is 110% done with this race. Retires. Early night for Lewis #NotSoBlessed

Lap 34: Yet ANOTHER crappy pit stop, this time for Kvyat and Alonso has retired seemly out of absolutely no where?! What the hell?

Lap 35: This shall hence forth be know as the race of “the phantom neutral” as apparently that’s what happened to Alonso as well. Sounds like an Avengers movie.

Lap 36: Verstappen now in 8th and Perez overtakes Grosjean to put himself in 9th.

Lap 37: Safety car deployed and we don’t know why and OH MY GOD THERE IS A PERSON ON THE FUCKING TRACK. THEY ARE JUST WANDERING CASUALLY DOWN THE FUCKING TRACK.

Singapore you need to calm your tits this is beyond mental.

Err’body pits again. Err’body bunched up.

We this race is obviously going to hit the 2 hour time limit and we are not getting the full 61 laps. Rossi wont fucking unlap himself and now we have to restart with him in the goddamn middle of the top 3.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Lap 41: Raikkonen gets past Rossi and FINALLY Rossi moves out of the goddamn way and into the runoff area.
CONTACT! Button and Grosjean touch and Button comes off worse and is forced to pit. Worst race of Button’s career? Probably up there.

Lap 44: DRS enabled again. I’m probably going to be holding my breath for the next 30 minutes.

Lap 45: Scraps ahoy for Grosjean, Verstappen and Sainz for 8th position.

Lap 46: Clean overtake by Verstappen on Grosjean to put himself from stone last to 8th.

Lap 47: Sainz follows suit and overstakes Grosjean. Albeit potentially illegally.  Crofty and Brundle say “Fuck it, let him have it” except in a more dignified, British way.

Commentators think Lap 59 will be the cut off point for this race which leaves us with 8 laps to go.

Lap 53: McLaren have pulled the plug on Button’s race. He may be disappointed but potentially relieved. Properly shit race for the world champion.

Lap 54: Nasr takes 11th from Maldonado

Lap 55: Ericsson follows his teammates lead and overtakes Maldonado as well.

Sweet jesus this is a long race.

Apparently we are going to the full 61 laps.

Lap 60: Nasr puts himself into 10th and into the points.
Oh Verstappen has been told to give the position back to teammate Sainz and the team recieves an emphatic “NO!” from the 17 year old. #TeenAngst

Lap 61: SUPRISE! Another car retires. This time it’s Grosjean.

Vettel wins the Singapore Grand Prix! Followed by Ricciardo and Raikkonen (best podium of the season so far).

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Well that race sure was something. I’m not sure what exactly is was but it was definitely something.

Some race stats from Singapore*:
# of saftey cars: 2
# of virtual saftey cars: 1
# of random people on the track: 1
# of “phantom neutrals”: 1 thousand
# of botched pit stops: 1 million
*statistics may not be entirely accurate.

KIMI PODIUM! WOOP!

Night y’all.
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Alice live blogs the Belgium GP

Good afternoon Belgium! What a beautiful sight Spa is after summer break. Glad all the driver had a nice time relaxing and partying with pop stars while the rest of us have been having withdrawals.

We ought to rename this race “Penalty Central” since err’body (Grosjean, Raikkonen, Verstappen, Alonso and Button) has moved up and down the grid before the race even kicks off.

ALSO: NEW START PROCEDURE! Anybody else hearing Highway to the Danger Zone playing in their head when they think about how this is going to go down?

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Formation lap drama! Wow we are starting early with the complications today. Hulkenburg losing power and told to pit…now being told not to pit. Oh shiiiiiiit. Aborted start.

Jesus now Sainz has lost power! At this rate were going to do this whole race as a formation lap and with, like, 10 cars.

LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO

Lap 1: What the fuck Perez is in SECOND?! Ricciardo third and Bottas fourth ahead of Rosberg?! Damn.

Lap 2: Rosberg takes Bottas and now has Vettel on his rear. Maldonado looks like his race is all over red rover.

Lap 4: Verstappen takes Ericsson and Sainz car totally craps out? Maybe not, maybe he just pulled over to let the others through. Good guy Sainz.

Lap 5: Raikkonen takes Ericsson, continues to fight to hold on to his title of “King of Spa”. Make it happen Kimi.

Ad breaks. What is this, fucking amature hour, Channel 10?

Lap 7: We are back people! Fucking Perez is still in second.

Lap 8: Ricciardo pits early. Begin speculation as to why! Grosjean has overtaken Bottas?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???

Lap 9: Perez pits but comes out in 10th so Ricciardo has managed the undercut.

Lap 10: Bunch of cars pit. Grosjean, Massa and a few other people who’s names I missed. Grosjean overtakes Bottas AGAIN.

Lap 11: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid has balls of steal going around the outside of Blanchimont to overtake Ericsson.

Lap 13: Rosberg comes out of the pits ahead or Perez, gets challenged by Perez but stays in front and holds third. Thank christ.

Lap 14: Hamilton pits and rejoins behind Vettel who now currently leads the Belgium GP.

Lap 15: Vettel pits and I get an ad break. Rude.

Lap 16: Okay someone at Channel 10 is getting fired. There is currently TWO sets of commentary going on right now during the broadcast and it sounds like the most jumbled piece of Satan speak I’ve ever heard. I think they’re trying to tell me that Bottas has served his drive through penalty for having mix-n-match tires put on his car during his latest pit stop but honestly they could be telling me about the weather in Azerbaijan. What a clusterfuck. This is what happens when you don’t pay Crofty and Brundle to do your commentary.

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Lap 19: Rant over. Satan has gone home and we are back. Battle for 7th consists of Kvyat, Massa and Raikkonen.

Lap 20: Grosjean overtakes Perez and neither of them crash into the other which is both surprising and disappointing.

Lap 21: NO GOD WHY Ricciardo’s Red Bull has given up entirely. Total failure in every sense. Virtual safety car deployed. So too are the ad breaks.

Lap 23: Apparently the virtual safety car is in and the clouds are gathering.

Lap 29: The most interesting thing that’s happened in the last six laps in that Kvyat has overtaken Bottas to take 9th.

Lap 31: Hamilton pits, drops to 2nd. Rosberg to pit at the end of the lap anyway.

Lap 32: Rosberg drops back into 2nd after his pit stop and Nasr over takes Alonso, takes 12th.

Lap 35: Sainz Toro Rosso has officially crapped out for reals this time. 16 cars left in the Belgium GP.

Lap 37: Kvyat overtakes Raikkonen to steal 7th and hunts down Massa and Perez ahead.

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Lap 39: Kvyat is hot on Massa’s heals and Grosjean is going to have a go at Vettel. Verstappen overtakes Bottas.

Lap 40: Ever so slightly messy overtake by Kvyat on Massa but hey, he gets the job done and takes 6th.

Lap 41: Clean as fuck overtake by Kvyat on Perez to move himself up into 5th.

WOAH GOODBYE TIRE on Vettel’s Ferarri! Spontaneous combustion. Gonna call that as a fuck up by Ferrari only this time for Seb instead of Kimi (for once). THANKS FOR HANDING GROSJEAN THE PODIUM GUYS. They left Vettel out on those tires for a lap too long.

Last lap and Verstappen tries to pull a move on Raikkonen but screws it up, goes sideways and loses the place. Eat it.

Yeah cool checkered flag and SURPRISE SURPRISE Hamilton wins followed by Mercedes lesser loved child Rosberg and then bloody Grosjean is on the podium in third.

Honorable mention goes to Raikkonen because he’s the king of Spa and he made up 10 places whilst getting next to no love from the commentators.

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Christ almighty those trophy shields are shiny. They’re basically mirrors with a sea shell in the centre. Hamilton, Rosberg and Grosjean and now inducted into the narcissistic mermaids association with those things.

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I’m so done with you right now Spa, you beautiful bastard.

Alice live blogs the Hungarian GP

Welcome to Hungary pals.

A powerful reminder this evening of what these lads are willing to sacrifice in the name of sport and entertainment as we honour the passing of the beautiful and talented Jules Bianchi.

The difficult task now lies with the boys to put thoughts of Jules out of their minds and focus on the race ahead.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWA-

Nope. Sorry. False start. We’re doing “formation lap: the sequel”.
Apparently Massa’s Williams was out of position and now he’s probably going to be in the naughty corner at some point during the race.

LIGHTS OUT AND for reals this time AWAY WE GO!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS WE HAVE FERRARIS IN THE LEAD!

Vettel in the lead followed by Raikkonen.
VETTEL.
RAIKKONEN.
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

HAMILTON HAS GONE OFF THE TRACK and blames Rosberg as per usual. Awful start by my homeboy Ricciardo unfortunately.

Okay so, I missed a couple of laps out of pure elation but I’m back now.

Lap 7: Vettel still leads from Raikkonen followed by Rosberg. Hulkenberg is holding 5th followed by the two Red Bulls. Perez is in 8th and Massa is now defending 9th from Hamilton who can only manage 10th.

Lap 11: Hamilton has taken 9th from Massa via some bumper car style overtaking. Valiant job by Massa defending the crap out of that place for as long as he could.

Lap 12: Kyvat is pissed about team orders to let Ricciardo through. Red Bull: we like to repeat history.

Lap 13: Hamilton has now managed to get past Perez without incident. For once I would have been happy to see Perez run into someone but alas…

Lap 14: Bottas has been released into traffic and 16th place after his pit stop and now he’s wedged between Maldonado and Ericsson.

Lap 16: These pitstops are a bit of a shit-shambles.

Lap 18: Something has come off Raikkonen’s car. Looks like part of the wing. Commentators think it’s actually the camera mount.

Lap 19: Perez and Maldonado do what they do best and get involved in a bit of a crash. Nothing serious, they rejoin the race.

Lap 21: Rosberg pits. Drama free.

Lap 22: Vettel pits. Drama free. Raikkonen leads.
Ricciardo pits and rejoins in 4th just ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 23: Raikkonen pits. Drama free.

Lap 24: Battle commences between Ricciardo and Hamilton! Ricciardo doing all Australians proud by defending Hamilton like a champion.

Lap 28: Nasr vs Massa for 16th. It’s the battle of the Filipe’s.

Lap 29: Hamilton takes 4th from Ricciardo. God dammit.

Not much to report. This is like the come down from an epic high. Kind of bored, kind of grouchy, waiting for the next hit of excitement…

Lap 37: Rosberg being told to go faster. Apparently he doesn’t get a choice in tyre unless he gets a move along. I can only assume that Rosberg isn’t psyched on this news considering he’s ahead of his teammate but not getting priority treatment.

Lap 40: Nice battle unfolding between Bottas, Hulkenberg and Kvyat. 

Lap 42: Raikkonen thinks he has an issue with his engine. DO NOT BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS FERRARI.

Lap 43: Hulkenberg has a rather large crash into the tyre barrier and the virtual safety car has been deployed. Debris on the track.
Woah the replay shows Hulkenberg’s front wing literally just fell off his Force India.

Safety car is out. FUCK.
Raikkonen has lost his kinetic motor, meaning he can still race but with seriously compromised performance. DOUBLE FUCK.

I have completely covered the entire range of emotions known to human kind throughout this race and we’re only on lap 46. This sport will potentially be the death of me.

Safety car in this lap.

Here we go again…

Vettel holds the lead, Rosberg takes 2nd from Raikkonen. Hamilton hits Ricciardo like a dick. Bottas gets a puncture. Ricciardo in his damaged Red Bull rolls past Raikkonen to take 3rd.

Hamilton has to suck on a drive through penalty for crashing into my homeboy Ricciardo. Sorry not sorry.

Lap 53: KIMI RAIKKONEN, KING OF ALL DRIVERS, PULLS INTO THE PITS, RESTARTS HIS FERRARI AND REJOINS THE RACE BECAUSE KIMI IS THE EMBODIMENT OF SISU.
aaaaaaaaand that noble act didn’t fix shit so I’m going to cry.

Lap 56: Raikkonen has retired. I give up. I am so done.

Lap 58: Vettel, Rosberg and Ricciardo are all in it to win it. I’m cheering for all of them at this point. Mostly Ricciardo. Go you good thing.

Lap 62: Sainz retires from the Hungarian GP.

Lap 64: RICCIARDO AND ROSBERG COLLIDE! Ricciardo damages his front wing and Rosberg has one hell of a puncture.

Holy hell this race is a kaleidoscope of drama. If you meet a Hungarian please shake there hand for me. Most epic race of the season by far.

Vettel crosses the line to win the Hungarian Grand Prix followed by KYVAT AND RICCIARDO. I’m not even mad, I’m simply stunned.

Seriously, what the hell just happened…

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You know what, I think Jules would have loved that kind of race and just maybe he blessed us with one hell of a show.

Alice live blogs the Hungarian GP

Welcome to Hungary pals.

A powerful reminder this evening of what these lads are willing to sacrifice in the name of sport and entertainment as we honour the passing of the beautiful and talented Jules Bianchi.

The difficult task now lies with the boys to put thoughts of Jules out of their minds and focus on the race ahead.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWA-

Nope. Sorry. False start. We’re doing “formation lap: the sequel”.
Apparently Massa’s Williams was out of position and now he’s probably going to be in the naughty corner at some point during the race.

LIGHTS OUT AND for reals this time AWAY WE GO!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS WE HAVE FERRARIS IN THE LEAD!

Vettel in the lead followed by Raikkonen.
VETTEL.
RAIKKONEN.
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

HAMILTON HAS GONE OFF THE TRACK and blames Rosberg as per usual. Awful start by my homeboy Ricciardo unfortunately.

Okay so, I missed a couple of laps out of pure elation but I’m back now.

Lap 7: Vettel still leads from Raikkonen followed by Rosberg. Hulkenberg is holding 5th followed by the two Red Bulls. Perez is in 8th and Massa is now defending 9th from Hamilton who can only manage 10th.

Lap 11: Hamilton has taken 9th from Massa via some bumper car style overtaking. Valiant job by Massa defending the crap out of that place for as long as he could.

Lap 12: Kyvat is pissed about team orders to let Ricciardo through. Red Bull: we like to repeat history.

Lap 13: Hamilton has now managed to get past Perez without incident. For once I would have been happy to see Perez run into someone but alas…

Lap 14: Bottas has been released into traffic and 16th place after his pit stop and now he’s wedged between Maldonado and Ericsson.

Lap 16: These pitstops are a bit of a shit-shambles.

Lap 18: Something has come off Raikkonen’s car. Looks like part of the wing. Commentators think it’s actually the camera mount.

Lap 19: Perez and Maldonado do what they do best and gets involved in a bit of a crash. Nothing serious, rejoins the race.

Lap 21: Rosberg pits. Drama free.

Lap 22: Vettel pits. Drama free. Raikkonen leads.
Ricciardo pits and rejoins in 4th just ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 23: Raikkonen pits. Drama free.

Lap 24: Battle commences between Ricciardo and Hamilton! Ricciardo doing all Australians proud by defending Hamilton like a champion.

Lap 28: Nasr vs Massa for 16th. It’s the battle of the Filipe’s.

Lap 29: Hamilton takes 4th from Ricciardo. God dammit.

Not much to report. This is like the come down from an epic high. Kind of bored, kind of grouchy, waiting for the next hit of excitement…

Lap 37: Rosberg being told to go faster. Apparently he doesn’t get a choice in tyre unless he gets a move along. I can only assume that Rosberg isn’t psyched on this news considering he’s ahead of his teammate but not getting priority treatment.

Lap 40: Nice battle unfolding between Bottas, Hulkenberg and Kvyat. 

Lap 42: Raikkonen thinks he has an issue with his engine. DO NOT BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS FERRARI.

Lap 43: Hulkenberg has a rather large crash into the tyre barrier and the virtual safety car has been deployed. Debris on the track.
Woah the replay shows Hulkenberg’s front wing literally just fell off his Force India.

Safety car is out. FUCK.
Raikkonen has lost his kinetic motor, meaning he can still race but with seriously compromised performance. DOUBLE FUCK.

I have completely covered the entire range of emotions known to human kind throughout this race and we’re only on lap 46. This sport will potentially be the death of me.

Safety car in this lap.

Here we go again…

Vettel holds the lead, Rosberg takes 2nd from Raikkonen. Hamilton hits Ricciardo like a dick. Bottas gets a puncture. Ricciardo in his damaged Red Bull rolls past Raikkonen to take 3rd.

Hamilton has to suck on a drive through penalty for crashing into my homeboy Ricciardo. Sorry not sorry.

Lap 53: KIMI RAIKKONEN, KING OF ALL DRIVERS, PULLS INTO THE PITS, RESTARTS HIS FERRARI AND REJOINS THE RACE BECAUSE KIMI IS THE EMBODIMENT OF SISU.
aaaaaaaaand that noble act didn’t fix shit so I’m going to cry.

Lap 56: Raikkonen has retired. I give up. I am so done.

Lap 58: Vettel, Rosberg and Ricciardo are all in it to win it. I’m cheering for all of them at this point. Mostly Ricciardo. Go you good thing.

Lap 62: Sainz retires from the Hungarian GP.

Lap 64: RICCIARDO AND ROSBERG COLLIDE! Ricciardo damages his front wing and Rosberg has one hell of a puncture.

Holy hell this race is a kaleidoscope of drama. If you meet a Hungarian please shake there hand for me. Most epic race of the season by far.

Vettel crosses the line to win the Hungarian Grand Prix followed by KYVAT AND RICCIARDO. I’m not even mad, I’m simply stunned.

Seriously, what the hell just happened…

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You know what, I think Jules would have loved that kind of race and just maybe he blessed us with one hell of a show.

Alice live blogs the British GP

Good evening chaps and welcome to Silverstone: Land of cucumber sandwiches and copious amounts of tea.

We’ve already lost Nasr from Sauber which is a shame.

Time to see if Hamilton can be victorious in front of his home crowd.

LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO.

Massa takes the lead!!!
Bottas behind him in second followed by Hamilton and Rosberg.
Hamilton has taken second from Bottas.
Grosjean and Maldonado have made contact. Both out. Catch ya later Lotus.
Button is into the gravel and out of the race. McLaren undoubtedly loving life.
Now the safety car is out.
THAT WAS A HELL OF A FIRST LAP SWEET JESUS!

Alonso has had some damage to his McLaren from the whole first lap debacle and had to get his nose fixed which puts him at the back of the pack.

Safety car in and we are racing again!

Hamilton has gone wide in his Mercedes trying to attack Massa’s Williams and not only lost to Massa but Bottas has slipped his Williams into second and now Mercedes lesser loved son Rosberg is on his tail.
Verstappen has spun out into the gravel trap and is going to have to retire his Toro Rosso.

Lap 5: Force India’s Hulkenberg is in 5th with Ferrari’s Raikkonen in 6th. Vettel has been overtaken by Kvyat on the Red Bull and Perez’s Force India leaving him in 9th followed by Toro Rosso last man standing Sainz.

Lap 8: Hamilton has put in fastest lap and is closing on the Williams while Bottas rides on the tail of his teammate in the fight for 1st.
2.7 seconds between the top four drivers.

Lap 10: Vettel’s Ferrari has overtaken Perez and taken 8th. Apparently the Williams aren’t allowed to race each other. Boo to you Williams. Bottas doesn’t seem to be listening. Good on him, he’s giving it a go and telling his team where to stick it.

Lap 15: Both Ferrari drivers pit and the Mercedes tldo a kind of psych out faux pit stop where the team ran out but no car came in. Tricky.

Lap 17: Ricciardo has radioed his team saying his lost power to his Red Bull. Bugger.
Bottas is looking again to make a move on Massa but can’t quite get that illustrious overtake done.

Lap 19: Apparently it’s raining in Oxford which is 30 miles from Silverstone. That means we’re getting rain! Thank you Crofty and Brundle for that delightful weather report.

Lap 20: Hamilton pits and Mercedes goes for the undercut. He rejoins in 4th. Raikkonen overtakes Ericsson’s Sauber and takes 6th.
Massa pits from the lead. RACES ROSBERG IN THE PIT LANE AND REJOINS IN 3RD. The was properly epic.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Bottas pits. Massa has to concede 1st to Hamilton. Bottas rejoins side by side to Rosberg. Defends against Rosberg in an epic battle to hold 3rd. These guys are not messing around.

Lap 23: Ricciardo has had to retire due to engine problems. 😥

Lap 26: Radio call to Raikkonen, who’s now in 5th, giving him a heads up on the impending rain. Suspense mounts.

It’s been business as usual for the last few laps. For the most part everyone is just waiting for the rain to hit.

Lap 32: Perez has gone wide during his scrap with Sainz for 9th.

Lap 33: Now it looks like Sainz car has gone kaput and I’d say he’s out of the British GP. This race is like the hunger games of formula one.

Virtual safety car has come into play as they move Sainz car. As the virtual safety car ends the rain begins!

Lap 37: The rain has stopped according to Hamilton. If that’s true, I feel cheated.

Lap 38: Bottas seems to be lacking grip in the wet parts of the track and Rosberg runs quite wide behind him.

Lap 39: Vettel overtakes Raikkonen who sneaks straight into the pits onto intermediate tires to deal with the rain.

Lap 40: Rosberg overtakes Bottas to claim 3rd and Hamilton runs wide.

The rain has cleared for the next 5 minutes until the next shower rolls around leaving Raikkonen a bit stuffed on his new intermediate tires.

Lap 41: Rosberg overtakes Massa and now holds 2nd.

Lap 43: Rosberg gains on Hamilton who decides he needs to pit onto intermediate tires giving Rosberg the lead.

Yeah rain! Welcome back.

Lap 44: Every man and his dog is pitting onto intermediates. Rosberg dives in and now they’ve had to stack the Williams in the pit lane.

Lap 45: Vettel is now ahead of Massa in 3rd thanks to the pit stop craziness.

Five laps to go!

Stevens has kissed the barrier with his Marussia but is back on track.

Lap 48: Raikkonen is back in the pits for a new set of intermediates due to a nice fat gap between himself and his rivals.

Final lap! Still a bit of rain hanging around and it looks like Alonso will be scoring his first points of the season!

Hamilton cruises home to win his home grand prix. Rosberg takes second ahead of Vettel. I feel bad for Williams who have to settle for Massa in 4th and Bottas in 5th. Kvyat takes 6th, Hulkenberg 7th, Raikkonen 8th, Perez 9th and go you good thing Alonso in 10th!

Half a donut from Lewis Hamilton in celebration of his win.

Nice work Britain, that was a damn fine race to watch but now I’m off for a cheeky Nandos. 

Alice live blogs the Austrian GP

Well hello there Austria! How are we today? This track is owned by Steven Spielberg. True story (not really).

Niki Lauda’s home race which makes it super prestigious because Niki is king.

We should rename this particular round “Ultra penalty edition” with the two Red Bull drivers each having a 10 grid place penalties and the McLaren drivers receiving a staggering 25 grid place penalty each. Ouch.

LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO!!!

Lap 1: Fucking what is going on Rosberg has overtaken Hamilton and OH MY GOD MASSIVE SMASH WITH ALONSO AND RAIKKONEN. Fernando’s McLaren is literally wedged on top of Kimi’s Ferrari.  Both drivers are fine! They’re walking away from the spectacular crash together, looking super casual as if they didn’t just destroy millions of dollars worth of aerodynamic, space age machinery.

Obviously the safety car is out.

In the mean time Kvyat has had to change his front nose due to damage from the start and Stevens has retired his Marussia.

What clusterfuck.

Button has pitted his McLaren and wants to go to the end on these tires??

Lap 6: Safety car is in and we are racing again! 

Lap 7: Sainz and Grosjean playing bumper cars with each other. More like wheel ON wheel racing.

Lap 9: Pretty sure Button’s plan to go all the way to the end of this race is nothing but a pipe dream because his McLaren is sounding properly broken. It is broken and Button is retiring.

*pause for TV ad break*

Lap 11: Hulkenberg is driving like a beast and Ericsson is being penalized for a jump start.

Lap 13: The drivers are discovering that this circuit is actually a track of oil and ice as everyone is sliding around and off the tarmac. Grosjean, I’m looking at your Lotus.

Lap 15: Bottas in his Williams showing off his mad overtaking skills on Verstappen’s Toro Rosso.

Rosberg still leads from Hamilton. The two Mercedes are both driving well and there isn’t a lot to report from up front. Vettel holds third in his Ferrari from Massa’s Williams. Force India’s Hulkenberg is 5th and Bottas is in 6th.

Lap 23: Ericsson has successfully rebooted his multimillion dollar computer and the Sauber is running again. Albeit in last.

Lap 25: Bottas yet again pulling some sick overtaking moves on Hulkenberg. Moves up into 5th.

Lap 27: Awesome scrap for 12th between Nasr in his Sauber and Grosjean. Grosjean wins after many corners of wheel to wheel racing.

Lap 28: Hulkenberg dives back in front of Bottas and metaphorically flips him off in the process. Hulkenberg’s new soft tire is working beautifully.

Lap 30: Verstappen overtakes Kvyat to claim 10th.

Lap 32: Kvyat is having serious trouble with his unbalanced Red Bull, Grosjean has just overtaken him and he’s not even trying to stop it from happening.

Lap 34: Rosberg has pitted and rejoined in 4th despite a massive lock up in the pit lane entrance.

Lap 36: Bottas and Hulkenberg aren’t done with their battle. Hamilton pits and rejoins back in 2nd. Grosjean does some off road driving.

Lap 37: Vettel’s pit stop adds insult to Ferrari’s injury by being a whopping THIRTEEN SECONDS long thanks to the left rear tire gun not wanting to cooperate. Sainz has retired. Grosjean has retired. There is now a mere 14 cars still running. Hamilton gets a 5 seconds penalty for crossing the pit lane exit line. This race is the literal definition of “a comedy or errors”.

Lap 41: Maldonado gets his Lotus past both Kvyat and Nasr in one swift move, claims 9th.

Lap 47: Perez puts his Force India into 10th ahead of Nasr.

Lap 51: Maldonado takes 8th from Ricciardo’s Red Bull despite Ricciardo doing some valiant defensive driving.

Lap 52: Ricciardo serves his pit stop penalty and rejoins in 11th with a set of fresh baked tires.

Lap 56: Impending battle between Massa and Vettel for third with the Ferrari steadily gaining on the Williams.

Lap 61: Ricciardo takes 10th from Nasr to put himself back in the points.

Lap 63: Scraps ahoy for Verstappen in 7th and Maldonado hot on his heels.

Lap 67: The battle for third is on like Donkey Kong, Vettel is baring down on Massa who’s having none of it. Rosberg is freaking out over one of his tires reliability.

Lap 68: Maldonado goes sideways, saves it and overtakes Verstappen who locks up.

Rosberg wins the Austrian grand prix! Hamilton second, Massa holds third leaving Vettel to fourth. Bottas finishes 5th, Hulkenberg doing a stellar job to claim 6th, Maldonado 7th, Verstappen 8th, Perez in 9th and Ricciardo taking the last of the points in 10th.

The only way we could have managed some extra action during this race is if Spielberg had managed to get some velociraptors on the track.

Night y’all!