Well hello there Austria! How are we today? This track is owned by Steven Spielberg. True story (not really).
Niki Lauda’s home race which makes it super prestigious because Niki is king.
We should rename this particular round “Ultra penalty edition” with the two Red Bull drivers each having a 10 grid place penalties and the McLaren drivers receiving a staggering 25 grid place penalty each. Ouch.
LIGHTS OUT AWAY WE GO!!!
Lap 1: Fucking what is going on Rosberg has overtaken Hamilton and OH MY GOD MASSIVE SMASH WITH ALONSO AND RAIKKONEN. Fernando’s McLaren is literally wedged on top of Kimi’s Ferrari. Both drivers are fine! They’re walking away from the spectacular crash together, looking super casual as if they didn’t just destroy millions of dollars worth of aerodynamic, space age machinery.
Obviously the safety car is out.
In the mean time Kvyat has had to change his front nose due to damage from the start and Stevens has retired his Marussia.
Button has pitted his McLaren and wants to go to the end on these tires??
Lap 6: Safety car is in and we are racing again!
Lap 7: Sainz and Grosjean playing bumper cars with each other. More like wheel ON wheel racing.
Lap 9: Pretty sure Button’s plan to go all the way to the end of this race is nothing but a pipe dream because his McLaren is sounding properly broken. It is broken and Button is retiring.
*pause for TV ad break*
Lap 11: Hulkenberg is driving like a beast and Ericsson is being penalized for a jump start.
Lap 13: The drivers are discovering that this circuit is actually a track of oil and ice as everyone is sliding around and off the tarmac. Grosjean, I’m looking at your Lotus.
Lap 15: Bottas in his Williams showing off his mad overtaking skills on Verstappen’s Toro Rosso.
Rosberg still leads from Hamilton. The two Mercedes are both driving well and there isn’t a lot to report from up front. Vettel holds third in his Ferrari from Massa’s Williams. Force India’s Hulkenberg is 5th and Bottas is in 6th.
Lap 23: Ericsson has successfully rebooted his multimillion dollar computer and the Sauber is running again. Albeit in last.
Lap 25: Bottas yet again pulling some sick overtaking moves on Hulkenberg. Moves up into 5th.
Lap 27: Awesome scrap for 12th between Nasr in his Sauber and Grosjean. Grosjean wins after many corners of wheel to wheel racing.
Lap 28: Hulkenberg dives back in front of Bottas and metaphorically flips him off in the process. Hulkenberg’s new soft tire is working beautifully.
Lap 30: Verstappen overtakes Kvyat to claim 10th.
Lap 32: Kvyat is having serious trouble with his unbalanced Red Bull, Grosjean has just overtaken him and he’s not even trying to stop it from happening.
Lap 34: Rosberg has pitted and rejoined in 4th despite a massive lock up in the pit lane entrance.
Lap 36: Bottas and Hulkenberg aren’t done with their battle. Hamilton pits and rejoins back in 2nd. Grosjean does some off road driving.
Lap 37: Vettel’s pit stop adds insult to Ferrari’s injury by being a whopping THIRTEEN SECONDS long thanks to the left rear tire gun not wanting to cooperate. Sainz has retired. Grosjean has retired. There is now a mere 14 cars still running. Hamilton gets a 5 seconds penalty for crossing the pit lane exit line. This race is the literal definition of “a comedy or errors”.
Lap 41: Maldonado gets his Lotus past both Kvyat and Nasr in one swift move, claims 9th.
Lap 47: Perez puts his Force India into 10th ahead of Nasr.
Lap 51: Maldonado takes 8th from Ricciardo’s Red Bull despite Ricciardo doing some valiant defensive driving.
Lap 52: Ricciardo serves his pit stop penalty and rejoins in 11th with a set of fresh baked tires.
Lap 56: Impending battle between Massa and Vettel for third with the Ferrari steadily gaining on the Williams.
Lap 61: Ricciardo takes 10th from Nasr to put himself back in the points.
Lap 63: Scraps ahoy for Verstappen in 7th and Maldonado hot on his heels.
Lap 67: The battle for third is on like Donkey Kong, Vettel is baring down on Massa who’s having none of it. Rosberg is freaking out over one of his tires reliability.
Lap 68: Maldonado goes sideways, saves it and overtakes Verstappen who locks up.
Rosberg wins the Austrian grand prix! Hamilton second, Massa holds third leaving Vettel to fourth. Bottas finishes 5th, Hulkenberg doing a stellar job to claim 6th, Maldonado 7th, Verstappen 8th, Perez in 9th and Ricciardo taking the last of the points in 10th.
The only way we could have managed some extra action during this race is if Spielberg had managed to get some velociraptors on the track.