Alice live blogs the Singapore GP

Good evening Singapore you beautiful scoundrel!

We have all the ingredients for one hell of a great grand prix:
– Night race ✔
– No Mercedes on pole ✔
– The boy from Aus on the front row ✔
– Ferrari looking strong ✔

So, in the words of RuPaul…

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LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO!

Lap 1: We are away clean with the exception of poor Verstappen whose car has refused to take part in the GP.  Everyone holds position.

Lap 2: Vettel starts to stretch his lead and Verstappen gets his Toro Rosso restarted and rejoins the race.

Lap 6: Not much to report at this point but for once that’s a good thing!

Crofty and Brundle describing the Singapore GP as a “sweaty, dehydrated pain” which reminds me a lot of Australian summers so I feel for the drivers.

Lap 8: Button is having a massive struggle with his tyres. Dude can’t catch a break.

Lap 10: We have our first pit stop in the form of Grosjean and speculation mounts about Ricciardo attempting an undercut on Vettel. Speculation is 9/10ths of the sport.

Lap 11: Sainz and Alonso having to wait in pit lane traffic and now it’s on for 13th between Alonso and Grosjean with the latter managing to take the position.

Lap 12: According to Hulkenburg degradation of the super soft tyres is kicking in.

Lap 13: We have contact between Massa and Hulkenburg! Massa tried to stay ahead of Hulkenburg, Nico turned in onto Massa and then said hi to the wall. Everyone is okay but Hulkenburg is out of the race. Virtual safety car and err’body hitting the pits.

Lap 14: Jenson “can’t catch a break” Button is utterly screwed with the wheel nut stuck on a wheel (I think?) 40 second pit stop. Ouch.

Lap 15: Virtual safety car still out with Hamilton and Rosberg moving themselves up to 4th and 5th respectively and running their Mercs on the soft tyre. Lots of debris on track and it looks like the legit safety car is out to deal with it.

Lap 17: Verstappen can unlap himself under the safety car.

Lap 18: Safety car in end of this lap and then shit gets real.

Lap 19: We are away clean and racing once more. Sainz car crapping out temporarily but rejoins.

Lap 20: The gaps between the top three is close as battles appear imminent.

Lap 22: DRS has been enabled once more. Tensions mount!

Lap 23: Hulkenburg gets slapped with a penalty for causing the collision with Massa.

Lap 26: Team radio from Hamilton saying he’s lost power and now Rosberg has overtaken him followed by Kvyat then Bottas! WHOA SINGAPORE, just when I thought things were looking a touch dull…

Lap 28: Vettel has put the peddle to the metal and made a break for it.

Lap 30: Massa has also suffered a “neutral” so the conspiracy theories can commence! Apparently metro lines run under the GP circuit and they MAY fuck with the million dollar technology in these cars.
Massa serves a non existant drive through penalty?! He looks to be trying to restart the car as he rolls through the pits? Car appears to be working again? Oh nope, Massa told to retire. He’s out as well 😦

Lap 31: Raikkonen told to give it all he’s got. SISU YOU BEAUTIFUL FINNISH KING!

Lap 32: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid is up into 11th! Get in the points son!

Lap 33: Hamilton is 110% done with this race. Retires. Early night for Lewis #NotSoBlessed

Lap 34: Yet ANOTHER crappy pit stop, this time for Kvyat and Alonso has retired seemly out of absolutely no where?! What the hell?

Lap 35: This shall hence forth be know as the race of “the phantom neutral” as apparently that’s what happened to Alonso as well. Sounds like an Avengers movie.

Lap 36: Verstappen now in 8th and Perez overtakes Grosjean to put himself in 9th.

Lap 37: Safety car deployed and we don’t know why and OH MY GOD THERE IS A PERSON ON THE FUCKING TRACK. THEY ARE JUST WANDERING CASUALLY DOWN THE FUCKING TRACK.

Singapore you need to calm your tits this is beyond mental.

Err’body pits again. Err’body bunched up.

We this race is obviously going to hit the 2 hour time limit and we are not getting the full 61 laps. Rossi wont fucking unlap himself and now we have to restart with him in the goddamn middle of the top 3.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Lap 41: Raikkonen gets past Rossi and FINALLY Rossi moves out of the goddamn way and into the runoff area.
CONTACT! Button and Grosjean touch and Button comes off worse and is forced to pit. Worst race of Button’s career? Probably up there.

Lap 44: DRS enabled again. I’m probably going to be holding my breath for the next 30 minutes.

Lap 45: Scraps ahoy for Grosjean, Verstappen and Sainz for 8th position.

Lap 46: Clean overtake by Verstappen on Grosjean to put himself from stone last to 8th.

Lap 47: Sainz follows suit and overstakes Grosjean. Albeit potentially illegally.  Crofty and Brundle say “Fuck it, let him have it” except in a more dignified, British way.

Commentators think Lap 59 will be the cut off point for this race which leaves us with 8 laps to go.

Lap 53: McLaren have pulled the plug on Button’s race. He may be disappointed but potentially relieved. Properly shit race for the world champion.

Lap 54: Nasr takes 11th from Maldonado

Lap 55: Ericsson follows his teammates lead and overtakes Maldonado as well.

Sweet jesus this is a long race.

Apparently we are going to the full 61 laps.

Lap 60: Nasr puts himself into 10th and into the points.
Oh Verstappen has been told to give the position back to teammate Sainz and the team recieves an emphatic “NO!” from the 17 year old. #TeenAngst

Lap 61: SUPRISE! Another car retires. This time it’s Grosjean.

Vettel wins the Singapore Grand Prix! Followed by Ricciardo and Raikkonen (best podium of the season so far).

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Well that race sure was something. I’m not sure what exactly is was but it was definitely something.

Some race stats from Singapore*:
# of saftey cars: 2
# of virtual saftey cars: 1
# of random people on the track: 1
# of “phantom neutrals”: 1 thousand
# of botched pit stops: 1 million
*statistics may not be entirely accurate.

KIMI PODIUM! WOOP!

Night y’all.
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