Alice live blogs the Malaysian GP

Malaysia decided to show up to the party early. Thanks Malaysia! You’re so punctual.

LIGHTS OUT HERE WE GO!

We managed two goddamn laps and now all hell has broken loose. Punctures for everyone. And Ericsson has once again gone and ruined the lives of Kimi Raikkonen fans. Who do you think you are Sauber? Get out of here.

As it turns out Kimi does have some of that karmic force at work. SEE YA LATER MARCUS DON’T LET THE GRAVEL TRAP HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

Safety car is out. It’s like that boring friend of a friend who hangs around way too long.

Vettel’s number one which I’m actually happy about and Massa just beat Rosberg in a scrap. Is this a dream? Nope, it’s Sepang.

Damn Verstappen how’s those overtakes?!

Mercedes being held up by traffic and Ferrari stretching their lead. Basically this race is more exciting than the entire 2014 season.

Epic attempted overtake by Ricciardo which ended up being a great save.

Guys, hey guys? Guys! Get it together okay? I know the track is 60 million degrees but let’s keep it clean.

Woah look at that gap between Seb and the Mercs! I could cartwheel across the track in that gap and I can’t even cartwheel.

Well done Ferrari pit crew for finally providing Raikkonen with a problem free pit stop. Slow clap.

There are so many scraps happening I literally cannot keep up. What I do know is that a McLaren Honda just overtook a Force India and that’s pretty exciting news for Button/Alonso fans.

Iceman update: from puncture to points. Kimi has moved his Ferrari into 7th from 18th. If you don’t think the man is a world champion then you can fight me.

Oh Alonso. They’re bringing his McLaren Honda in. Just as I dared to dream…

A FERRARI JUST OVERTOOK A MERCEDES. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Sebastian Vettel has overtaken Nico Rosberg…just let that sink in.

Honorable mention to Verstappen for getting that move done on Ricciardo (and that’s coming from an Australian).

Ricciardo told to move out of the way of Kvyat which he actually does without issue and then the spirit of Mark Webber kicked in and Kvyat’s Red Bull and Hulkenburg’s Force India get a little too close for comfort and Kvyat spins out which I’m conflicted about.

Iceman update: Kimi is in 3rd. THIRD.

Vettel’s Ferrari is still in the lead and the Mercedes drivers are freaking the fuck out. The gap is about 17.5 seconds. First of all: how do you like them apples Mercedes? Second of all: this kind of reminds me of the Seb/Red Bull domination years… Ah memories.

I don’t know who to cheer for in the Verstappen/Bottas scrap. Both insanely good drivers. Both lovable. Both future world champions? You bet your sweet ass.

My live stream has dropped out. I’m losing my mind. Cue angry and obscene language being thrown Bernie Eccleston’s way for selling TV rights to Foxtel and poor people like me resorting to dodgy live streaming.

OKAY WE’RE BACK!

I’m not going to lie I am so caught up in the front runners I’ve slightly tuned out everyone beyond 6th. I’m sorry guys. I really am but Ferrari could win this thing AND get extra championship points with Kimi holding 4th.

That being said I’m once again making whimpering noises over Button retiring, my mind is blown by even more Verstappen overtakes and I’m loving the Williams bros scraps. Honorable mention to Williams for letting that happen.

Okay this is it! Last lap! Ferrari holding first and fourth and the Mercedes are filling in the gaps with Lewis in second (chucking a hissy fit over team radio. Good stuff) and Nico in third. It’s all good Nico, you’re still getting a trophy.

CHECKERED FLAG!

I’m going to need a minute to process this.

Sebastian Vettel and his Ferrari have secured their spot on top of the podium with the two Mercedes of Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg in second and third respectively. Raikkonen rolls through like a champ in 4th.

From here on in it’s points in pairs. Bottas and Massa from Williams taking 5th and 6th, Torro Rosso, in all honesty killing it, in 7th and 8th with SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD Verstappen and Sain then the Red Bull racers of Kvyat in 9th and Ricciardo in 10th.

Wow. Right, I need a drink and a nap. I’m pretty certain I’ve used up my adrenaline for the year. I’m suddenly beside myself with excitement for this season. Game on!

Final honorable mention to the safety car that I totally dissed early on in the race but proved to be magical.

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