Alice live blogs the Chinese GP

We’re in Shanghai! How great are the Chinese fans? They go all out supporting their teams and drivers. Legends.

Word of warning: my stream may potentially drop out mid race. I could write an entire post on my anger over this whole situation (I probably will) but for now I will enjoy this while it lasts.

Right. Here we go. LIGHTS OUT LETS GO CHINA!

BOOM! Raikkonen gets the job done on the two Williams in a few corners.

Lap 1: Sainz is spinning around move out of his waaaaaay (sung like national treasure Kylie Minogue). Don’t talk to drivers in the corners. Seriously, they get real stroppy about it.

kylie

Lewis is race leader with Nico,  Sebastian and Kimi within a few seconds of him. Like 4 seconds. THIS IS GOOD GUYS WE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE A BATTLE HERE!

Lap 5: Perez’s Force India has overtaken Kvyat’s Red Bull. Well this is awkward. So awkward that the McLaren Hondas are on their tails.

Lap 6: What is with Red Bull drivers REFUSING to let their team mates pass them??? Kvyat is fighting off Ricciardo tooth and nail despite team radio asking him to let Daniel through. Love it. Such angst.

mark webber

Lap 8: Nice battles between Nasir in the Sauber and Maldonado in the Lotus resulting in Nasir losing 8th. Toro Rosso’s Verstappen is hot on the heals of Ericsson’s Sauber.

Lap 10: Oh no Hulkenburg! That’s a lot of smoke coming out of that Force India. Game over for the German.

So much tire strategy talk. Like, 4 laps worth of tire strategy talk. Probably because there’s not much else to talk about.

So here we go. Decisions have been made. Seb’s Ferrari is now on the faster soft tires to screw with Mercedes. Cue forshadowing music. I’m wondering if Kimi can make this a one stop race???

tire

Lap 15: Hamilton pits onto options and now the Williams are pitting as well. Also Raikkonen (there goes that that theory). No change to the places. Yawn.

Lap 16: Abruptly stop yawning as Kvyat rolls an on fire Red Bull into the gravel trap.

Lap 20: Three laps worth of chasing pays off and the 17 year old super child in the Torro Rosso has overtaken Sainz through the hairpin. Damn son.

Rosberg complaining that Hamilton is too slow and that Nico will ruin his tires being held up by him. Hamilton told to go faster. Not “hammer time” faster, just a lil bit. Someone give the Mercedes drivers a cup of cement and tell them both to harden the fuck up and just bloody drive without having a cry.

supernatural

Lap 22: Yeah Ricciardo’s overtake on Ericsson backfired and he went off the track. Bugger.

Lap 24: Carlos Sainz’s Torro Rosso starts shutting down and then he turned the thing off and then on again and it reboots.

Lap 27: Revenge is sweet as Ricciardo overtakes Ericsson AND THEN LOOSES IT – WHAT THE HELL DANIEL?!
Hamilton threatened by Mercedes to hurry the shit up or they’ll give Rosberg the strategic advantage.

Lap 29: For the love of Vegemite Riccardio make that overtake on the Sauber stick please. Cheers. I’ll buy you a beer.

Okay were now at lap 30 and it’s looking like all the teams are going to have to pit because errrbody complaining about their tires getting craptastic.

Vettle on mediums. Hamilton doing fastest laps. Rosberg getting a sluggish pit stop. Raikkonen going longer on these tires.

Lap 34: KIMI RAIKKONEN IS RACE LEADER! I try really hard not to be biased but nothing gives me more joy than writing that.

kimi

Lap 35: Something happened with a Lotus. Not sure which one but they looked super close to smooching a barrier with their car.
Kimi pits his Ferrari for the final stint followed by the two Williams.

Maybe it’s due to my sobriety but this race is a touch dull. Not Australian GP dull but still a touch on the “meh” side of things.

Lap 41: Verstappen again pulls some sweet moves on Perez and overtakes him followed by Ericsson.

Honorable mention to Marcus Ericsson and Daniel Ricciardo for their perpetual scrap. For reals. This whole race has been these two playing leap frog with each other for at least 44 laps.

Alonso I love you to pieces but get the fuck out of the way of Kimi’s Ferrari. I know it’s hard seeing your former teammate and former team lapping you but you make enough money to pay a therapist to deal with these emotional issues.

therapy

Lap 47: Scrapsville between Maldonado’s Lotus and the McLaren Honda of the James Bond of F1: Jenson Button.

Lap 49: Fernando has arrived in Scrapsville and NOW BUTTON AND MALDONADO CRASH! Ah crap.

Gratuitous shot of Benedict Cumberbatch looking suave in the Mercedes garage.

Lap 53: So the big question now is can Kimi take third from Seb? I say yes! If Ferrari knows what’s good for them they’ll let it happen because who doesn’t love a Raikkonen podium?! No one. The man is a gift to race fans and Finnish people everywhere.

GOD. DAMN. MOTHER. FUCKING. SAFETY. CAR.

Max Verstappen I really like you but we are TWO FUCKING LAPS AWAY FROM THE FLAG AND NOW YOU’VE GONE AND RUINED EVERYTHING. This is why we can’t have nice things.

I don’t want to be mean but can someone please assist the marshalls in removing this multimillion dollar piece of machinery off the track? What an absolute clusterfuck of a joke.

austin powers

Yep we are finishing this race under a safety car. What a joy (epic sarcasm). 16 cars cross the line in the most lame ass way to conclude a race.

*throws computer across the room*

*retrieves computer*

Okay let’s just wrap this thing up and get out of here:

Hamilton wins, Rosberg second and Vettle third. Raikkonen gets the consolation prize of fourth with the Williams bros next in the order of Massa then Bottas. Grosjean manages to claim some points for Lotus and Sauber’s Nasir and Ericsson take out eighth and tenth respectively separated by Ricciardo’s fledgling Red Bull in ninth.

Yawn. Early bed time? I think so. Goodnight y’all, I hope you dream of exciting GPs and excellent scraps and championship battles.

diaz

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