I stayed up until 1am again for this shit so it better be worth it. Australian Formula One fan life.
No Jenson Button this race. I’m going to miss the James Bond of F1 on the track.
And now Massa’s car won’t start. Draaaaama and we haven’t even got going yet. He’s getting shunned to the back of the pack.
Let’s do this thing Bahrain.
LIGHTS OUT HERE WE GO!!!
Beautiful start by Hamilton in the Mercedes defending against Vettel’s Ferrari. Raikkonen’s Ferrari has taken Rosberg’s Mercedes and holds 3rd.
Lap 3: Rosberg and Raikkonen battling it out!!!
Lap 4: Hamilton locks up and Vettel closes the gap.
Lap 6: Sauber’s Ericsson hot on the tail of Force India’s Hulkenberg.
Lap 7: Massa in the Williams making up lost ground taking McLaren’s Alonso for 14th.
The problem with watching the GP on the telly is that there are bloody ad breaks! I mean streaming is a pain but right now I’m questioning if this is worse. I can’t win.
Lap 9: Rosberg has overtaken Vettel.
Lap 10: Kimi closes in on Vettel.
Lap 11: A whole bunch of cars are pitting. Three stop strategy for these guys?
Lap 12: Nice battle between Kvyat in the Red Bull and Alonso unfolding for 9th.
Lap 13: Lotus’ Maldonado has set the fastest lap?!?!?
Lap 14: Vettel pits for the undercut
Grosjean’s Lotus has taken Hulkenberg for 9th with Alonso in the pit.
Lap 15: Mercedes responds to the Ferrari undercut but Vettel stays in front. Rosberg told to attack to reclaim 3rd. The Williams of Bottas and the Red Bull of Ricciardo pit.
Lap 16: Hamilton is pitting. KIMI RAIKKONEN LEADS. ROSBERG CHALLENGES VETTEL DOWN THE STRAIGHT. SPARKS ARE FLYING. ROSBERG RECLAIMS 3RD. Rosberg and Vettel within a second of Hamilton who is in 2nd.
Another ad break. I literally could not care about pizza right now Domino’s so please get off my screen and let me get back to the race.
I can only assume that during the break Raikkonen pitted due to the fact that he’s now in 4th. Yep. Comfirmed.
Lap 20: Massa up to 10th but is sandwiched between Hulkenberg in 9th and Sauber’s Nasir in 11th
Lap 23: Massa fighting to hold 10th in his slightly damaged Williams from Nasir.
Lap 25: Nasir has overtaken Massa but now they’ve all pitted! Maldonado comes out ahead of Massa and now Nasir is once again behind the Williams. Woah that was cray. There was a scrap in pit lane. Magical.
Lap 27: Yeah Ericsson’s pit stop was bad. Dude is now in 17th.
Raikkonen is closing the gap between himself and teammate Vettel.
Aaaaaand more ads. Channel 10 why can’t you play the GP ad free? It’s 1.50am on Monday morning and this is just unnecessary. I DON’T WANT TO BE A NAVY OFFICER GET THIS ADVERT THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
Lap 29: Hulkenberg’s Force India gets the job done on Alonso’s McLaren for 11th place.
Lap 30: Yeah now Massa has overtaken Alonso. Poor sweet Fernando. Maybe next year will be your year.
Lap 31: Sainz Toro Rosso looks like it’s done with this race. It’s out.
Now Nasir has overtaken Alonso as well and it looks like Kvyat has taken Maldonado.
Lap 34: Hamilton and Bottas both put onto the medium tire.
Maldonado retakes 8th back off Kvyat.
Lap 35: Rosberg pits onto mediums and Vettel gets ahead of him again in that time with a fastest lap and Kimi is again race leader.
Beautiful overtake by Nasir on Hulkenberg for 11th.
Lap 36: Oh bloody hell Vettel’s gone rouge and decided to do some off road driving, basically handing Rosberg 3rd place.
Verstappen’s Toro Rosso appears to have sympathetically stopped working, same as his teammate. That’s both of their cars out of the running. Disappointing for a team showing great promise.
Lap 37: And now Vettel has opted to replace his front wing which could potentially be him throwing away a chance at the podium. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW PEOPLE?!
Oh yeah great time for an ad break. It’s cool, I’ll just miss a bunch of laps for products and services I’m never going to use. Sweet.
Lap 39: What the fuck is going on with Alonso overtaking Raikkonen? What is happening right now? You’re race leader! What the hell?
Lap 40: Hamilton is now race leader overtaking Kimi and now the Ferrari pits onto soft tires and comes out in 3rd. That was a hell of a stint on those tires by Raikkonen.
Lap 41: It’s looking like a Bottas v Vettel battle ahead. Fun times!
Lap 43: Oh dear what has happened to Maldonado’s Lotus? A lot of smoke coming from his breaks.
Kimi sets the fastest lap.
Maldonado has managed to reset and restart.
Lap 44: Vettel closes on Bottas. Kimi taking time off the gap between himself and Rosberg. Excitement cautiously mounting.
Lap 46: Ah Minttu! Kimi’s beautiful partner. Also looking cautiously excited. She knows what’s up.
Ads. Ads. Ads. I’m going to cuddle my cat in order to calm myself.
Lap 49: The battle between Bottas and Vettel is getting fairly intense. These guys are damn near neck and neck.
Lap 50: In 7 laps Kimi has taken 11 seconds off the gap to Nico. This. Is. Epic.
Nick Mason looks like Jeremy Clarkson in 15 years. Just sayin.
Five laps to go. Start saying your “Hail Marys” people.
Woooo Vettel got super close to a fender bender with Bottas but no change.
Lap 55: ONE SECOND BETWEEN RAIKKONEN AND ROSBERG. TRAFFIC AHEAD.
Lap 56: ROSBERG GOES WIDE. KIMI ATTACKS. TAKES SECOND AND DEFENDS. THIS. IS. HAPPENING.
Lap 57: Hamilton having break issues but looking secure in 1st.
Lewis Hamilton wins the Bahrain GP.
KIMI RAIKKONEN HOLDS SECOND. WE ARE GETTING A KIMI RAIKKONEN PODIUM. AND HE HAD THE FASTEST LAP OF TH- unbiased coverage. Okay. Get it together. Calm down…
Rosberg takes third. Sorry not sorry.
Bottas holds fourth leaving Vettel in fifth.
Ricciardo crosses the line in spectacular fashion with his engine billowing smoke to take sixth!
Grosjean in seventh with Perez eighth, Kvyat ninth and Massa with a valiant effort to finish in the points taking 10th. Props to all those dudes for this great driving.
Omg Kimi podium. Dream come true. Crowd loves him. He keeps stealing the microphone off Jackie Stewart. And touching his sweaty face. He is a monotone god.
It’s now 3am here so I need to go to bed. Bahrain I thank you. It was 110% worth staying awake for the race and you did not disappoint.