Good afternoon Belgium! What a beautiful sight Spa is after summer break. Glad all the driver had a nice time relaxing and partying with pop stars while the rest of us have been having withdrawals.
We ought to rename this race “Penalty Central” since err’body (Grosjean, Raikkonen, Verstappen, Alonso and Button) has moved up and down the grid before the race even kicks off.
ALSO: NEW START PROCEDURE! Anybody else hearing Highway to the Danger Zone playing in their head when they think about how this is going to go down?
Formation lap drama! Wow we are starting early with the complications today. Hulkenburg losing power and told to pit…now being told not to pit. Oh shiiiiiiit. Aborted start.
Jesus now Sainz has lost power! At this rate were going to do this whole race as a formation lap and with, like, 10 cars.
LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO
Lap 1: What the fuck Perez is in SECOND?! Ricciardo third and Bottas fourth ahead of Rosberg?! Damn.
Lap 2: Rosberg takes Bottas and now has Vettel on his rear. Maldonado looks like his race is all over red rover.
Lap 4: Verstappen takes Ericsson and Sainz car totally craps out? Maybe not, maybe he just pulled over to let the others through. Good guy Sainz.
Lap 5: Raikkonen takes Ericsson, continues to fight to hold on to his title of “King of Spa”. Make it happen Kimi.
Ad breaks. What is this, fucking amature hour, Channel 10?
Lap 7: We are back people! Fucking Perez is still in second.
Lap 8: Ricciardo pits early. Begin speculation as to why! Grosjean has overtaken Bottas?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW???
Lap 9: Perez pits but comes out in 10th so Ricciardo has managed the undercut.
Lap 10: Bunch of cars pit. Grosjean, Massa and a few other people who’s names I missed. Grosjean overtakes Bottas AGAIN.
Lap 11: Max Verstappen: Wonder Kid has balls of steal going around the outside of Blanchimont to overtake Ericsson.
Lap 13: Rosberg comes out of the pits ahead or Perez, gets challenged by Perez but stays in front and holds third. Thank christ.
Lap 14: Hamilton pits and rejoins behind Vettel who now currently leads the Belgium GP.
Lap 15: Vettel pits and I get an ad break. Rude.
Lap 16: Okay someone at Channel 10 is getting fired. There is currently TWO sets of commentary going on right now during the broadcast and it sounds like the most jumbled piece of Satan speak I’ve ever heard. I think they’re trying to tell me that Bottas has served his drive through penalty for having mix-n-match tires put on his car during his latest pit stop but honestly they could be telling me about the weather in Azerbaijan. What a clusterfuck. This is what happens when you don’t pay Crofty and Brundle to do your commentary.
Lap 19: Rant over. Satan has gone home and we are back. Battle for 7th consists of Kvyat, Massa and Raikkonen.
Lap 20: Grosjean overtakes Perez and neither of them crash into the other which is both surprising and disappointing.
Lap 21: NO GOD WHY Ricciardo’s Red Bull has given up entirely. Total failure in every sense. Virtual safety car deployed. So too are the ad breaks.
Lap 23: Apparently the virtual safety car is in and the clouds are gathering.
Lap 29: The most interesting thing that’s happened in the last six laps in that Kvyat has overtaken Bottas to take 9th.
Lap 31: Hamilton pits, drops to 2nd. Rosberg to pit at the end of the lap anyway.
Lap 32: Rosberg drops back into 2nd after his pit stop and Nasr over takes Alonso, takes 12th.
Lap 35: Sainz Toro Rosso has officially crapped out for reals this time. 16 cars left in the Belgium GP.
Lap 37: Kvyat overtakes Raikkonen to steal 7th and hunts down Massa and Perez ahead.
Lap 39: Kvyat is hot on Massa’s heals and Grosjean is going to have a go at Vettel. Verstappen overtakes Bottas.
Lap 40: Ever so slightly messy overtake by Kvyat on Massa but hey, he gets the job done and takes 6th.
Lap 41: Clean as fuck overtake by Kvyat on Perez to move himself up into 5th.
WOAH GOODBYE TIRE on Vettel’s Ferarri! Spontaneous combustion. Gonna call that as a fuck up by Ferrari only this time for Seb instead of Kimi (for once). THANKS FOR HANDING GROSJEAN THE PODIUM GUYS. They left Vettel out on those tires for a lap too long.
Last lap and Verstappen tries to pull a move on Raikkonen but screws it up, goes sideways and loses the place. Eat it.
Yeah cool checkered flag and SURPRISE SURPRISE Hamilton wins followed by Mercedes lesser loved child Rosberg and then bloody Grosjean is on the podium in third.
Honorable mention goes to Raikkonen because he’s the king of Spa and he made up 10 places whilst getting next to no love from the commentators.
Christ almighty those trophy shields are shiny. They’re basically mirrors with a sea shell in the centre. Hamilton, Rosberg and Grosjean and now inducted into the narcissistic mermaids association with those things.
I’m so done with you right now Spa, you beautiful bastard.