Well hello there Sochi!
I would make a joke about Soviet Russia or Vladimir Putin but I’m scared of the KGB.
Rosberg is on pole this evening which is super exciting I guess? Unless Hamilton gets the jump on him and then it’s basically just another one horse race.
LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!
Lap 1: Rosberg holds his lead but has to fight off Hamilton.
Crash at turn two! Hulkenburg spins and Ericsson runs into him.
Raikkonen gets ahead of Bottas AND Vettel.
The safety car is out. As is Hulkenburg and Ericsson.
Verstappen has a puncture, either from contact or debris from the crash.
Lap 3: The safety car is in and we are racing again!
Bottas overtakes Raikkonen.
Nasr overtakes Button.
Lap 5: Oh no Rosberg is saying over team radio that his throttle pedal is sticking or stuck. Shiiiiiiiiiiit.
Lap 6: Raikkonen scraps with Vettel and wins! 🎉
Lap 7: We have Mercedes, Mercedes, Williams, Ferrari, Ferrari, Force India, Red Bull, Red Bull. This is like synchronized driving.
Lap 8: BUGGER Rosberg concedes his lead to Hamilton I assume due to his throttle issues. Yeah, he is straight up fucked. Rosberg pulls into the pits and looks to be retiring. He’s out of the car, out of the race and probably out of the championship.
Lap 9: Now for some good news – Raikkonen is in THIRD! Yaaasss.
Maldonado overtakes Button and there are a total of 17 cars still running in the Russian GP.
Lap 11: Sainz overtakes Button for 11th.
Lap 12: The Red Bull’s are going to lock horns in their ongoing scrap for 6th.
HOLY SHIT MASSIVE CRASH.
It’s Grosjean. Holy hell that is bad. HE IS OKAY!
Lap 13: Safety car is out and the trail of debris is H U G E.
Grosjean has gotten himself out of the car and seems fine and that’s what matters. Potential red flag ahead.
16 cars left.
Lap 15: They’re trying to fix the barrier where the Lotus hit with duct tape?!?!?! Seriously? What even is this sport?
Hamilton is complaining AS PER USUAL. Apparently the safety car is going too slow…
Lap 16: Safety car in at the end of this lap!
Lap 17: Screw you Vettel for running Raikkonen off the track.
FUCK YOU VETTEL YOU STUPID SAUERKRAUT.
takes third from Raikkonen.
Lap 18: Amazing racing between Sainz and Ricciardo for 10th! Wheel to wheel, swapping positions through the corners but Ricciardo emerges triumphant!
Raikkonen may have straight line speed and power issues. #PrayForKimi
Lap 23: Hamilton’s lead is now up to 6 seconds so that is boring as shit. Let us now turn our attention to the Vettel v. Bottas scrap slowly unfolding…
Lap 25: Apparently Button has dobbed in Sainz for crossing the white line at the pit entry or exit. Proving once again that if you can’t beat them, snitch!
Yep, Sainz cops a 5 second penalty.
Lap 27: Bottas pits after mounting pressure from Vettel and rejoins in 11th and into the Formula One equivalent of peak hour traffic.
Crofty and Brundel are talking about front wing design in depth. “They look like Christmas trees” and get disturbed in turbulent air. The conclusion: change is needed but not expected. Pretty good summary of the sport really.
Lap 31: Vettel pits and rejoins the race ahead of Bottas. Slow clap it out for the Ferrari pit crew for getting it DONE.
Lap 32: Raikkonen pits in 2.2 seconds ✔
He rejoins wheel to wheel with Bottas!
Bottas gets ahead through the corner.
Fernando Alonso should get some sort of award at the end of the year for outstanding team radio.
Lap 36: FINN ON FINN ACTION.
BOTTAS V. RAIKKONEN IS NOW IN SESSION.
Through the corners it’s the Iceman, then
the other Fin Bottas, then the Iceman again and then the other Fin Bottas takes the position and holds it.
Lap 39: Wooo Kvyat and Massa have a bit of a scrap and whoever is in the Marussia really moved out of the way and somewhat off the track.
Lap 42: If Perez ends up on the podium I might just quit F1.
God I HATE Perez.
Massa overtakes homegrown hero Kvyat for 8th.
Maldonado overtakes Button for 11th.
Lap 46: Raikkonen pulls a move on Ricciardo but carries too much speed and runs wide. I’m going to have an aneurysm by the end of this race I can feel it.
🎶Sainz front left break in on fiiiiiire🎶
He runs off the road, spins then attempts to drive the car back to the pits only to have a chunk of the rear wing fall off the car like “NOPE”.
Aaaaaaaaaand we have yet another yellow flag.
15 cars left.
Lap 48: Raikkonen takes 5th from Ricciardo. Cue suspenseful music for the battle for the podium.
Lap 49: OH NO Ricciardo has stopped! Why? What happened? Now he’s out of the race as well.
14 cars left. What is this the freaking Hunger Games of GPs?
THREE LAPS TO GO.
Perez is still in third. WHY?
TWO LAPS TO GO.
And Perez is STILL. IN. THIRD.
THREE WAY SCRAP BETWEEN PEREZ, BOTTAS & RAIKKONEN.
BOTTAS AND RAIKKONEN GET AHEAD OF PEREZ!
oh my god.
oh my god.
oh my god.
Raikkonen made a move to overtake Bottas and instead took him out.
He just handed Perez the podium.
I hate this sport.
Raikkonen is limping that Ferrari home and over the line in 5th.
I love that man.
He went for it and holy shit did it backfire and BREAK MY FUCKING HEART but he took Bottas out in the process and kept his championship points lead.
That’s some Ayrton Senna/Michael Schumacher style brutal brilliance right there.
Yeah so the race is over and it’s Hamilton first (SHOCKING, I KNOW), Vettel second and god damn Perez third.
I hate this sport.
I love this sport.
I want one of those hats.
So I think I’ve had at least one aneurysm and three strokes during this race.
Damn Russia, you trying to kill me?
Right, I’m going to make like a Ruski and drown myself in a liter of vodka.
I’m so done.