Alice live blogs the Bahrain GP.

What up Bahrain?

The first night race of the season and we all know that shit gets freaky when the sun goes down.

No Alonso tonight after his massive shunt in Australia but let’s see how the new kid on the block grid holds up.

Vettel’s Ferrari is in a world of NOPE right now. We’re on the formation lap and Vettel’s car is billowing smoke. Could be worse, you car could be on fire…oh wait…

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LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!!!

Lap 1: Oh kasmashy in the first corner! Not a big one but Bottas in the Williams and Hamilton in the Mercedes have made contact and lost chunks of their cars.
Rosberg leads followed by the Williams of Massa and Bottas then Ricciardo in the Red Bull and the Ferrari of Ra-Ra-Raikkonen.

Lap 2: Perez and Sainz connect with the Toro Rosso of Sainz receiving a puncture as a result. 

Something happened to Perez but I missed it.

Lap 5: Hamilton is 6th behind Raikkonen who is on the tail of Ricciardo.

Lap 6: Massive lockup by Ricciardo which allows Raikkonen to overtake and move up into 4th.

Lap 7: Breif Finn on Finn action as Raikkonen overtakes Bottas. That shit was clean.

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Tragedy for the James Bond of F1; Jenson Button, in the McLaren. He gonna retire. Even Alonso looks pained to see this and that guy had a collapsed lung.

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Lap 9: Hamilton has moved up into 3rd ahead of Bottas who pits onto mediums and is now the proud owner of a drive through penalty.

Lap 10: Massa overtakes Nasr. Say that 10 times fast.

Gutierrez is out. Bye friend.

Lap 11: Vandoorne is not fucking around. He may be new but he is mighty in his McLaren. Takes 13th ahead of Force India’s Hulkenberg.

Lap 13: Zero fucks given by Iceman Raikkonen who overtakes Massa AND Riccardo is silky smooth moves to pop himself back up into 3rd after his pitstop.

Lap 14: Raikkonen is overtaking LIKE A BOSS. Casually cruises by Kvyat to claim 2nd.

Lap 15: Hamilton did the thing, is now in 4th behind Ricciardo.

Lap 16: Sweet wheel to wheel racing between Massa and Kvyat through the corners with Massa coming out victorious to claim 5th.

Lap 17: Hamilton overtakes Ricciardo to put himself in the podium position of 3rd for now.

A Haas has overtaken a Williams.
Grosjean has overtaken Massa.
Let that sink in.

There is literally so much craziness going on right now that I am struggling to type fast enough to keep up which is ACTUALLY FUCKING FANTASTIC because it means there’s lots of overtaking and good racing happening.

All this with only 18 cars still in the race.

Yeah we lost Palmer towards the start of the race which I think I failed to mention but there you go.

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Lap 20: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid overtakes Massa to take 6th.

Lap 21: Kvyat does a one, two overtake on the Saubers of Nasr and Ericsson to pop himself into the points in 10th.

Lap 23: Guys, guys, guys, guys…Grosjean is really close to Ricciardo right now. The Haas. Is on the tail. Of the Red Bull. WTF.

Lap 24: HE’S OVERTAKEN HIM?!?! GROSJEAN HAS OVERTAKEN RICCIARDO?!?! FOR 4TH PLACE?!?!

Lap 27: Ricciardo takes 8th from Bottas after a pitstop.

Lap 28: Kvyat and Ricciardo do the old switch-a-roo moving the latter into 5th

Lap 29: Bottas is gonna have a bad time if this keeps up. Grosjean AND Verstappen overtake him for 7th and 8th respectively.

Lap 31: Crappy pitstop for Rosberg but it makes next to no impact on his lead.

Another one bites the dust with Sainz retiring.

Lap 33: Grosjean keeps overtaking Red Bulls like it’s his freaking mission statement in life. Knocks Kvyat out of 5th position.

Lap 34: Magnussen has managed to get his Renault past the Force India of Perez.

Lap 35: THERE’S A MCLAREN IN BETWEEN TWO WILLIAMS! AND IN THE POINTS!!!

There are Marussias in the mix, a McLaren in the points, Haas is kicking ass, Hamilton isn’t leading…

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Lap 41: Grosjean’s pitstop was not ideal. Still manages to rejoin the race in 8th ahead of Vandoorne.

God I miss team radio. Why did they have to go and restrictions the comedy gold that is team radio? Stupid FIA making stupid rules.

Lap 45: Oh some nice scrappy fighting between Magnussen and Nasr through the corners with the Renault taking 12th.

Lap 46: Grosjean overtakes Massa because that’s what happens now apparently.

Okay not to get ahead of myself but there are 10 laps to go and Kimchi Raikkonen appears to have a firm hold on 2nd. We might just have a Kimi podium here people. Get amongst it.

Lap 50: There are some GOOD scraps happening through mid field. Magnussen and Ericsson: the battle of the esses through the esses.

Lap 51: Kvyat and Bottas battling wheel to wheel like it’s nobody’s business through the turns. It’s Kvyat, then Bottas, then Kvyat makes it stick for 7th.

Lap 52: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid overtakes Massa for 6th.

5 LAPS TO GO PEOPLE.

Lap 56: Brundle describes driving Wehlein’s Marussia “like wrestling with an octopus” which I feel deserves an honorable mention.

FINAL LAP.

Lap 57: Kvyat gets the job done on Massa to steal 7th. Once again proving it ain’t over until it’s over.

Rosberg wins the Bahrain GP followed by Ra-Ra-Raikkonen then Hamilton.

Here’s how the rest of the field finished up:

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The amusing part is that Kimi is on a podium where the “champagne” is actually just rose water. He’s seems psyched.

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Honorable mention goes to Vandoorne for getting McLaren’s first points of the season and can’t you just taste the irony. 

That was a damn good race in my “professional” opinion. Let’s keep it up.

See you in China!

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