Alice live blogs the American GP.

Yeeeeeehaw! We’re in Austin baby!

The wild, wild wet apparently.
The water logged state as it were.

It has been raining.
A lot.
That’s what I’m getting at here.

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So Rosberg is on pole but if Hamilton wins this one he wins the world championship yet again. I’m not holding my breath for an upset. This is probably in the bag for Lewis Hamilton.

A bit of a shake up in terms of the starting lineup on the grid…

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Lap 1: Mercedes are neck and neck as are the Red Bulls and someone has spun out? I think it’s Massa.
Hamilton leads in a SHOCKING turn of events. Followed by Kvyat and Ricciardo which is a bit different. Rosberg close behind in 4th.

Lap 2: Alonso has a puncture and Bottas needs a new nose. The Saubers give each other a nudge.

Lap 3: Stevens is out of the race. Sainz is storming up the field after starting last, now in 10th.
The Ferrari drivers have both moved up through the grid and have create a Verstappen sandwich.

Brilliant replays of the carnage through the first corner after the start. Massa spun, collected Alonso. Hamilton ran Rosberg off the track. Team spirit is alive and well at Mercedes.

Lap 5: Sainz getting aggressive through the corners on Hulkenberg and takes 9th.
Virtual safety car due to debris here, there and everywhere on the track.

The commentators are super confused about what lap they are watchin on replay. It’s great. Such confusion. Very unsure. Wow.

Lap 7: Bottas is out of the Austin GP. Bye friend.

Lap 8: Safety car is in and Rosberg gets the jump on Ricciardo for 3rd, gets right up Kvyat’s tail, makes the overtake stick and snatches 2nd. Smooth moves.

Lap 9: Wet track bonus – basic as fuck tire cooling system! The top 4 drivers are intentionally driving into the puddles on the edge of the track to bring their tire temperatures down. Genius.

Lap 13: Oh Kvyat tried a grand gesture on Rosberg but runs wide and ends up behind his teammate who then goes all carpe diem and gets ahead of Rosberg and up into 2nd.
Raikkonen is PISSED OFF about something. That’s the closest thing I’ve heard to the Fin yelling over team radio. He’s in 9th behind Verstappen and Sainz.
Lap 14: Sainz will not leave Raikkonen well enough alone in their game of leapfrog. Raikkonen is ahead of him but Sainz is attempting to overtake every chance he gets

Lap 15: Raikkonen and Verstappen engaging in a lovely wheel to wheel dance.

RICCIARDO LEADS THE US GRAND PRIX! What a bloody legend.

Lap 16: Rosberg has decided to give it a red hot go on Hamilton. Can’t make it stick.

Classic fucking Raikkonen team radio.

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Masterclass in sass.

Lap 17: Verstappen is like “ciao bitches” and overtakes Vettel to steal 6th but totally over cooks it and loses the place.
Lap 18: WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW WITH ROSBERG AND HAMILTON?! Battle royal between the two Mercs with Rosberg emerging victorious. Hamilton pits. Now that’s racing!

Lap 20: Hamilton is now in 4th due to some well timed pit stops by Red Bull.
Raikkonen is beached in the gravel.
Raikkonen is free of the gravel!
Forgets that this is Formula One, assumes it’s a rally and literally wiggles his way out of the barrier.
Rejoins the race.

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Lap 22: Vettel is now in 5th and closing. Rosberg sails past Ricciardo to lead the Austin GP.

Lap 24: Woop there it is. Vettel takes 4th from Kvyat.
Massa has to retire and Williams are outta here.

Lap 26: Rosberg is putting in fastest lap after fastest lap after fastest lap. Obviously sick to the teeth of always being a princess and never the queen.
Hamilton overtakes Ricciardo to claim 2nd.
My main man Raikkonen has been told to retire due to overheating breaks. Valiant effort you beautiful Finnish bastard.

Lap 27: Ericsson’s car has gone kaput on the side of the road. Safety car deployed coz he can’t do shit with no power and needs to get a tow.

Lap 32: There is a big ol’ bunch of cars up behind the safety car as we go racing again!
Vettel is now 4th and goes through the corners next to Ricciardo, tries for 3rd but can’t hold it.

Lap 34: Vettel swoops on Ricciardo again and makes it stick this time.
Verstappen is the Toro Rosso amongst the Red Bulls as he sneaks through to 5th and Hulkenberg manages 6th ahead of Kvyat.

Lap 35: Verstappen has gone past Ricciardo who now has Hulkenberg for company in a scrap for 5th.

Lap 36: Hulkenberg and Ricciardo collide and the Force India comes off worse and is undoubtedly out of the race.

Lap 37: Ricciardo definitely has damage to his car and appears to be losing places as he attempts to continue.

Lap 38: And now for something completely different – Virtual Safety Car!

Lap 39: Safety car ends, racing resumes.

Lap 40: Alonso has overtaken someone and is now in 6th!!! Behind teammate Button who is in 5th!!!!!
Ahead is Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid in 4th, Rosberg in 3rd Vettel in 2nd and Hamilton leading once again.

Lap 42: We are back to having a Mercedes 1-2 as Rosberg overtakes Vettel.

Lap 43: Oh crap that is a big shunt for Kvyat who is a-okay but out of the Grand Prix.

Safety car.
Drink.

Lap 44: Vettel pits after much speculation that he would go to the end on his previous set of tires but that theory is shot to shit and he rejoins in 4th behind Verstappen.
Hamilton also pits which gives Rosberg the lead.

Lap 47: We are racing yet again with 10 laps to go.
Rosberg nails the restart and keeps his lead.
Scrap, scrap, scrappy between Verstappen and Vettel with the Ferrari succeeding and moving back up into 3rd.

Lap 48: Alonso is in 5th!!!!!
The lead has gone to Hamilton as Rosberg does a slips ‘n’ slide off the track. Don’t go handing world championships to your teammate!

Lap 50: Button just overtook two cars in one go? Then overtook his teammate? WHAT IS THIS GLORIOUS DISPLAY OF  RACING I SEE?

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Lap 52: Balls. Alonso over team radio saying he has lost power. Told to stay out as he is still in the points to which Alonso replies “Okay, but if we’re not in the points I come in” GIVE THE MAN A MEDAL FOR HIS TEAM RADIO THIS YEAR it’s priceless.

Lap 54: Sainz gets ahead of Button to gain 6th but may have a 10 second penalty from earlier.

Lap 55: Not one to count my chickens before they hatch but this looks like it’s all over red rover as Hamilton is within reach of the drivers world championship for 2015. Imagine if he fucked it up? A girl can dream.

Lap 56: Vettel is NOT giving up on trying to steal 2nd from Rosberg but can’t get the job done as Hamilton crosses the line to be crowned the winner of winners with his teammate Rosberg winding up playing second fiddle once more.

Here’s how we ended the Austin GP…

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For reals though, big ups to Lewis Hamilton on his third championship title. That is no mean feat and he has some serious talent behind the wheel.

However, NICO ROSBERG IS THE ANGRIEST MAN IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. Not a smile is to be seen within a mile of that man’s face. My money is on Nico getting shitfaced tonight and potentially punching someone or something in the face. Just sayin’.

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Well that’s it for the U S of A and kind of for the season in a way but I’ll be back for the south of the boarder special down Mexico way.

Night y’all!

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Alice live blogs the Russian GP.

Well hello there Sochi!

I would make a joke about Soviet Russia or Vladimir Putin but I’m scared of the KGB.

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Rosberg is on pole this evening which is super exciting I guess? Unless Hamilton gets the jump on him and then it’s basically just another one horse race.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: Rosberg holds his lead but has to fight off Hamilton.
Crash at turn two! Hulkenburg spins and Ericsson runs into him.
Raikkonen gets ahead of Bottas AND Vettel.

The safety car is out. As is Hulkenburg and Ericsson.

Verstappen has a puncture, either from contact or debris from the crash.

Lap 3: The safety car is in and we are racing again!
Bottas overtakes Raikkonen.
Nasr overtakes Button.

Lap 5: Oh no Rosberg is saying over team radio that his throttle pedal is sticking or stuck. Shiiiiiiiiiiit.

Lap 6: Raikkonen scraps with Vettel and wins! 🎉

Lap 7: We have Mercedes, Mercedes, Williams, Ferrari, Ferrari, Force India, Red Bull, Red Bull. This is like synchronized driving.

Lap 8: BUGGER Rosberg concedes his lead to Hamilton I assume due to his throttle issues. Yeah, he is straight up fucked. Rosberg pulls into the pits and looks to be retiring. He’s out of the car, out of the race and probably out of the championship.

Lap 9: Now for some good news – Raikkonen is in THIRD! Yaaasss.
Maldonado overtakes Button and there are a total of 17 cars still running in the Russian GP.

Lap 11: Sainz overtakes Button for 11th.

Lap 12: The Red Bull’s are going to lock horns in their ongoing scrap for 6th.

HOLY SHIT MASSIVE CRASH.

It’s Grosjean.  Holy hell that is bad. HE IS OKAY!

Lap 13: Safety car is out and the trail of debris is H U G E.
Grosjean has gotten himself out of the car and seems fine and that’s what matters. Potential red flag ahead.

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16 cars left.

Lap 15: They’re trying to fix the barrier where the Lotus hit with duct tape?!?!?! Seriously? What even is this sport?
Hamilton is complaining AS PER USUAL. Apparently the safety car is going too slow…

Lap 16: Safety car in at the end of this lap!

Lap 17: Screw you Vettel for running Raikkonen off the track.
Raikkonen holds.
FUCK YOU VETTEL YOU STUPID SAUERKRAUT.
takes third from Raikkonen.

Lap 18: Amazing racing between Sainz and Ricciardo for 10th! Wheel to wheel, swapping positions through the corners but Ricciardo emerges triumphant!

Raikkonen may have straight line speed and power issues. #PrayForKimi

Lap 23: Hamilton’s lead is now up to 6 seconds so that is boring as shit. Let us now turn our attention to the Vettel v. Bottas scrap slowly unfolding…

Lap 25: Apparently Button has dobbed in Sainz for crossing the white line at the pit entry or exit. Proving once again that if you can’t beat them, snitch!
Yep, Sainz cops a 5 second penalty.

Lap 27: Bottas pits after mounting pressure from Vettel and rejoins in 11th and into the Formula One equivalent of peak hour traffic.

Crofty and Brundel are talking about front wing design in depth. “They look like Christmas trees” and get disturbed in turbulent air. The conclusion: change is needed but not expected. Pretty good summary of the sport really.

Lap 31: Vettel pits and rejoins the race ahead of Bottas. Slow clap it out for the Ferrari pit crew for getting it DONE.

Lap 32: Raikkonen pits in 2.2 seconds ✔
He rejoins wheel to wheel with Bottas!
Bottas gets ahead through the corner.

Fernando Alonso should get some sort of award at the end of the year for outstanding team radio.

Lap 36: FINN ON FINN ACTION.
BOTTAS V. RAIKKONEN IS NOW IN SESSION.
Through the corners it’s the Iceman, then the other Fin Bottas, then the Iceman again and then the other Fin Bottas takes the position and holds it.

Lap 39: Wooo Kvyat and Massa have a bit of a scrap and whoever is in the Marussia really moved out of the way and somewhat off the track.

Lap 42: If Perez ends up on the podium I might just quit F1.
God I HATE Perez.

Massa overtakes homegrown hero Kvyat for 8th.
Maldonado overtakes Button for 11th.

Lap 45: Bottas finally overtakes Ricciardo, moves into clean air and goes hunting for Perez.
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Lap 46: Raikkonen pulls a move on Ricciardo but carries too much speed and runs wide. I’m going to have an aneurysm by the end of this race I can feel it.

🎶Sainz front left break in on fiiiiiire🎶
He runs off the road, spins then attempts to drive the car back to the pits only to have a chunk of the rear wing fall off the car like “NOPE”.
Aaaaaaaaaand we have yet another yellow flag.

15 cars left.

Lap 48: Raikkonen takes 5th from Ricciardo. Cue suspenseful music for the battle for the podium.

Lap 49: OH NO Ricciardo has stopped! Why? What happened? Now he’s out of the race as well.

14 cars left. What is this the freaking Hunger Games of GPs?

THREE LAPS TO GO.
Perez is still in third. WHY?

TWO LAPS TO GO.
And Perez is STILL. IN. THIRD.

THREE WAY SCRAP BETWEEN PEREZ, BOTTAS & RAIKKONEN.

BOTTAS AND RAIKKONEN GET AHEAD OF PEREZ!

YES-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

oh my god.
oh my god.
oh my god.

Raikkonen made a move to overtake Bottas and instead took him out.

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He just handed Perez the podium.

I hate this sport.

Raikkonen is limping that Ferrari home and over the line in 5th.

I love that man.
He went for it and holy shit did it backfire and BREAK MY FUCKING HEART but he took Bottas out in the process and kept his championship points lead.

That’s some Ayrton Senna/Michael Schumacher style brutal brilliance right there.

Yeah so the race is over and it’s Hamilton first (SHOCKING, I KNOW), Vettel second and god damn Perez third.

I hate this sport.

I love this sport.

I want one of those hats.

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So I think I’ve had at least one aneurysm and three strokes during this race.

Damn Russia, you trying to kill me?

Right, I’m going to make like a Ruski and drown myself in a liter of vodka.

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I’m so done.

спасибо

Alice live blogs the Japanese GP.

Good afternoon Suzuka!

I love this race because it’s on in the afternoon here and because it’s technical and usually pretty thrilling.
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Rosberg is on pole but not feeling 100% and Kvyat is okay after doing a flip in quali.

Shout out to the Japanese fans for their AMAZING hats, banners and general support of the sport. You legends.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: Hamilton has taken the lead, Ricciardo and Massa touch. Perez is off the track. Vettel and Bottas overtake Rosberg to put him in 4th followed by Raikkonen.

Lap 2: Puncture town! Massa and Ricciardo both with a blown tire after their contact. Limping into the pits. Perez also with a puncture.

Lap 4: Alonso in the points defending 9th from Sainz but loses the scrap.

Lap 6: Rosberg on the hunt for Bottas and 3rd place.

The McLaren drivers are officially over it. They’re being overtaken left, right and centre and Alonso for one has called it “embarrassing” over team radio. We may lose two world champions out of the sport at the end of this year and that would be a travesty.

Lap 9: Verstappen playing the long game against Nasr trying to take 12th.

Lap 11: Lots of pit stops starting to happen. Those who have pitted we assume are on a three stop strategy. Replay of Ericsson going off the track but he rejoins and it’s all good.

Lap 12: Bottas pits and it looks like this might be a strategy by Williams to attempt to undercut Rosberg! Draaama.

Lap 13: Hulkenberg overtakes Ericsson for 7th.

Lap 14: Vettel pits in 2.2 seconds like damn.

Lap 15: Raikkonen pits, rejoins in 5th. Rosberg told to pit this lap.

Lap 16: Hamilton told to pit this lap. Alonso, Kvyat and Verstappen all battling it out for 11th, 12th and 13th respectively. Currently the most interesting thing happening on track.

Lap 17: Rosberg now hot on the heels of Bottas. Told to “push to attack Bottas to destroy his tires”. That’s brutal.
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Lap 18: Well it may have been brutal but it worked and now Rosberg takes 3rd place.
Kvyat can’t use the overtake button due to reliability issues. I wish I had an overtake button when I’m stuck behind slow walking people hogging the sidewalk.

Lap 21: Verstappen looking very close to Kvyat. Kvyat does the work for Verstappen and pits. Raikkonen now on the tail of Bottas. FIN ON FIN ACTION AHOY!

Lap 23: Alonso defends from Verstappen. Button defends from Ericsson.

Lap 24: Perez overtakes Nasr, takes 14th.
Vettel maintains a 2 second gap ahead of Rosberg.
Replay of Kvyat indulging in some off roading which he really needs to stop doing.

Lap 26: The long game pays off for Verstappen as he overtakes Alonso to claim 10th and get in the points.

Lap 27: We just heard Alonso crack over team radio. Claims that his engine is of “GP 2” standard. He mad.

Lap 28: Raikkonen now playing the long game on Bottas. Long ass pitstop for Sainz as he gets his nose changed – debris on the track from whatever Sainz clipped.

Lap 29: Raikkonen pits and rejoins in 8th, probably looking to go to the end of race on these tires.

Lap 30: Bottas pits but the undercut by Ferrari has worked and Raikkonen gets ahead!
Rosberg pits.

Lap 31: Rosberg has undercut Vettel by pitting early. Vettel pits but rejoins behind the Mercedes in 3rd.

Not much to report. I may have missed a few things because I nipped off to make myself a cup of coffee which gives you an idea of the thrill factor I’m currently experiencing during this race.
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Lap 40: Big scrap for 12th going on between Ericsson, Perez, Button and Kvyat. Kvyat moves up into 14th ahead of Button.

Lap 42: Vettel closes in on Rosberg #PrepareForBattle more like #PrayForBattle

Replay of a big old spin by Stevens in his Marussia. 🎶 Smooooke on the traaaaaack 🎶

Lap 45: Verstappen overtakes teammate Sainz to grab 9th place.

Lap 48: Cars continue to drive around the track at high speed. Here’s the race in emoji form: 🚘🔃🏁

Lap 51: Kvyat overtakes Ericsson, takes 13th and sandwiches him between the two Red Bull drivers.

Lap 52: Nasr has retired? Not sure why though.

So we are on to the final lap and unless something catastrophic happens Hamilton is going to win the Japanese Grand Prix followed by bridesmaid teammate Rosberg then the two Ferarri’s of Vettel and Raikkonen.

Yep, that’s exactly what has happened.

More interestingly Bottas takes 5th, Hulkenberg 6th, the Lotus’ of Grosjean and Maldonado not crashing (there’s a shock) and taking 7th and 8th respectively and the two Toro Rosso’s of Verstappen in 9th and Sainz in 10th. 

Well that race was…okay I guess? Not particularly interesting up front but an honorable mention to the midfield for some sweet scraps and a bit of wheel to wheel action.

Personally I’m looking forward to hearing from Alonso post race because he is PISSED and I love paddock drama.
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See you next time in Russia!

Alice live blogs the Singapore GP

Good evening Singapore you beautiful scoundrel!

We have all the ingredients for one hell of a great grand prix:
– Night race ✔
– No Mercedes on pole ✔
– The boy from Aus on the front row ✔
– Ferrari looking strong ✔

So, in the words of RuPaul…

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LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: We are away clean with the exception of poor Verstappen whose car has refused to take part in the GP.  Everyone holds position.

Lap 2: Vettel starts to stretch his lead and Verstappen gets his Toro Rosso restarted and rejoins the race.

Lap 6: Not much to report at this point but for once that’s a good thing!

Crofty and Brundle describing the Singapore GP as a “sweaty, dehydrated pain” which reminds me a lot of Australian summers so I feel for the drivers.

Lap 8: Button is having a massive struggle with his tyres. Dude can’t catch a break.

Lap 10: We have our first pit stop in the form of Grosjean and speculation mounts about Ricciardo attempting an undercut on Vettel. Speculation is 9/10ths of the sport.

Lap 11: Sainz and Alonso having to wait in pit lane traffic and now it’s on for 13th between Alonso and Grosjean with the latter managing to take the position.

Lap 12: According to Hulkenburg degradation of the super soft tyres is kicking in.

Lap 13: We have contact between Massa and Hulkenburg! Massa tried to stay ahead of Hulkenburg, Nico turned in onto Massa and then said hi to the wall. Everyone is okay but Hulkenburg is out of the race. Virtual safety car and err’body hitting the pits.

Lap 14: Jenson “can’t catch a break” Button is utterly screwed with the wheel nut stuck on a wheel (I think?) 40 second pit stop. Ouch.

Lap 15: Virtual safety car still out with Hamilton and Rosberg moving themselves up to 4th and 5th respectively and running their Mercs on the soft tyre. Lots of debris on track and it looks like the legit safety car is out to deal with it.

Lap 17: Verstappen can unlap himself under the safety car.

Lap 18: Safety car in end of this lap and then shit gets real.

Lap 19: We are away clean and racing once more. Sainz car crapping out temporarily but rejoins.

Lap 20: The gaps between the top three is close as battles appear imminent.

Lap 22: DRS has been enabled once more. Tensions mount!

Lap 23: Hulkenburg gets slapped with a penalty for causing the collision with Massa.

Lap 26: Team radio from Hamilton saying he’s lost power and now Rosberg has overtaken him followed by Kvyat then Bottas! WHOA SINGAPORE, just when I thought things were looking a touch dull…

Lap 28: Vettel has put the peddle to the metal and made a break for it.

Lap 30: Massa has also suffered a “neutral” so the conspiracy theories can commence! Apparently metro lines run under the GP circuit and they MAY fuck with the million dollar technology in these cars.
Massa serves a non existant drive through penalty?! He looks to be trying to restart the car as he rolls through the pits? Car appears to be working again? Oh nope, Massa told to retire. He’s out as well 😦

Lap 31: Raikkonen told to give it all he’s got. SISU YOU BEAUTIFUL FINNISH KING!

Lap 32: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid is up into 11th! Get in the points son!

Lap 33: Hamilton is 110% done with this race. Retires. Early night for Lewis #NotSoBlessed

Lap 34: Yet ANOTHER crappy pit stop, this time for Kvyat and Alonso has retired seemly out of absolutely no where?! What the hell?

Lap 35: This shall hence forth be know as the race of “the phantom neutral” as apparently that’s what happened to Alonso as well. Sounds like an Avengers movie.

Lap 36: Verstappen now in 8th and Perez overtakes Grosjean to put himself in 9th.

Lap 37: Safety car deployed and we don’t know why and OH MY GOD THERE IS A PERSON ON THE FUCKING TRACK. THEY ARE JUST WANDERING CASUALLY DOWN THE FUCKING TRACK.

Singapore you need to calm your tits this is beyond mental.

Err’body pits again. Err’body bunched up.

We this race is obviously going to hit the 2 hour time limit and we are not getting the full 61 laps. Rossi wont fucking unlap himself and now we have to restart with him in the goddamn middle of the top 3.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Lap 41: Raikkonen gets past Rossi and FINALLY Rossi moves out of the goddamn way and into the runoff area.
CONTACT! Button and Grosjean touch and Button comes off worse and is forced to pit. Worst race of Button’s career? Probably up there.

Lap 44: DRS enabled again. I’m probably going to be holding my breath for the next 30 minutes.

Lap 45: Scraps ahoy for Grosjean, Verstappen and Sainz for 8th position.

Lap 46: Clean overtake by Verstappen on Grosjean to put himself from stone last to 8th.

Lap 47: Sainz follows suit and overstakes Grosjean. Albeit potentially illegally.  Crofty and Brundle say “Fuck it, let him have it” except in a more dignified, British way.

Commentators think Lap 59 will be the cut off point for this race which leaves us with 8 laps to go.

Lap 53: McLaren have pulled the plug on Button’s race. He may be disappointed but potentially relieved. Properly shit race for the world champion.

Lap 54: Nasr takes 11th from Maldonado

Lap 55: Ericsson follows his teammates lead and overtakes Maldonado as well.

Sweet jesus this is a long race.

Apparently we are going to the full 61 laps.

Lap 60: Nasr puts himself into 10th and into the points.
Oh Verstappen has been told to give the position back to teammate Sainz and the team recieves an emphatic “NO!” from the 17 year old. #TeenAngst

Lap 61: SUPRISE! Another car retires. This time it’s Grosjean.

Vettel wins the Singapore Grand Prix! Followed by Ricciardo and Raikkonen (best podium of the season so far).

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Well that race sure was something. I’m not sure what exactly is was but it was definitely something.

Some race stats from Singapore*:
# of saftey cars: 2
# of virtual saftey cars: 1
# of random people on the track: 1
# of “phantom neutrals”: 1 thousand
# of botched pit stops: 1 million
*statistics may not be entirely accurate.

KIMI PODIUM! WOOP!

Night y’all.
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Alice live blogs the Belgium GP

Good afternoon Belgium! What a beautiful sight Spa is after summer break. Glad all the driver had a nice time relaxing and partying with pop stars while the rest of us have been having withdrawals.

We ought to rename this race “Penalty Central” since err’body (Grosjean, Raikkonen, Verstappen, Alonso and Button) has moved up and down the grid before the race even kicks off.

ALSO: NEW START PROCEDURE! Anybody else hearing Highway to the Danger Zone playing in their head when they think about how this is going to go down?

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Formation lap drama! Wow we are starting early with the complications today. Hulkenburg losing power and told to pit…now being told not to pit. Oh shiiiiiiit. Aborted start.

Jesus now Sainz has lost power! At this rate were going to do this whole race as a formation lap and with, like, 10 cars.

LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO

Lap 1: What the fuck Perez is in SECOND?! Ricciardo third and Bottas fourth ahead of Rosberg?! Damn.

Lap 2: Rosberg takes Bottas and now has Vettel on his rear. Maldonado looks like his race is all over red rover.

Lap 4: Verstappen takes Ericsson and Sainz car totally craps out? Maybe not, maybe he just pulled over to let the others through. Good guy Sainz.

Lap 5: Raikkonen takes Ericsson, continues to fight to hold on to his title of “King of Spa”. Make it happen Kimi.

Ad breaks. What is this, fucking amature hour, Channel 10?

Lap 7: We are back people! Fucking Perez is still in second.

Lap 8: Ricciardo pits early. Begin speculation as to why! Grosjean has overtaken Bottas?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???

Lap 9: Perez pits but comes out in 10th so Ricciardo has managed the undercut.

Lap 10: Bunch of cars pit. Grosjean, Massa and a few other people who’s names I missed. Grosjean overtakes Bottas AGAIN.

Lap 11: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid has balls of steal going around the outside of Blanchimont to overtake Ericsson.

Lap 13: Rosberg comes out of the pits ahead or Perez, gets challenged by Perez but stays in front and holds third. Thank christ.

Lap 14: Hamilton pits and rejoins behind Vettel who now currently leads the Belgium GP.

Lap 15: Vettel pits and I get an ad break. Rude.

Lap 16: Okay someone at Channel 10 is getting fired. There is currently TWO sets of commentary going on right now during the broadcast and it sounds like the most jumbled piece of Satan speak I’ve ever heard. I think they’re trying to tell me that Bottas has served his drive through penalty for having mix-n-match tires put on his car during his latest pit stop but honestly they could be telling me about the weather in Azerbaijan. What a clusterfuck. This is what happens when you don’t pay Crofty and Brundle to do your commentary.

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Lap 19: Rant over. Satan has gone home and we are back. Battle for 7th consists of Kvyat, Massa and Raikkonen.

Lap 20: Grosjean overtakes Perez and neither of them crash into the other which is both surprising and disappointing.

Lap 21: NO GOD WHY Ricciardo’s Red Bull has given up entirely. Total failure in every sense. Virtual safety car deployed. So too are the ad breaks.

Lap 23: Apparently the virtual safety car is in and the clouds are gathering.

Lap 29: The most interesting thing that’s happened in the last six laps in that Kvyat has overtaken Bottas to take 9th.

Lap 31: Hamilton pits, drops to 2nd. Rosberg to pit at the end of the lap anyway.

Lap 32: Rosberg drops back into 2nd after his pit stop and Nasr over takes Alonso, takes 12th.

Lap 35: Sainz Toro Rosso has officially crapped out for reals this time. 16 cars left in the Belgium GP.

Lap 37: Kvyat overtakes Raikkonen to steal 7th and hunts down Massa and Perez ahead.

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Lap 39: Kvyat is hot on Massa’s heals and Grosjean is going to have a go at Vettel. Verstappen overtakes Bottas.

Lap 40: Ever so slightly messy overtake by Kvyat on Massa but hey, he gets the job done and takes 6th.

Lap 41: Clean as fuck overtake by Kvyat on Perez to move himself up into 5th.

WOAH GOODBYE TIRE on Vettel’s Ferarri! Spontaneous combustion. Gonna call that as a fuck up by Ferrari only this time for Seb instead of Kimi (for once). THANKS FOR HANDING GROSJEAN THE PODIUM GUYS. They left Vettel out on those tires for a lap too long.

Last lap and Verstappen tries to pull a move on Raikkonen but screws it up, goes sideways and loses the place. Eat it.

Yeah cool checkered flag and SURPRISE SURPRISE Hamilton wins followed by Mercedes lesser loved child Rosberg and then bloody Grosjean is on the podium in third.

Honorable mention goes to Raikkonen because he’s the king of Spa and he made up 10 places whilst getting next to no love from the commentators.

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Christ almighty those trophy shields are shiny. They’re basically mirrors with a sea shell in the centre. Hamilton, Rosberg and Grosjean and now inducted into the narcissistic mermaids association with those things.

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I’m so done with you right now Spa, you beautiful bastard.

Alice live blogs the Hungarian GP

Welcome to Hungary pals.

A powerful reminder this evening of what these lads are willing to sacrifice in the name of sport and entertainment as we honour the passing of the beautiful and talented Jules Bianchi.

The difficult task now lies with the boys to put thoughts of Jules out of their minds and focus on the race ahead.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWA-

Nope. Sorry. False start. We’re doing “formation lap: the sequel”.
Apparently Massa’s Williams was out of position and now he’s probably going to be in the naughty corner at some point during the race.

LIGHTS OUT AND for reals this time AWAY WE GO!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS WE HAVE FERRARIS IN THE LEAD!

Vettel in the lead followed by Raikkonen.
VETTEL.
RAIKKONEN.
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

HAMILTON HAS GONE OFF THE TRACK and blames Rosberg as per usual. Awful start by my homeboy Ricciardo unfortunately.

Okay so, I missed a couple of laps out of pure elation but I’m back now.

Lap 7: Vettel still leads from Raikkonen followed by Rosberg. Hulkenberg is holding 5th followed by the two Red Bulls. Perez is in 8th and Massa is now defending 9th from Hamilton who can only manage 10th.

Lap 11: Hamilton has taken 9th from Massa via some bumper car style overtaking. Valiant job by Massa defending the crap out of that place for as long as he could.

Lap 12: Kyvat is pissed about team orders to let Ricciardo through. Red Bull: we like to repeat history.

Lap 13: Hamilton has now managed to get past Perez without incident. For once I would have been happy to see Perez run into someone but alas…

Lap 14: Bottas has been released into traffic and 16th place after his pit stop and now he’s wedged between Maldonado and Ericsson.

Lap 16: These pitstops are a bit of a shit-shambles.

Lap 18: Something has come off Raikkonen’s car. Looks like part of the wing. Commentators think it’s actually the camera mount.

Lap 19: Perez and Maldonado do what they do best and get involved in a bit of a crash. Nothing serious, they rejoin the race.

Lap 21: Rosberg pits. Drama free.

Lap 22: Vettel pits. Drama free. Raikkonen leads.
Ricciardo pits and rejoins in 4th just ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 23: Raikkonen pits. Drama free.

Lap 24: Battle commences between Ricciardo and Hamilton! Ricciardo doing all Australians proud by defending Hamilton like a champion.

Lap 28: Nasr vs Massa for 16th. It’s the battle of the Filipe’s.

Lap 29: Hamilton takes 4th from Ricciardo. God dammit.

Not much to report. This is like the come down from an epic high. Kind of bored, kind of grouchy, waiting for the next hit of excitement…

Lap 37: Rosberg being told to go faster. Apparently he doesn’t get a choice in tyre unless he gets a move along. I can only assume that Rosberg isn’t psyched on this news considering he’s ahead of his teammate but not getting priority treatment.

Lap 40: Nice battle unfolding between Bottas, Hulkenberg and Kvyat. 

Lap 42: Raikkonen thinks he has an issue with his engine. DO NOT BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS FERRARI.

Lap 43: Hulkenberg has a rather large crash into the tyre barrier and the virtual safety car has been deployed. Debris on the track.
Woah the replay shows Hulkenberg’s front wing literally just fell off his Force India.

Safety car is out. FUCK.
Raikkonen has lost his kinetic motor, meaning he can still race but with seriously compromised performance. DOUBLE FUCK.

I have completely covered the entire range of emotions known to human kind throughout this race and we’re only on lap 46. This sport will potentially be the death of me.

Safety car in this lap.

Here we go again…

Vettel holds the lead, Rosberg takes 2nd from Raikkonen. Hamilton hits Ricciardo like a dick. Bottas gets a puncture. Ricciardo in his damaged Red Bull rolls past Raikkonen to take 3rd.

Hamilton has to suck on a drive through penalty for crashing into my homeboy Ricciardo. Sorry not sorry.

Lap 53: KIMI RAIKKONEN, KING OF ALL DRIVERS, PULLS INTO THE PITS, RESTARTS HIS FERRARI AND REJOINS THE RACE BECAUSE KIMI IS THE EMBODIMENT OF SISU.
aaaaaaaaand that noble act didn’t fix shit so I’m going to cry.

Lap 56: Raikkonen has retired. I give up. I am so done.

Lap 58: Vettel, Rosberg and Ricciardo are all in it to win it. I’m cheering for all of them at this point. Mostly Ricciardo. Go you good thing.

Lap 62: Sainz retires from the Hungarian GP.

Lap 64: RICCIARDO AND ROSBERG COLLIDE! Ricciardo damages his front wing and Rosberg has one hell of a puncture.

Holy hell this race is a kaleidoscope of drama. If you meet a Hungarian please shake there hand for me. Most epic race of the season by far.

Vettel crosses the line to win the Hungarian Grand Prix followed by KYVAT AND RICCIARDO. I’m not even mad, I’m simply stunned.

Seriously, what the hell just happened…

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You know what, I think Jules would have loved that kind of race and just maybe he blessed us with one hell of a show.

Alice live blogs the Hungarian GP

Welcome to Hungary pals.

A powerful reminder this evening of what these lads are willing to sacrifice in the name of sport and entertainment as we honour the passing of the beautiful and talented Jules Bianchi.

The difficult task now lies with the boys to put thoughts of Jules out of their minds and focus on the race ahead.

LIGHTS OUT AND AWA-

Nope. Sorry. False start. We’re doing “formation lap: the sequel”.
Apparently Massa’s Williams was out of position and now he’s probably going to be in the naughty corner at some point during the race.

LIGHTS OUT AND for reals this time AWAY WE GO!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS WE HAVE FERRARIS IN THE LEAD!

Vettel in the lead followed by Raikkonen.
VETTEL.
RAIKKONEN.
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

HAMILTON HAS GONE OFF THE TRACK and blames Rosberg as per usual. Awful start by my homeboy Ricciardo unfortunately.

Okay so, I missed a couple of laps out of pure elation but I’m back now.

Lap 7: Vettel still leads from Raikkonen followed by Rosberg. Hulkenberg is holding 5th followed by the two Red Bulls. Perez is in 8th and Massa is now defending 9th from Hamilton who can only manage 10th.

Lap 11: Hamilton has taken 9th from Massa via some bumper car style overtaking. Valiant job by Massa defending the crap out of that place for as long as he could.

Lap 12: Kyvat is pissed about team orders to let Ricciardo through. Red Bull: we like to repeat history.

Lap 13: Hamilton has now managed to get past Perez without incident. For once I would have been happy to see Perez run into someone but alas…

Lap 14: Bottas has been released into traffic and 16th place after his pit stop and now he’s wedged between Maldonado and Ericsson.

Lap 16: These pitstops are a bit of a shit-shambles.

Lap 18: Something has come off Raikkonen’s car. Looks like part of the wing. Commentators think it’s actually the camera mount.

Lap 19: Perez and Maldonado do what they do best and gets involved in a bit of a crash. Nothing serious, rejoins the race.

Lap 21: Rosberg pits. Drama free.

Lap 22: Vettel pits. Drama free. Raikkonen leads.
Ricciardo pits and rejoins in 4th just ahead of Hamilton.

Lap 23: Raikkonen pits. Drama free.

Lap 24: Battle commences between Ricciardo and Hamilton! Ricciardo doing all Australians proud by defending Hamilton like a champion.

Lap 28: Nasr vs Massa for 16th. It’s the battle of the Filipe’s.

Lap 29: Hamilton takes 4th from Ricciardo. God dammit.

Not much to report. This is like the come down from an epic high. Kind of bored, kind of grouchy, waiting for the next hit of excitement…

Lap 37: Rosberg being told to go faster. Apparently he doesn’t get a choice in tyre unless he gets a move along. I can only assume that Rosberg isn’t psyched on this news considering he’s ahead of his teammate but not getting priority treatment.

Lap 40: Nice battle unfolding between Bottas, Hulkenberg and Kvyat. 

Lap 42: Raikkonen thinks he has an issue with his engine. DO NOT BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS FERRARI.

Lap 43: Hulkenberg has a rather large crash into the tyre barrier and the virtual safety car has been deployed. Debris on the track.
Woah the replay shows Hulkenberg’s front wing literally just fell off his Force India.

Safety car is out. FUCK.
Raikkonen has lost his kinetic motor, meaning he can still race but with seriously compromised performance. DOUBLE FUCK.

I have completely covered the entire range of emotions known to human kind throughout this race and we’re only on lap 46. This sport will potentially be the death of me.

Safety car in this lap.

Here we go again…

Vettel holds the lead, Rosberg takes 2nd from Raikkonen. Hamilton hits Ricciardo like a dick. Bottas gets a puncture. Ricciardo in his damaged Red Bull rolls past Raikkonen to take 3rd.

Hamilton has to suck on a drive through penalty for crashing into my homeboy Ricciardo. Sorry not sorry.

Lap 53: KIMI RAIKKONEN, KING OF ALL DRIVERS, PULLS INTO THE PITS, RESTARTS HIS FERRARI AND REJOINS THE RACE BECAUSE KIMI IS THE EMBODIMENT OF SISU.
aaaaaaaaand that noble act didn’t fix shit so I’m going to cry.

Lap 56: Raikkonen has retired. I give up. I am so done.

Lap 58: Vettel, Rosberg and Ricciardo are all in it to win it. I’m cheering for all of them at this point. Mostly Ricciardo. Go you good thing.

Lap 62: Sainz retires from the Hungarian GP.

Lap 64: RICCIARDO AND ROSBERG COLLIDE! Ricciardo damages his front wing and Rosberg has one hell of a puncture.

Holy hell this race is a kaleidoscope of drama. If you meet a Hungarian please shake there hand for me. Most epic race of the season by far.

Vettel crosses the line to win the Hungarian Grand Prix followed by KYVAT AND RICCIARDO. I’m not even mad, I’m simply stunned.

Seriously, what the hell just happened…

image

You know what, I think Jules would have loved that kind of race and just maybe he blessed us with one hell of a show.